Aftermath of indifference

I’ve done a lot of things in the past that I regret. However, to say that I regret them and what I would have done instead doesn’t change anything, so I don’t really say that I have actual regrets. The things I’ve done, and the things that happened instead, came with different outcomes that I never would have even been able to discover. Georgie talked about a parallel universe in which different things would have happened in her life had she chosen a different path instead, and it made me think a lot about what I have done, been through and said that could have changed drastically had I done one tiny thing differently.

I’m not saying that I believe everything happens for a reason, because I don’t believe that. I stopped believing that last year when I was officially diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder and Post-traumatic Stress Disorder1, because what could possibly be the reason behind the existence of mental illness? That’s like telling a cancer patient there’s a reason they got cancer, and then basing it on their past. I’ve had people tell me my current mental health state is the result of karma biting my ass because I was a bad kid growing up or something. It takes a lot of strength to go against believing that such is true, and a large part of me hopes karma will soon find you.

I’ve made a mess on Twitter multiple times, posted some things I’m not proud of, absentmindedly insulted people (sometimes fellow bloggers), acted like I was better than people because I was slightly more experienced… I’ve done a lot of things that I almost wish I had not, but I’ve realized them a while after, and I have learned from it. My mind oftentimes dwells on those events, and I start to over think them like I over think practically everything else.

I’m told by people who hear my story that they wish they could have rescued me so I didn’t have to go through so much. I don’t believe that everything happens for a reason, but I do believe that some things happen for a reason. While I don’t believe that people abuse children/others/animals for any valuable reason at all, I believe that I was abused for a reason; I believe that maybe it’s my place to reach out to the world using my computer and Internet skills to help make it louder… Abuse isn’t loud. People tell me all the time that I’m not supposed to talk about it. Abuse isn’t a curse word, and it’s not taboo. It’s really happening. Why not put abuse on the news instead of cute puppy pictures sent in by watchers? Why not worry about abuse rather than testing dog poo for DNA that could be related to some random dog in the end?2

I never said I was proud of some of the things I’ve done. However, the things I’ve said (and possibly done?) to lard and my mom I’m neither proud nor not proud of; I feel indifferent toward those things.

When it comes down to the conclusion of what I wish to do about things I’ve done on Twitter and/or my blogs, it’s simple: I’m quite tired of deleting everything and starting over. My Twitter account stays. Perhaps one day I’ll stop being so lazy and delete certain tweets, but the things I’ve done and the people I’ve pissed off won’t give different aftermaths merely because I erased the proof. I think this can work where proof isn’t a physical structure as well. I’ve pissed a lot of people off offline, embarrassed myself online, and I have allowed my mom and lard make me out to be a compulsive liar.

All I can do is take what I have done and try to make myself a better person thenceforth.

  1. For those of you who would like an update: I requested to set up and account the other day after talking to two family members.
  2. What a waste of resources.

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Comments on this post

Sage’s gravatar

Don’t they say it is not what you have done in the past that matters, it is what you do in the future … You are aware of your mistakes it sounds like and the fact you recognise and are trying to become a better person is far more noble then many people can be. I have been a far lil shit myself because of BPD and I try everyday to do the best I can. That is all anyone can ask of us 🙂 xx

Robin’s gravatar

I think “Everything happens for a reason” is one of those cliches that people toss out when they can’t think of anything better to say – especially when you are the person going through something, not them. I can’t imagine why anyone would think that you have a choice in your PTSD/depression and that you could just forget it.

(On another subject, I think it’s sort of weird that that apartment complex tests DNA in dog feces, yet I can almost appreciate it. Us and our next-door neighbors know that a third neighbor is letting her dog use the bathroom in our front yard spaces. It would be nice if the landlord could use something like that as definite proof and then evict the neighbor.)

Krystal’s gravatar

Everyone makes mistakes…I have things I wish I could change about my past, mostly during my teenage years. I was too stupid, naive and acted extremely childish.

What I think is more important is learning from those mistakes. Like you said, we can’t go back and change what we’ve done, all we can do is look ahead and see how we can make our future better.

Gretch’s gravatar

I’ve read somewhere that it has been theoretically proven that parallel universes might actually exist. But I don’t think I could actually believe that happening. Though the thought is really tempting…

Your words up there are so relatable. I’ve posted embarrassing things online that I wish I could take back. So now I tend to refrain from posting when I’m too emotional.

You’ve been through a lot and I won’t pretend I know what it’s like but hey, you’re entitled to be at least indifferent. I’m actually amazed because you didn’t run away from home or did something more extreme (but well,I don’t know the whole story so I can’t really tell).

It’s also great how you’re raising awareness about Abuse. I guess a lot of peole think of ‘abuse’ as an awkward and displeasing topic so they’d rather turn a blind eye and talk about cute puppies instead.

Erin’s gravatar

That made me think as well but like you, I don’t regret anything I have done or said because it is all apart of growing up.

Personally, I can understand why you don’t believe that everything happens for reason but I do believe that. I don’t say it was because of your past but because a higher being wanted us to have harder times than others. It gives us people to look up to as well as people to, quite frankly, Feel sorry for. That is just the way life is. It sucks but we live it anyway for reasons unknown.

Your whole story in the end is just that, your’s. No one can say it is wrong or untrue because it is all facts.

Sara’s gravatar

In today’s world with instant messaging, Twitter and even blogging, mistakes are so much more obvious than when I was young. I made, and still make, some whoppers of mistakes. Some I have to apologize for and some just pass on down the river, but, if I reflect on my mistakes, usually I learn something from them, . Mistakes are ways to grow if you’re willing to really look at them. Sometimes I do better at this than others.

I liked what you wrote about abuse: ” I believe that I was abused for a reason; I believe that maybe it’s my place to reach out to the world using my computer and Internet skills to help make it louder… Abuse isn’t loud. People tell me all the time that I’m not supposed to talk about it. Abuse isn’t a curse word, and it’s not taboo.”

Like you, I believe the things that happened to me as a child were for a reason. In the long run, they taught strength and how to believe in who I was, rather than the person my family created.

I see the strength emerging from you. It’s coming out in your writing more and more. You’re starting to see the truth: It’s not YOU who is messed up; it’s the people who tried to make you believe YOU were the problem. This isn’t to say the road ahead will be easy-peasy. You will have down days, but you’re seeing the truth now and if you let it, it will be that tiny ray of light, leading you back to your true self.

Erin’s gravatar

That is my goal and I am excited!!!! Just trying to figure out HOW to advertise it besides blog-hopping.

Cassie’s gravatar

I can’t believe people have actually said to you that you deserve the bad things that happened. Like anything terrible we do in childhood is worthy of long-lasting punishment.

As much as I still sometimes cringe about the things I did when I was a kid or in high school, I wouldn’t take the opportunity for do-overs, either. I’ve learned to forgive myself, move on, and (hopefully) not make the same mistake twice… or at least, not three times. Sometimes, it takes a lot of trial and error.

Leanne’s gravatar

we all have regrets but the most important thing is learning from them and not repeating them.

Liza’s gravatar

I don’t have regrets.

Milo Blamer’s gravatar

Regrets are good things, Regrets are the thing that makes humans of us

shot’s gravatar

Good on you for not regretting things like that. In the end they don’t really affect who you are = so what if you haven’t always been the friendliest towards other people – everyone has moments like that, whether they can help it or not.

Personally I don’t believe karma is true, especially in your situation. Like you said, it’s like saying someone can get a life-threatening illness because they said something/did something wrong in younger life. These things just happen – it’s nobody’s fault.

Sometimes you look back and think ‘why on earth would I do/say that?’, but you come to accept it and as you said, learn from it, which is all a part of life.

Thanks for your comment – reading my profile page over, it doesn’t seem as bad as it was when I first typed it. At least someone thinks it’s okay. At the end of the day, what other perceive of us shouldn’t affect us – let them think whatever they want to think.

Hiro’s gravatar

I just had to laugh when my religion professor told me that the reason why I had my “brain problems” was because of “bad energy” (aka: bad karma) that built up there.
The lady helping me set up support groups for AVM/Aneurysm Survivors told me that is the most ridiculous thing she has heard, and even if karma WERE to be the case, I’m way too young to have done enough to deserve that. 😛
I was like, “Hm. That’s true. I couldn’t have done enough to have deserved this as a punishment, unless I was a REALLYYYY bad person in my past few lives… In which case, if we are going to go with that thought process, I’d have been demoted to be a bug or something.”

I love your owls. Ugugugug so cute. Especially the second one… And the 6th one. Grrrrarr…. Kya is so talented!

Liza’s gravatar

@Hiro, 😉 I literally just commented and asked her that, if she happened to make any bird ones, to let me know. I received an email soon after, and within about two days or less, she sent an email stating that she had made 30 owl emoticons. 😀 /blank

Stephanie’s gravatar

Hrm… what would you think of writing a “letter to the editor” to your local newspaper, or seeing if someone over there will interview you and a few psychologists to write an article on abuse and mental illnesses? It’ll be a big step for you, but I know that you’ll be proud that you did it.

Liza’s gravatar

@Stephanie, I could do that?

Adrienne’s gravatar

Hey Liz,

I was on a hangout a little over a month ago now and a question was asked of us and my answer ended up being a question on a blog post. Why do bad things happen to good people and I’m talking from before they were even one year old. Those aren’t things that happened to them because they were “bad”.

One of the girls there gave us the best explanation I have heard and I also believe that our lives are mapped out for us before we’re even put on this earth. There is a reason for everything although we have no clue what it is at the time it’s happening. Trust me when I say this Liz because my father was sick almost his entire life and he did fight cancer. Does that mean he deserved it? Well hell no but he helped a heck of a lot of people because of it so for that reason maybe that’s what it took. Who the hell really knows.

Hang in there girl because you can always turn things around for the better. At least with your attitude if not your overall health.