I have actually gotten yelled at over the web or text message about this—not through CAPITAL LETTERS, but through intense explanations of how I am an ungrateful little shit who doesn’t understand she is just being lazy and expecting the world to hand things to her.
Who would have thought an interview I did on someone’s blog would stir up trouble [with offline relations]?
I grew to a point where I’m not OK with that interview, and that is unfortunate, because it is kind of a good thing. Last month, I stumbled a cross a post a blogger wrote on her own blog as an update to a post containing her interview on another blog1, and I liked that idea.
So I’m doing that, and I’m hoping my family won’t get all pissed off at me over it from now on.
A few things to consider:
- I assume Sarah wants people to get real in their interviews.
- I felt sugarcoating anything would take away my honesty and true self.
- I sent in the questions a few weeks to a month before that post went up. From what I remember, around that time, I was dealing with a family who really didn’t understand my Tourette Syndrome—I have posts on 6birds about how people are constantly asking me to pray it away, and everywhere I turned for help in the community, others seemed to have the same feelings.
- I really thought me attending therapy was going to be something that helped my family understand me better, but instead, they continued looking for quick, simple fixes to my mental health “problems”.
Also, before we get started, I question the world when things are just handed to me, as such feels too easy. I’ve had to work at least ten times harder for everything in my life, and I was raised to believe life is neither easy nor fair, and that anything and everything in the movies can never happen for me, even if it is in a documentary, because I am “undeserving” and need to pay for all the things I did wrong.
I am not ungrateful for wanting change and a better life in the future, etc. My no-BS policy marching in on the way someone thinks I should act instead is not an act of ungratefulness. My lack of love for my mother is not an act of ungratefulness, either—it is the result of a neglectful mother who didn’t want her daughter.
I really don’t tolerate people who call me ungrateful, disrespectful, and/or selfish; let’s just make that clear.
The comments on the interview post actually made the whole thing totally worth it. I was vulnerable in the interview. I was totally real. My emotions were raw.
Is it possible to “cure” Tourette’s?
Update: There is shock treatment, which works for some, but I am not for it. I don’t see it as a bad thing, so I don’t feel Tourette Syndrome needs a cure. (I see it similar to a “cure” for autism.)
What I would like, however, is something to relax my muscles and whatnot, because that is the basis of my tics, and having a shoulder blade that is constantly moving is exhausting. There is no “stay still” mode for me, because something somewhere is going to be moving. I also don’t always realise I’m performing a tic right in the moment; if I’m with people, their eyes usually look to where the tic is happening (e.g. my twitching neck, my bouncing knee, etc.) or flat-out ask me about it.
I would like temporary treatment, and I know they do exist, but I don’t want to depend on it. I don’t want it to be seen as any easy way out or a permanent solution. I just want a little break sometimes, because tics are physically exhausting. They wear me out. If I wake at 10am to an empty house and only tic, aside from the regular wake-up routine (restroom, brushing teeth, getting and drinking a cold water bottle, etc.) for an hour, I am going to feel like I never got any sleep.
I’ve learned, however, the amount of my tics depends greatly on my mood. Anxiety makes tics worse, whereas feeling “bleh” doesn’t produce as many tics as when I’m happy or upset.
How has your diagnosis affected your life?
Update: I was once prescribed a muscle relaxer to help my muscles relax because they had been worked up so much that I was in physical pain over it, and that lessened my tics.
When I have dental surgery, I have to have the medicine that makes me sleep, because otherwise, dentists think I am purposely moving about/trying to make them stop, even when I’m not in pain and just hate the noise. I’m lucky to finally have found a dentist who understands my need to be asleep during procedures, because others have literally strapped me down before, and my mother merely helped them and got onto me for them needing to take that kind of action later.
I can’t take proper eye tests, because I cannot keep my eyes looking in one spot long enough to complete the test without eye and sight tics starting up. Once, one of the persons performing one of those sight tests literally grabbed my head and held it against the machine as hard as she could, then said, “Stop moving. I’m not going to tell you again!” It was a neck twitch tic. I really couldn’t control it. I literally wanted to cry, but I felt like it was my fault that that happened, because I should have been able to control it.
What advice would you give to others struggling with something similar?
Update: If you think you have it, try to find someone who specialises in Tourette Syndrome, OCD, ADHD and autism. Bipolar Disorder may be a helpful addition to their specialties. Through my research on the syndrome, I’ve realised Tourette’s is usually paired with OCD, ADHD, autism, or Bipolar Disorder.
The first doctor I have told since accepting my diagnosis was my dentist, and it made the dental experience so much worth it. I actually mentioned my autism, even. Honestly, if you don’t find a doctor who has the patience, and you have control over who you see, you need to find someone who will. In forums, I have read doctors specialising in “special needs” patients to be some of the best, so maybe that will aide you in your looking.
- Sorry if my wording sounds constipated. ↩