“Conquer”

Do you ever say something and it come out wrong – and the other person has already perceived their opinion of whatever it was that you said, so it was too late – and then you realize exactly what you did? Yet you can’t really fix it because it was already said, yet it sounded great in your head… That happens to me all of the time, and people are probably going to reply saying it happens to them all of the time, too, but it’s different for me on an entirely new level this year because I’m struggling so much with thinking. I mean, well… Just, it’s bad when you have Deja Vu about something, and then you have it again, only to realize you previously had it over that same thing – or did you? I’ve felt very disoriented lately.

When I received my Wreck This Journal in the mail (I haven’t touched it much lately…), I did a few pages for a few days, but not many. The prompt that is something along the lines of writing one word repeatedly was the one I wanted to do most. I wrote conquer. It means a lot for me, and I don’t want to lose my life to depression. Those who have never been depressed probably don’t know that much about it (especially first hand), and I’ve noticed they’re kind of ignorant –

  • “Well, isn’t there a cure?”
  • “Can’t she just take medication and go back to normal? She’s ruining her life because of this, and she doesn’t seem to care no matter what I do.”
  • “I don’t see how people can just be sad all of the time. I mean, you were smiling earlier. And laughing. I mean, honestly? You can just do what you have to do in life and be happy; that’s the only way. But instead you’re just not and you’re trying to get all of this special treatment, and it’s really annoying.”
  • “Well how about we put you on another register and see how you do instead of you going home.”
  • “Are you serious about this job?”
  • “You’re not normal.”
  • “You belong in a hospital/mental institution if you’re really feeling that way. I’m tired of reading your tweets, take it somewhere else.”
  • “You’re crazy.”

You learn really fast who your friends are and who’s willing to help, even if those that do help in the beginning end up screwing you over a bit. Just because you take someone to the doctor, talk a while, get some tests ran and schedule an appointment for the actual treatment and MAYBE medication DOES NOT MEAN IT’S AN INSTANT CURE. THAT WHOLE THING DIDN’T DO A THING. Therefore, it is completely ignorant, disrespectful and rude to tell a person they’re irresponsible, disrespectful and ungrateful ASSUMING they don’t care that you’ve tried to help and that THEY DON’T CARE about their life enough to keep on working and hiding every dang thing.

I decided to blog about it. I’m still working on wording it properly, but I finally decided I’m going to blog about what made me quit working at Walmart – the dirty details. Holding it in is worse, and frustrating, and I’m tired of having to keep crap “all in the family” like I was raised to do and like others expect me to do. That just doesn’t work for me.

And yeah, I quit. I quit because a manager embarrassed me in front of pretty much everyone (at least that’s how it felt, and rumors spread rapidly there). I wasn’t comfortable sharing ANY details related to my mental health, but it was either that or another question along the lines of, “Are you serious about this job?” I would walk into the lounge – I would clock in – and people would be all “That’s the one who wants to kill herself”.

The worse part is that I don’t like talking on the phone, especially about things like this. Also, I dislike confrontations – but would rather do them in person. The manager got away with it, but um.

It really hurts to hold it all in.

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Comments on this post

Lauren’s gravatar

Oh Liz 🙁 I want to say something nice to help you deal with the ignorant people who just don’t understand but all I can say is there are people out there in the same situation who do understand. You should be proud of yourself – my talking about your depression openly you are helping to remove the stigma. Every time you talk to someone in their ignorant little bubble about this you are defying their ill-informed, preconceived notions and fighting the fight.

People also don’t understand just how difficult the treatment can be! It can be really hard finding a doctor who takes you seriously. After five years I finally found a doctor who listened but even then there’s the experiments in finding a medication that works with your brain structure (if there is one) or if you’re going down the therapy route finding a therapist you respond to.

Your manager is a jerk and it makes me sad that someone close to him will suffer with mental illness at somepoint (it’s something like 1/4th of people suffer?) and they won’t be able to count on him for support.

Lauren’s gravatar

That’s not true and the website you’ve linked says as such – “If there is one word that is overused, that word is depression. Everyone is depressed. Not true. Everybody gets depressed at some time or other. Also, not true. Everybody gets sad and blue. Absolutely true. But getting sad or blue for a few hours or even days, does not mean that you suffer from depression as a mood disorder.”

Liz’s gravatar

I didn’t see that part. I lost the other articles I have, but at least one point in a person’s life, they will suffer from SOME kind. It may go unnoticed, but still. At least once. I learned this both in Psychology, in my three health classes I kept getting put into and from multiple doctors.

However, I’m not going to argue about this… I don’t wish to argue with people; I just want to change the stereotype.

I don’t really see why you’re arguing over one thing I messed up that I linked to quickly. I was replying, and then I literally left, as in the house. It’s not really an important thing to worry about…

Stephanie’s gravatar

You know, you’d think that with medications and formal treatment, people would understand what mental disorders really are. Just like that isn’t a real cure for the common cold, there is no cure for mental disorders. Medications are there to help you help yourself, and your coworkers and manager seem very ignorant.

After going through a period in which I just had no motivation, I would say that everyone does go through a period of depression from time to time. It might be subtle and perhaps not enough to get a formal diagnosis, but you still just feel downright depressed with low levels of energy all the time.

By the way, my roommate has bipolar ii disorder. She was put on medication three years ago, and has stopped taking them. I can no longer tell that she has bipolar disorder, so I can safely say that she’s conquered it with the help of a few close friends who understood what a disorder was and her mother, a former doctor and a current drug developer. “Conquer” was a great word to write and it is certainly possible to conquer your PTSD and depression. Good luck!

Stephanie’s gravatar

To be clear, I am aware that some people are fortunate enough to not have to suffer through depression. (I just felt like I had no energy for two-three months…)