And the old Facebook account

My mother and I are estranged.

After trying many old email addresses I could think of, I gained access to the Facebook account I had throughout from around 2007-2010 after trying and successfully attempting to not see the ‘this email is not associated with Facebook’ message in a red message box above the login form. The winning email address was my name at XD

I un-deactivated it. It was reactivated, and I was looking for and finding certain pictures.

…however, there were other things to unveil in looking through said pictures:

  • how it hurts to see pictures of my mom and I happy together;
  • how it pains me deeply to see pictures of my siblings and remember those moments, only to be reminded I haven’t seen them in two years;
  • how annoying my ex, CG, really was and how bad we were for each other, as well as how possessive and untrustworthy he was; and
  • how painful it was when I realized the account has my mom on the friends’ list.

Finding old pictures of myself turned into a painful experience.

I looked. I looked at my mom’s profile, and even remembering seeing her happy without me, her firstborn daughter, creates this horrendous ache in my chest I didn’t know I could have.

I realized I still don’t fully understand how or why a mother can/could hate her daughter so much and be able to just live life on as if said daughter never existed.

Honestly, the whole mother-and-child-love thing is something I still struggle accepting I might never have. I crave it to the point that I would give up dance if it meant my mom would love me — that I would succumb and change into something she would accept if it meant she would love me unconditionally and indefinitely — but that’s toxic.

And when I realized how much of a parasite the account was, I decided to quickly make an escape. It was triggering, and I saved the photos as quickly as I could. I can always go back later and gather all the photos, or maybe there’s a person with the strength to gather them all for me that I don’t know about yet. Maybe there’s an easier way I just have yet to think up.

I remembered and felt the betrayal from my mom and lard and ex-boyfriend, CG, and I realized I probably never fit or belonged in their lives in a positive, less dramatic way.

And I re-deactivated it.

And I am okay… and now I know my limits. I’m glad I did that.

…and before I did that, I took some selfies. It has been over a year since I’ve taken any, let alone taken any pictures of myself. I’m making progress.1

And the new default
I re-discovered the self-timer settings on my camera and took photos of myself… A picture says a thousand words, and depending on how you look at this one, I think it can say a lot. I think eyes alone can say, and show, a lot.

…and no, I don’t regret what happened between my mother and I. It’s not my fault — I realize that now — and I can’t change her, so why should I feel like it’s my fault? 🙂

  1. It might be worth mentioning I’ve been investing myself more into things I enjoy and have found hope in various departments and things, e.g. I really might be able to dance for the rest of my life.

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Comments on this post

Stephanie’s gravatar

I am proud to be your friend because you had the courage to go through that experience, painful as it was. You’ve definitely come a long way if you were able to do that!

Rarely are relationships simple, and the relationship between you and your mother was no exception, and I can’t imagine any of it is easy to deal with right now. But I know that you went into that account with a goal in mind, and i know that you have the drive to accompanish whatever you’re trying to do. <3

Dre’s gravatar

I don’t know what happened between you and your mom, but I am hoping that you and your mom get reconnected. I can’t imagine my life without mine. 🙂

Liz’s gravatar

My mom and I probably never will be… I’ve never had a mother, just someone who carried and gave birth to me. :p

Sara’s gravatar

One the most difficult things I had to learn in my life was sometimes family or a parent isn’t what you want them to be or need them to be. Some times a parent does more harm than good.

There may be a time when you can re-establish contact, but perhaps not now. Your job in this world is to make yourself be everything you were meant to be; to flower. You can’t do when someone keeps jerking you out of the healthy soil. You have find a place where you can grow.

What pleases me is I see you doing this, even if hurts like hell. You’re finding your own way and you will be a stronger person. I know it. I have faith in you, Liz:~)

Agent Q’s gravatar

To a lesser extent, I’m on the same boat with you, but with my dad. Although the thought of him doesn’t trigger me as much as yours does with your mom, the general idea applies. One thing I can say is that you did the right thing by reclaiming the agency and moving on. Many who try are held back for multiple reasons. Sure, it’s not easy for you either. However, your resilience shows here, and that bodes well. I am very grateful to have known you in the blogging world.

Holly’s gravatar

I’m sorry to hear that you are your mother are estranged. I can only imagine how tough it must be not to not have a mum around. But you must be a strong person to be able to overlook this and you should be proud of yourself for that.

Stay strong. 🙂

Richard’s gravatar

That is such a sad thing to happen. I really hope you get through it. My mum/sister are going through something similar atm too, it’s the opposite though. My sister wants nothing to do with my mum.

I hope you stay strong.