Mixing crushes with tragedy

My experience with the guys who liked me in middle school and high school could very possibly be the reason I practically start spraying my boyfriend repellent with my mouth and actions as soon as one starts to actually show interest in me. I don’t intentionally try to make this happen; it just happens. I always say/do something wrong, and it just turns them away.

However, in a way this really works well as far as ridding the pest-like boyfriends1 away.

In sixth grade, I had a crush on a guy in my math class named James who always had his hair braided. I always wondered if it was shaggy or something.2 Anyway, I just thought he was hot. Don’t poke fun at me; I was young and dumb as far as guys went. He was actually mean to people, and I didn’t want to believe it. Not a crush I’m really too proud of having.

In seventh grade I developed a crush on some eighth grader with shaggy hair. Since I’d surrounded myself with girls who obsessed over their crushes/boyfriends, I figured that was the way you were supposed to act. So, what did I do? I. Went. Crazy. I feel so sorry for that boy. Trust me, you’ve never met a more boy-crazy girl than middle school me. How could I have ever been so desperate? OMG.

In eighth grade I liked some boy in my grade whom I shared Pre-AP English class with and have not heard of/been able to find since the last day of school named Nick who people told me was some guy who was just super shy and had this huge crush on me as well and couldn’t believe I liked him, and now I seriously find myself hoping I’ll just bump into him one day and him turn out to be the love of my life. And if I can’t be the one who is the love of my life, then I’d much rather him either be gay or tell me that he couldn’t find me either and had searched high and low for me and thought I’d died and cried over me and whatnot. Probably really lame, but he was this bundle of adorableness that is very similar to a teddy bear you don’t want to let go. I claimed I was in love, and I think that kind of love was the most possible amount of love you can have for someone without knowing a lot about a person/being friends with said person. Of course, this probably doesn’t make sense. Just let me have my stupid fairy tale wish and keep on thinking/believing that this would make a lovely plot for a novel that I can destroy in the end since happy endings don’t really seem to exist.

In ninth and tenth grade, my crushes were merely crushes because I wanted to feel like someone could possibly care for me. Granted, there were a few guys who liked me, but I’m not really interested who sees me for my body over my personality and not for what I really want out of a relationship (first thing being long-term).

Now, for the “best” part of this crush tragedy of mine.

When I would walk up to them and/or have to talk to them, my mind turned to mush. The fact that I had a huge stuttering problem and no idea whatsoever as to how to truly interact with people in a somewhat manner that was at least acceptable to society didn’t exactly help at all. Thus, anything I tried to say came out as “gfsjgfsjhgjfghjf”, followed by a deep storm of red covering my already naturally rosy cheeks. When your cheeks have a natural and slight red tint to them, you. don’t. want. to. blush. in. public. It’s kind of like how too many times I have allergic reactions that resemble scars from pimples/zits on my face, when in reality my face is actually smooth and there were zero pimples/zits there to begin with. In a way, it gives an allusion that something else happened/is happening when in reality it really isn’t/hasn’t.

Nowadays, I still have those stupid butterflies when I’m around a cute guy or something, and I may blush. I may grow all giddy and such, too. However, I don’t go super crazy over a guy because I’m so afraid of getting my heart broken sooner than I can handle. I don’t enjoy rejection, so I don’t chase. If they think I’m worth their time, I think they’ll chase me. They’ll show me I’m different.

I guess I’m a lot like the guy in the scenario featured in Demi’s Give Your Heart a Break, and I want a guy who will keep trying and holding on like Demi does in the video. Personally, I think that’s okay.

#PlotTwist: I’m a lesbian. I attribute the giddy feelings more to the hype than having any real feelings for them. I didn’t really know these people on a personal level. When I did, I felt like I was supposed to like them in that way because I’d been told all my life that that was the point. If there was any guy I ever could have truly seen myself with, it has to be my first boyfriend, Andrew. He’s the last guy I’ve ever had true significant other-level feelings for. Every other guy has been pure hype and conjecture, re: We get on well, so we’re supposed to be together, right?

  1. You know, the ones that won’t care much throughout it all.
  2. No, I don’t know his ethnicity/race. Personally, I don’t really find that important. I apparently attract people of all types, and I honestly go for personality more than anything.

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Comments on this post

Georgie’s gravatar

A lot of people actually like dating, which surprises me. I like people like you who are on the lookout for a real true boyfriend, a long-term one… and not just someone to hang around. That’s a good thing. :)) A real relationship that – you know – goes pretty deep. I really commend you for waiting for the right person.

I’m so embarrassed about my crushes. In high school I was the girl whose crush changed so much, people started to just assume I was dating them, and then dubbed that I had dated a guy for two weeks, etc… we didn’t “date”, we only hung out! Admittedly, that guy was a cutie, albeit two years younger than me. He now goes to the same university as me and still has the longish shaggy (LOL) hair… that was probably my “type” – my ex had long blonde hair.

I totally understand what you mean about loving someone so much even though you know next to nothing about them. It’s a wonderful feeling at times, being able to keep that distance but also feeling this insane, undeniable adoration for that person. I don’t know what I could liken it to, but I think that maybe, some of the musicians I know – I guess I love them a lot, without actually knowing them. It IS different for someone you are crushing on who you see often, though…

Stephanie’s gravatar

In the Middle Ages, the troubadours wrote song after song about women they couldn’t have and only watched from a distance. You were certainly not the first to behave the way you did! When I was in high school, I always got the butterflies when I was talking to my crush. And if you still get the butterflies, it means that you need more cute guys to talk to! 😛

I am a girl who has gone ahead and chased guys without much fear of rejection. Doing the asking isn’t that bad. It’s okay if you blush a bit. I think that the guy you’re looking for is the guy who’s so worth it to you, that you’ll be willing to break your trend of not chasing after guys in order for a better chance with him. Every time I asked a guy out to a date (even if it wasn’t to start a relationship), I was breaking one of my personal rules. When I chased after my boyfriend, I broke the rule that I’d get to know a guy before dating him.

Shanti’s gravatar

I always had “little” crushes on boys and after a few months (or sometimes weeks) I got sick of them or they would annoy me so I would move on to the next crush (it were just crushes and some dates..noting serious). Now I’m in a relationship for almost 3 years with a boy who is the opposite of the boys I used to hang out with for a few weeks. So now I completely understand why I would always get sick or annoyed with those boys, just not my type. Lol.

Hiro’s gravatar

Aww. Cute. Like fairytales. 🙂
Unfortunately, there probably isn’t going to be a “perfect” Prince Charming that will come whisk you off your feet, but hopefully, there will be someone that you can love with all your heart and overlook the “not-so-charming” parts, and he do the same for you. Or maybe even embrace and love the “not-so-perfect” aspects that give them individuality, and make them more “real.”

Simone’s gravatar

Before high school I swear boys were the LAST thing on my mind. In elementary school, for once “boyfriends” don’t count in elementary school but being the new girl in 3rd grade, this one boy Kevin, always chased me around the classroom. Lol, he was cute and everyone had a crush on him but I was very indenial about him liking me. Anybody liking me actually and being the little girl that I was of course I always use to run. Exactly why he was chasing me in the first place. I was told that we did indeed go with each other though, lol. Then again in 5th grade, there was Desmond. I remember the day he slid me a piece of paper asking for my number. AGAIN I was indenial and was too shy to even consider. I did daydream about him at home though, lol. I was just TOO shy.

I didn’t get my first REAL boyfriend until I was a freshman in high school and every since then well…I’ve been pretty popular with the boys. I’m currently convinced that I am just the cutest thing ever because everyday someone is trying to talk to me. Never been the boy crazy type, my bestfriend on the other hand…YEAH anywhom.

I’m still indenial about certain people that claim to like me that’s why it’s a little hard for me to let people in. It’s not that I think I’m ugly or anything, I have ALL the confidence in the world. It’s just that people that I “crush” on, I never really expect them to have a crush on me too.

Tiffany’s gravatar

Well, you have to remember it works both ways, too. In Demi’s song, it’s obvious it’s the girl who puts a lot more effort into the relationship. It’s clearly unequal and it could lead to the girl wanting out because she’s not getting what she wants out of the relationship, which is a perfectly valid reason to leave.

Personally, I was the one who made the first move with my current boyfriend. Up till then, I had been very passive and would never even think of making the first move with anyone. I think what helped me “man up” was the thought of “missing 100% of the shots you don’t take”.

Liza’s gravatar

@Tiffany, I don’t really consider it “manning up”, and missing the shots doesn’t really affect me.

I understand it works both ways, but it kind of would make more sense if you had ever read my other blogs on relationships. Or the fact that I’m depressed, and I therefore cannot handle anything that could be emotionally destructive for me. I can’t afford to have my heart broken anymore. That may be “life” to some, but I really cannot. I’ve been through too much crap already, and I don’t want to have to settle and end up with some shitty husband like my mom’s second husband or just some guy who isn’t even interested in marriage.

Charles Bjørnsen Ravndal’s gravatar

This is a fun read since it makes me remember the time when I had crushes on both girls and boys. Yes, I started as a bisexual before I realised I wanted a man more than a woman. But when I was 19 I had this crazy crush on a girl, who happened to be a classmate of my ex-boyfriend. I had the guts to woe her and I even gave her a single white rose with a matching prose everyday in a span of two months. She was playing hard to get even though I knew she had a hots on me as her bff told me so. I got fed up of waiting for her to say yes that we go steady, so I wrote her a letter that I would stop pursuing her. I got this long reply telling me that she was planning to say “yes” during Valentine’s day, which was like a week later. Crazy no?

Liza’s gravatar

Wow… Was she wanting some “perfect” relationship to start on a certain day? Pft. That is crazy. 😛