Do you ever say something and it come out wrong – and the other person has already perceived their opinion of whatever it was that you said, so it was too late – and then you realize exactly what you did? Yet you can’t really fix it because it was already said, yet it sounded great in your head… That happens to me all of the time, and people are probably going to reply saying it happens to them all of the time, too, but it’s different for me on an entirely new level this year because I’m struggling so much with thinking. I mean, well… Just, it’s bad when you have Deja Vu about something, and then you have it again, only to realize you previously had it over that same thing – or did you? I’ve felt very disoriented lately.
When I received my Wreck This Journal in the mail (I haven’t touched it much lately…), I did a few pages for a few days, but not many. The prompt that is something along the lines of writing one word repeatedly was the one I wanted to do most. I wrote conquer. It means a lot for me, and I don’t want to lose my life to depression. Those who have never been depressed probably don’t know that much about it (especially first hand), and I’ve noticed they’re
kind of ignorant –
- “Well, isn’t there a cure?”
- “Can’t she just take medication and go back to normal? She’s ruining her life because of this, and she doesn’t seem to care no matter what I do.”
- “I don’t see how people can just be sad all of the time. I mean, you were smiling earlier. And laughing. I mean, honestly? You can just do what you have to do in life and be happy; that’s the only way. But instead you’re just not and you’re trying to get all of this special treatment, and it’s really annoying.”
- “Well how about we put you on another register and see how you do instead of you going home.”
- “Are you serious about this job?”
- “You’re not normal.”
- “You belong in a hospital/mental institution if you’re really feeling that way. I’m tired of reading your tweets, take it somewhere else.”
- “You’re crazy.”
You learn really fast who your friends are and who’s willing to help, even if those that do help in the beginning end up screwing you over a bit. Just because you take someone to the doctor, talk a while, get some tests ran and schedule an appointment for the actual treatment and MAYBE medication DOES NOT MEAN IT’S AN INSTANT CURE. THAT WHOLE THING DIDN’T DO A THING. Therefore, it is completely ignorant, disrespectful and rude to tell a person they’re irresponsible, disrespectful and ungrateful ASSUMING they don’t care that you’ve tried to help and that THEY DON’T CARE about their life enough to keep on working and hiding every dang thing.
I decided to blog about it. I’m still working on wording it properly, but I finally decided I’m going to blog about what made me quit working at Walmart – the dirty details. Holding it in is worse, and frustrating, and I’m tired of having to keep crap “all in the family” like I was raised to do and like others expect me to do. That just doesn’t work for me.
And yeah, I quit. I quit because a manager embarrassed me in front of pretty much everyone (at least that’s how it felt, and rumors spread rapidly there). I wasn’t comfortable sharing ANY details related to my mental health, but it was either that or another question along the lines of, “Are you serious about this job?” I would walk into the lounge – I would clock in – and people would be all “That’s the one who wants to kill herself”.
The worse part is that I don’t like talking on the phone, especially about things like this. Also, I dislike confrontations – but would rather do them in person. The manager got away with it, but um.
It really hurts to hold it all in.