Mixing crushes with tragedy
My experience with the guys who liked me in middle school and high school could very possibly be the reason I practically start spraying my boyfriend repellent with my mouth and actions as soon as one starts to actually show interest in me. I don’t intentionally try to make this happen; it just happens. I always say/do something wrong, and it just turns them away.
However, in a way this really works well as far as ridding the pest-like boyfriends1 away.
In sixth grade, I had a crush on a guy in my math class named James who always had his hair braided. I always wondered if it was shaggy or something.2 Anyway, I just thought he was hot. Don’t poke fun at me; I was young and dumb as far as guys went. He was actually mean to people, and I didn’t want to believe it. Not a crush I’m really too proud of having.
In seventh grade I developed a crush on some eighth grader with shaggy hair. Since I’d surrounded myself with girls who obsessed over their crushes/boyfriends, I figured that was the way you were supposed to act. So, what did I do? I. Went. Crazy. I feel so sorry for that boy. Trust me, you’ve never met a more boy-crazy girl than middle school me. How could I have ever been so desperate? OMG.
In eighth grade I liked some boy in my grade whom I shared Pre-AP English class with and have not heard of/been able to find since the last day of school named Nick who people told me was some guy who was just super shy and had this huge crush on me as well and couldn’t believe I liked him, and now I seriously find myself hoping I’ll just bump into him one day and him turn out to be the love of my life. And if I can’t be the one who is the love of my life, then I’d much rather him either be gay or tell me that he couldn’t find me either and had searched high and low for me and thought I’d died and cried over me and whatnot. Probably really lame, but he was this bundle of adorableness that is very similar to a teddy bear you don’t want to let go. I claimed I was in love, and I think that kind of love was the most possible amount of love you can have for someone without knowing a lot about a person/being friends with said person. Of course, this probably doesn’t make sense. Just let me have my stupid fairy tale wish and keep on thinking/believing that this would make a lovely plot for a novel that I can destroy in the end since happy endings don’t really seem to exist.
In ninth and tenth grade, my crushes were merely crushes because I wanted to feel like someone could possibly care for me. Granted, there were a few guys who liked me, but I’m not really interested who sees me for my body over my personality and not for what I really want out of a relationship (first thing being long-term).
Now, for the “best” part of this crush tragedy of mine.
When I would walk up to them and/or have to talk to them, my mind turned to mush. The fact that I had a huge stuttering problem and no idea whatsoever as to how to truly interact with people in a somewhat manner that was at least acceptable to society didn’t exactly help at all. Thus, anything I tried to say came out as “gfsjgfsjhgjfghjf”, followed by a deep storm of red covering my already naturally rosy cheeks. When your cheeks have a natural and slight red tint to them, you. don’t. want. to. blush. in. public. It’s kind of like how too many times I have allergic reactions that resemble scars from pimples/zits on my face, when in reality my face is actually smooth and there were zero pimples/zits there to begin with. In a way, it gives an allusion that something else happened/is happening when in reality it really isn’t/hasn’t.
Nowadays, I still have those stupid butterflies when I’m around a cute guy or something, and I may blush. I may grow all giddy and such, too. However, I don’t go super crazy over a guy because I’m so afraid of getting my heart broken sooner than I can handle. I don’t enjoy rejection, so I don’t chase. If they think I’m worth their time, I think they’ll chase me. They’ll show me I’m different.
I guess I’m a lot like the guy in the scenario featured in Demi’s Give Your Heart a Break, and I want a guy who will keep trying and holding on like Demi does in the video. Personally, I think that’s okay.
#PlotTwist: I’m a lesbian. I attribute the giddy feelings more to the hype than having any real feelings for them. I didn’t really know these people on a personal level. When I did, I felt like I was supposed to like them in that way because I’d been told all my life that that was the point. If there was any guy I ever could have truly seen myself with, it has to be my first boyfriend, Andrew. He’s the last guy I’ve ever had true significant other-level feelings for. Every other guy has been pure hype and conjecture, re: We get on well, so we’re supposed to be together, right?