4 Kinds of Days

On a good day, I feel alright. I don’t feel like hurting myself or crying or as if I’m literally horrible. I don’t feel like my life sucks. While I don’t feel happy, I also don’t feel sad. It’s the type of content that I’ve had my whole life. It’s emotionless to others, but it’s more vulnerable to me because, in an instant, anyone and anything can change that and completely change my day easier than they can when I’m already hating myself that day.

On an okay day, I’m a bit iffy about how I should classify everything. I start over-analyzing things and thinking too much. I’m not sure if I hate myself or not because I keep having thoughts about things I did or said in the past, and I start to feel stupid or embarrassed or both, and then I wonder if they even remember it. I find myself wishing I could just start over again with life because I can’t change my past, and I really wish I hadn’t done some things. I don’t even see me when I picture those things; instead, I see a total stranger that looks like me. I may feel like crying today. I just don’t know yet.

On a fine day, I don’t want to hurt myself yet. I don’t want to go anywhere, either. I expect the worse things possible from everything and everyone. I expect questions I don’t feel like answering or have the answer to to be asked. I expect people to judge me ten times more today than any other day. I probably slept all day and stayed up all night. I’m probably fixed on the dumb things I did and said in the past and spend most of the day wishing I could start over to avoid those kinds of things. I’m more vulnerable than the okay day and the good day and much less vulnerable than the bad day.

On a bad day, I feel like anything and everything that could go wrong will go wrong eventually. I spend a lot of time wondering what the point of life is since all we do is go to school until we find this job we’ll spend the rest of our short lives doing, all the while spending money and time when we may not even be happy all the time for it. I think of how cliché life is in terms of the way the average person lives their life and just how mundane so much of life can actually be. It’s like the instructions on a shampoo bottle: live, spend, repeat. I can either feel like cutting or killing myself, or I may not. If I’m awake, I don’t want to be seen at all, and I mostly wish I could just stay sleeping. If I’m asleep, it’s probably because I slept most of the day, and I hate myself for having done that.

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Comments on this post

Danica’s gravatar

These are pretty much my days too.

Stephanie’s gravatar

May your good days be more numerous and better!

It is possible to live your life the way differently than everyone else. This is where I think that aspergers/autism has been a gift, at least for me: I question how things work because I don’t understand why people are the way they are. And, I then decided that many of them are wrong and unhappy and do my own thing. (I was also lucky to be surrounded by other “weird people” while I was in college.) I think that you’ll have a good fulfilling life someday.

What makes a person cool is that they do things that they like confidently, I think. I think that your online hobbies are part of what makes you cool. Please try to ignore everyone else’s judgments, hard or near impossible as it may be. They may never understand you, but one day, they will think that you’re an amazing person.

Kya’s gravatar

I can relate to some of what you said. I guess it’s a good thing to be able to know that there are different days with different levels of feelings and non-feelings. Doesn’t make what happens on those days any easier, but might make a little more self understanding or something. :/

Melissa’s gravatar

So many emotions in such a small post. Even though I must that the part of “starting all over again” Is something I wish for too. Yet we can’t change the past.

Though I do hope that you can find a way to enjoy life. Even when things repeat themselves.

Georgia Kate’s gravatar

This post is written beautifully, Liz. I know that, given the post’s content, that comment will seem strange, but you have real talent. And in some parts it’s like you were just reading my mind and managing to express all the things I can’t say. Bits like “I keep having thoughts about things I did or said in the past, and I start to feel stupid or embarrassed or both, and then I wonder if they even remember it” — because that sums up my life when I’m down and in bed at night and I have too much time to think.

So you’re not alone.

Just remember that you’re stronger than you think, promise. And yeah, life can be seen as a cliché merry-go-round like you say, but it is also what you make of it. ♥

Take care! xx

Jess’s gravatar

I understand what you’re going through, having those kinds of days. I’m much the same, only I don’t think I’ve ever thought about things in this ‘four ways’ kind of system. I hope today was a good day, though! And that you have them more often than not, of course.