A state of oblivion

I feel like I’m a black dot on a blank page without any other dots to connect to.

Aside from starving myself and hurting myself via puncturing my skin, as of this year I can add using pain pills to numb emotional pain to my list. I have used them before, but not to the extent that it’s solely for numbing emotional pain, which was the major reason I began using them.

I hate pain pills, too, yet it was so easy. Maybe I was already weak and vulnerable to its effects after I didn’t need too much of it anymore in December after my tooth extraction. That last week of December is what really did me in for the year, for the depression, but January — around two or so weeks ago — is when it started, and it’s so hard.

I just feel so out of focus, so out of touch. And I’m exhausted. I’m exhausted, and yet I keep pushing myself because occupying my head with other things makes me feel at least somewhat useful in the midst of everything other people want me to do — or think I need to do — and makes me hate myself slightly less than I do when I just… sleep.

But I’m exhausted, and it’s like this never-ending, unwinding motion that is constantly happening, and I can’t press pause or make it stop, so I have to keep going — I have to keep spinning — and I don’t know where I’ll end up once I stop.

I’m so groggy and irritable and annoyed, and I’m expected to care more about just going to therapy — I’m supposed to want to have my room perfectly clean, laundry completely done — but I just don’t, and it won’t stop unwinding; it just wants to continue going downhill.

I feel like I’m being ground into a fine powdery substance, and everything just needs to pause — because if it doesn’t, I’m probably going to start hallucinating again.

I’m going in for therapy twice a week soon, because it’s one of the steps before hospitalization, and if I don’t care about waking up, how am I supposed to be able to care about doing things others expect me to do? It just doesn’t make sense. And then money is brought up as if it’s an issue and it’s somehow my fault — because I don’t work — and then I’m told that I need to find “a man who has the ability to provide for [me] the way I’m used to living now” during a merely casual conversation, which I honestly take as an insult, because I’m not dependent by choice.

And it all just needs to fucking stop before I fucking explode. Seriously.

It’s like nothing can be casual around me — like I’m someone they have to make sure understands how ‘lazy’ I am, or how ‘clueless’ I am. There is a huge fucking difference between hating myself and life, and just not wanting to do something. And I honestly feel like exploding. It takes everything to not yell — to not throw in their face the state of my depression and how much I really don’t fucking care.

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Comments on this post

Ffion’s gravatar

Sending hugs your way. Hope things turn brighter for you soon 🙁

On a sort of related note, have you read the book/blog Hyperbole and a Half? The author wrote some interesting stuff about depression, in a sort of self-ironic and funny way with crazy cartoons to go with it… just thought I’d share 🙂 Maybe you can identify.

<3

Leanne’s gravatar

I can personally relate to this and it’s hard. It’s a horrible illness. There’s no easy answer, but you know what: it will get better.

This is the lowest point and it’s only up from here. You’re doing a good thing by going to therapy. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself on what needs to be done. Get better first. One day at a time. Organise things to do no matter how little.

Carrie’s gravatar

Please do not starve or hurt yourself. 🙁 You deserve better.. you’re a beautiful person inside and out. We all have flaws but you can get past that. We LOVE you!!

Liz’s gravatar

Please don’t ask me to do so. There’s a much deeper state of it that I don’t think you understand. It’s not about flaws or people loving me. It’s about ME, not YOU, thus the opinions and statements of others do absolutely nothing.

Hiro’s gravatar

Lots of hugs and well wishes from the East Coast. 🙁 I don’t know which painkiller you’re using, but I hope your physician will be able to prescribe you antidepressants or a variety that would be easier on your body to help you cope.
And people who raise their noses and talk to you from a pedestal irritate me so much. I’ve had to deal with so many of them in the past years and honestly, I really want to punch them sometimes. “YOU. HAVE. NO. IDEA. WHAT. THE. HELL. I’M. GOING. THROUGH. Shut it. Get out. Feel blessed you have no idea and you’re probably privileged enough to never have to!” Agh.
Hope it turns upward soon. 🙁