Ambiguity, heartless, high-maintenance

I couldn’t really figure out one steady topic to talk about, so these below will work since I don’t really have much to say about them.

I struggle with ambiguity.

I remember teachers getting mad at me during my grade school years because I couldn’t make up my mind for whatever thing I needed to say yes or no to, make a decision on, etc. I like to analyze both sides of a situation before making any final decisions. Sometimes I don’t analyze both sides because I get too excited about a decision and/or don’t want anyone to change my mind. Unfortunately, the end result is often a dangerous one if I didn’t analyze all sides’ outcomes before making the decision first. And then rarely after I do analyze all sides of a situation, it may still be the dangerous side in the end – or rejection, or denial, etc.

I’m not a heartless person, and I don’t lack feelings.

A lot of people have referred to me as a heartless person because I don’t show many emotions. I wear a blank expression on my face because it got me by growing up. I don’t smile often when I don’t really have a reason (or sometimes even when I do have a reason) because smiling raised questions growing up by [mostly] lard, and I didn’t want to answer them because I seriously felt (and still do feel) as though they were seriously none of his business.

I didn’t cry when Mama Lois, my great grandmother on my mom’s side of the family, passed away/after her funeral/etc. because I’d already seen her die. It was that last stroke I wasn’t at home for because I wanted to play on the Internet (which required me to go to my mom’s house). She couldn’t go because she had her doctor coming for therapy, but when the doctor/nurse lady arrived, she had had a stroke. I still feel really bad, and if I been there I feel like we would have been able to get help sooner. I don’t remember how long she was in the hospital, but at-home care was killer on all of us. It wasn’t what she would have wanted, I know that.1 But I had already spent my nights crying myself to sleep before she died. I didn’t attend the funeral part where they bury her not because I am heartless and/or lack feelings, but because I seriously don’t do well with criers. I try, but dude… That’s just not my thing. Mimi would always want to cry on my shoulder about her problems, and I’d feel like I was holding a snotty facial tissue some random kid had just handed to me with simply my thumb and index finger… ihhck.2

Eating healthy and enjoying doing so does not make me “high maintenance”.

For some reason my mom would often refer to me as “high maintenance” because I liked (and usually preferred) to eat healthier. I don’t really know how to keep talking about this one topic/thing, but… Am I supposed to apologize for doing something that makes me feel better? OH WAIT. I’m not supposed to feel better according to her. Whoops. Sorry guys, I figured this one out on my own.

  1. Meaning she wouldn’t have wanted to be an “eggplant” as many people seem to call this these days.
  2. Maybe I felt like this because it was always forced. If I offer up a hug or something, that’s most likely the most you’re gonna get from me.

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Comments on this post

Robin’s gravatar

I can relate to a lot of what you wrote here. I’m not a crier, either, and I can often be blank and stone-faced.
Personally, I prefer people who are seemingly heartless but show true emotions at times…rather than the people who are constantly giggly or teary-eyed at every little thing, so that you don’t know what situations/events really matter to them.

Rachel’s gravatar

I think it’s great that you try to analyse both sides of situations before making decisions. I think I could probably learn from you on that.

There is absolutely NOTHING WRONG with wanting to eat healthy. I don’t know anything about how your mom reacts or what she says, but I wonder if she gets upset because you wanting to eat healthy means you aren’t really a fan of her cooking. Of course I don’t know the situation, but that’s my guess.

Liza’s gravatar

I don’t think there is, either. It was back in 2009 and 2010, and even here recently (2011, mostly) that she would say such things. Even when I didn’t live with her (and I don’t now) I don’t know… I think she was just really mad that I was eating healthy (because she didn’t really eat that healthy) and not eating out all of the time, or even interested in doing so.

Sara’s gravatar

Liz — Hey, I’m the opposite. I cry at the drop of a hat. It’s embarrassing. I think I’d rather be more like you. When I watched Green Tomatoes, a sad movie, I had to fast forward through the really sad parts because I was sobbing.
Don’t let anyone tell you massive crying is a relief — it just makes me feel awful. Funerals do me in even if I didn’t know the person well. Yes, you would not want to be next to me at a funeral:~)

The point is we all approach life differently and there’s really no “right” way to be a human. It’s a shame that the people around you don’t realize this. Be who you are; you don’t need to justify yourself.

Susi’s gravatar

Hello Liza! I love posts about random things, random is interesting. I’m so sorry about your great grandma. I know it’s easy to think about the ifs after something like that.
I love the look of your blog, may I ask what platform it is? It doesn’t look like any typical well-known blogging platform. I really like to see something new…. so many blogs all look the same.

Liza’s gravatar

Thanks for dropping by. ^^;

I use the self-hosted version of WordPress! I think you use it, too? 😛 Georgina made the theme for an adequate fee. It was well worth the money I spent. :p I also use a few plugins: Acronyms, Akismet, Clean Archives Reloaded, CommentLuv, Contact Form 7, Custom Smilies, FD Footnotes, Lightbox 2, Simple Spoiler Enhanced, WordPress Thread Comment and WP Hide Pages. Okay, so that turned out to be more than a few, heh.

I think it all depends on how you customize your blog’s front page — and the set up of the theme plays a large part as well. ^^ Hope this helps. :3

Susi’s gravatar

@Liza, so it IS WordPress! I really didn’t recognize it! :8 That’s a really nice theme, then! That Georgina girl’s blog also looked amazing! And yes, I also use self-hosted WP. My theme is from I used to build my own, but even if web design is a big interest of mine, it was so annoying (because of certain not mentioned browsers that can’t read CSS) that I started to look for not-too-expensive ones to buy and really liked the one I’m using now (that’s about the only one I really like from there too… Theme forest is more focused on business blogs).

Liza’s gravatar

Haha. 😛 Yeppers!

Really? I’ve always validated my CSS, and it usually (as far as I knew/know) looked the same in all browsers. I’d test it out in IE last since I always just use Google Chrome. 😛

She offers free themes, too. Vicky used to have some pretty AWESOME themes as well, but I don’t think she’s ever going to come back or else I’d link you to her as well. 🙁

Mallory’s gravatar

I can’t believe your Mum would call you out and poke fun of you for wanting to eat healthy! That’s so ridiculous. /fangs So many people nowadays, Americans, Canadians, and UKers especially are dangerously overweight because they refuse to eat healthily. Surely your Mum doesn’t want you to start developing these kinds of conditions just because you’d rather eat grilled chicken as opposed to KFC! /huh

And unfortunately, I can’t relate to you now being the type to show your emotions and/or not cry. I’m a very emotional person and pretty much every single one of my feelings are easily readable upon my face the instant they cross through my mind, unfortunately. x.x I kinda wish I had your self control for certain situations where my emotions give me away and end up causing trouble for me! /laugh

Liv’s gravatar

If you call that ambiguity then it’s a good thing. Teachers … well forget them. I tend to overanalyze things because I have OCD, but that’s not good because it’ll keep plaguing me. Best example is the thousands of $$$ I have spent on DVDs and what other stuff I could’ve spent the money on, especially since my taste in media has changed.

What is so wrong about not showing emotions? For the record I think natural smiling looks horrible unless the person has a beautiful smile and is doing a photoshoot. Besides, there’s really no reason to share emotions with the world because they’ll just ask you if you’re okay, then not care. Personally I don’t think it’s heartless if you don’t attend a funeral. Emotions can’t just be expressed at some event, especially if its for someone close to you.

I’m going to agree with what Rachel thought even though you already said otherwise. If your mom says eating healthy is high maintenance then it just sounds like an excuse to not say she’s upset.

Stephanie’s gravatar

Someone should slap your mom really really hard. Eating healthy and not eating out all the time saves money and is good for you.

It took my parents many many years to figure out that I don’t show that much feeling and that I feel a lot more than I show. I don’t think that there’s anything wrong with it except that people who don’t realize it will first assume that you’re heartless before they think that you’re just not showing it. My solution to all that has been to just ignore all the people who don’t matter that much to me.