I’ve made many “X Before X” lists. To my surprise, I made a “10 Before 30” list already—glad I can still surprise myself at this point. Here I was, thinking about how original and untrendy I was gonna be, rebelling and doing 20 less than the typical “Before 30” amount, and I did it already. 🙄
My issue with these “Before” lists is that I worry a lot about pleasing others and focusing on what I “should” do—I should drink more smoothies, right? And I should also take a yoga class and want to go back to college—according to “them”, i.e. random members of society who feel they’ve some position in my life allowing them to decide they know what’s best for me because “millennials these days”.
But I’m going to try this again, and I’m doing it my way, and I’m going with 10 items instead of 30 because I’m twenty-six years old and have only four years—less than—to do this ish. With my track record, 10 is generous.
10 before 30
1. Learn web design again. 🎨
I knew how, but PTSD1 damaged a lot of my memory, and skill sets was one of the departments; of skill sets lost, the three greatest ones I lost were maths, cooking and coding. If writing wasn’t so innate for me, I probably would’ve lost it, too. :/
2. Be financially stable, independent. 💸
This one stresses me out. There are not a lot of resources available in the world for someone like me, but I’m trying—I’m just trying not to overwhelm myself in the process. I wish there was a way to give my younger self the wisdom and experience I have now so she could have the jump start I needed yesterday.
3. Learn how to set and enforce boundaries. 🛑
One of the biggest issues I have with people in my life, and those who enter it, is a lack of boundaries. I still let people walk all over me, because I’m “choosing my battles”—but I’ve realized some battles are necessary, even if I don’t want to choose them, to prevent my own defeat.
Not choosing to correct someone when they call me by my legal first name leads to people not respecting my name preference.
Not standing up for myself and reiterating my “no” variance leads to my wishes and self being disrespected.
A lack of boundaries results in people around me getting upset when I stand up for myself, and thinking I’m “just being stubborn” or purposely being difficult—all because I “never gave the impression” I felt this way before. Suddenly standing up for myself makes people think I’m acting out or rebelling, or worse: “acting crazy”.
I thought I was supposed to be nice—that I had to be to be a “functioning member of society”—but, like many other things, I was taught wrong. The lie has unraveled into an ugly, vomitrocious aftermath I can now choose to live in as-is or work to correct. I choose to correct it.
4. Take better care of my body. 💙
I considered titling this many things, but this one works best. I want to get in shape again, but I also want to take better care of my body…it is mine. There are some more personal parts of this, in relation to DID.
I like Blogilates and some stretches, so I’m going to try to follow a schedule with it and be consistent.
5. Partake in less screen time before bed. 💻
I don’t…know how well this will go right now, because I’m participating in NaNoWriMo this year and am nocturnal—so much of the “gold” is released from my fingertips at night.
6. Stop feeling so ashamed/embarrassed of things I want (and need) to do. ⚙️
In a nutshell, I think we as a people are raised to feel ashamed—thus embarrassed—for wanting or needing to do certain things, even if those things should include certain life choices/styles, ranging from jobs to traveling to everything under the sun.
This one is more personal, so I won’t be going into detail.
7. Have more confidence. 🔥
When I was growing up, I remember someone telling me confidence was important—only to shoot me down when I was confident. I’ve noticed a stigma regarding confident women: they’re seen as a “threat” or a “bitch”, or some other derogatory term. Maybe people were raised this way; I don’t know. I also remember reading magazines and seeing things like, “Guys don’t like it when you admit you know you’re pretty, so don’t. They like to compliment you and make you feel on top of the world.”
So the confidence I had was slowly picked at until it peeled away from my body, and I need to gain it back.
8. Meet some blog friends. 🌎
DUDES, I HAVE BEEN WANTING THIS—and because I want it so bad, it should be one of the easiest things on this list.
Also? Eight (8) is my favorite number—IT’S A SIGN.
MY ONLY DILEMMA is that I’m not shy, per se—I just have a lot of anxiety. My greatest fear in this department is being a disappointment because WHAT IF I’M NOT PRETTY ENOUGH or WHAT IF I SAY SOMETHING WEIRD?! Maloprops and other “speech” errors are more common than I’d like to admit. I fumble over words and have a stutter—and this is more because of how my brain’s programmed and processes information than nerves/anxiety. It’s why I never say verbal communication is my forte.
9. Cook more meals. 🍽
I really need to get over the whole “Open can, heat, serve” ordeal. It’s ruining my appetite. I’ve learned how to make basic meals, like stir-fry and oven-roasted veggies. I recently learned how to accomplish the panini-style and want to work more at that—paninis are so cute and one of my favorite ways to eat sandwiches!
I think cooking more meals will help me become comfortable around food again, which will help me blog about it how I want—I mean, I do have a food category in place. The issue—and another reason for this list item—is that I’m so uncomfortable around food I’m insecure, and I’m even more insecure when it comes to talking about food. I’d rather post my fugly selfies than about the food I eat—if I had to choose between one or the other.
10. Experience 10 new things. 💎
I don’t think this is a lot to ask of myself, and the “new things” can be as minuscule as entering a relationship, switching up my wardrobe, or not drinking soda for a whole month.
Life is short, and I’ve realized more lately how quick I once was to spend all my money on shit I thought I needed—whether courtesy of peer pressure or my own volition—and that I didn’t cherish the experiences available to me as much as I could have. Granted, I wouldn’t be in this precise position as I am today without the experience of those shit moves, but to paraphrase what I said in #2, I wish I could take my wisdom of today and throw it at the me of before.
So that’s it! I’ll blog about these things, maybe—I don’t want to impose too much pressure on myself.
Is there anything you want to accomplish before a particular age? (You don’t have to share if you don’t wanna!)
- There’s also a super personal aspect of DID regarding alters going “silent”, meaning I don’t have access to specific memories while those alters are dormant. It’s complicated. I’ll discuss DID more in the future, but right now it’s not something I can safely do and continue to maintain the balance I have now. ↩