A Letter to My Mother

Dear mom,

Hi. I have been constructing this letter to you for over two years now. I don’t know what to say that could possibly make anything okay — no matter what I say, you’ll never understand how you have made me feel. A mother’s relationship with her daughter is supposed to be one of the best; you’re supposed to be my best friend. How could the person who carried me for eight to nine months to give birth to me treat me so horribly? Am I supposed to apologize for causing you so much pain? Am I supposed to pay you back for taking away the rest of your teenage years?

I feel like you kept me all of those years because you were as selfish then as you are now. You didn’t just want me because of the child support; you wanted me because I was considered the prize. You wanted custody of me because you like to be in control. You wanted custody of me so that you could brag to my dad that you had me and he didn’t. You were wrong. He’s had me since day one, because you were right: I did think that he was the better parent, and I still do now.

I crave a mother’s love all of the time, and I hate it. You always got so jealous of Kimily because she married my dad. You don’t understand how it feels. As much as I’d love for her to to think of me as her daughter, I don’t think she’ll ever feel that way toward me. I need to be a mother’s daughter! I need to be loved by a mother as though I am her own. It pains me every single day, because I know how unlikely it is that such will ever happen. All I wanted growing up was a mother who would love me like I was actually her daughter — like I meant something to her. I wanted a mother who would die for me; instead I have a so-called mother who would throw me onto the train tracks for money.

What kind of a “mother” are you?

You’re the kind of mother who would call up my dad’s side of the family asking where I was if I turned up missing. Then, you would accuse my dad of murdering me. For all you know, that could be your husband. You have no idea what he is capable of, but you don’t see it. You don’t see that all that you two accused me of isn’t actually me; you can’t see that it’s you. You’re the one who doesn’t care about other people’s feelings. You don’t care, and that’s why you don’t see your husband as the problem — you’re exactly like him: sadistic, ignorant, power-hungry. Neither of you deserve to have children.

I am not hiding. I’m fully aware you read know my website URL. In fact, I don’t even mind if you’re subscribed to my RSS feed!

I’m not going to apologize for calling you a bitch two years or less ago. To be quite honest, standing up to you felt nice. You treat me however you’re feeling, so why am I not allowed to do the same? You’re the one who raised me, therefore you are the person I learned all of this from. I personally don’t understand HOW I didn’t grow up to be exactly like you. We may look somewhat alike, and I may sometimes do things that you do, but deep down, we are nothing alike.

I will be seeing my siblings soon. I don’t know how, and I don’t know when. I will see them, though, and they will be reminded of how much I love them.

You caused me to see my biggest fears. I’m no longer a stranger to death. If I had died, would you even fucking care? I’ve been so tempted so many times to post on social media and my blog that I had passed away — in hopes that you would care at least somewhat. I didn’t, because why the hell would I waste that energy on you? While most Christians are terrified of the devil, I’m not. I’m not afraid of him, because I’ve already met him. You’re married to him, and I’m not scared of him.

People say you’ll always be my mother and that I should love you. You’re not a mother in my book, and you definitely didn’t raise me the way a mother should.

I love you. I wish I didn’t love you, but I do. I’m not some kind of prize. I can’t change you, but that doesn’t mean I can’t change other’s points of views.

I thank God that I wasn’t adopted by your husband. I would have killed myself before I was ever his daughter.

“Sometimes child abuse is only visible to the child suffering it.”

Sincerely,

Liz

P.S. You know that scene in Letters to Juliet about her mother? “You’re wrong…Her mother chose to leave her. You always knew your parents loved you.” You chose to leave me. I don’t know if you love me, and that’s messed up. You can’t play the “I’m-your-birth-mother-so-you-have-to-love-me” card if I can’t play the “I’m-your-daughter-so-you-have-to-treat-me-with-love” card. I don’t believe in words as much as I do actions anymore. Actions say everything. Your actions say you’re holding a grudge over me — that you enjoy humiliating me. I know you just use people until they’re of no use to you anymore, but I can’t believe that you would use me. I’m your daughter — flesh and blood or not. Stop acting like you had a horrendous life and as if you should be put up on a pedestal and everyone cater to you because you were adopted. It’s ridiculous. You’re ridiculous.

By definition, I don’t define you as a mother.

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Comments on this post

cantaloupe’s gravatar

I’m sorry that you didn’t have a better experience with your mother. I think it’s best sometimes to just forget about our parents altogether. Get away, get some space, get some distance and let it go. It sucks to not have one or another parent, but it’s so common these days that it doesn’t need to cripple you. Don’t tell people you died. Tell people she died.

….is that cruel? Possibly… my bad.

J’s gravatar

Wow, I really don’t know what to say. I just know that I am sorry for the lack of love you received from the woman who was supposed to be your mother. Just remember the times you lacked in your life and make sure that any children you have, if you have children, never experience the same. Children are impressionable and I applaud you for not taking that impression that your “mother” left on you and carrying it forward. Move on and love freely those that you would want to impress your love upon and forget the past. You recognized it, confronted it, and now have healed from it. Best wishes.

Desiree’s gravatar

While I can’t say I know exactly what you’re going through, I can say that I understand wholeheartedly how you are feeling and what you’re expressing.

Julie’s gravatar

Wow – I wouldn’t have the “stones” to post something about my mother, especially if she was reading it, so i am kind of jealous of you here – being able to say what you feel. Our family functions best on denial and the ‘unsaid’, as unhealthy as it is, it is still better then everything spinning out of control. You’d be surprised, my parents are divorced and we still all get together on weekends every chance we get and have a great time. The only reason we are able to do is because everyone swallowed all the hurt my mom has caused and just moved on. I am not [by any means] saying that you should do that, just sharing my experience. At 16, i was so angry at my mom, at 20 i moved away and left it all behind, at 25 i began to understand her and now at 29 i am grateful to her, i understand her, i forgive her and i look forward to where we go from here. Perhaps she changed, perhaps i have, but somehow we have figured out a way to function as a family despite an affair, a divorce, a new marriage, alcoholism and betrayal. However, all this time i have heard my mom or dad say ‘i love you’ once, ever, one time when i was going in for surgery. Kiss-on-a-cheek is a whole new development over here and it still freaks me out because it is so not like my parents to show emotions. Ok. I am over sharing, sorry 🙂
I just wanted to say – i think one day you will get far away from family drama and will start your own life fresh, maybe you will feel like a new person if you are not faced with and reminded of the past all the time. Maybe soon, you never know 🙂

shot’s gravatar

You should be proud of how you’ve managed to write this, and had the courage to post it online for the world to see. I applaud you for it. Some people might think you’re being harsh, but they only know what they’re reading in a blog post – they won’t know anything about what has happened between you two deep down. I can’t imagine ever falling out with a member of family so much that I’d be able to write this, but you did, and you should really be proud of what you’ve been able to do. I hope that if your mother sees this, she may realise why you’ve included mainly negative things, and perhaps she’ll better understand your point of view/opinion on the whole thing.

Jessica’s gravatar

I can’t even begin to fathom what you went through and how your mother acted… There’s a lot of strong emotions in this letter toward your mother and how it affected you. I hope your mother does read this letter, although I don’t know her as a person and I don’t know if she will acknowledge what she’s done. Stay strong!