Don’t feed it.

I’m back to sleeping too much again.

I hate the perception of laziness that society has, because depression can cause over sleeping, too.

I can’t exactly explain it, but it basically consists of the following:

  • sleeping through alarms, no matter how loud
  • sleep paralysis
  • having nightmares or not dreaming at all
  • feeling as if I am dead whilst sleeping

I’m shocked when I awake and see what time it is. It’s not my fault. I’m trying everything. I’m so exhausted, and yet I cannot sleep. I can’t get on a schedule. I suppose I could, but it would have to be a night schedule – sleep during the day, be awake at night. I’ve always slept better during the day because of my fear of the dark1. I also have better/more energy at night.

I think that it wouldn’t bother me so much (and stress me out even more) if it didn’t affect people around me. But it does. It bothers people around me, and I’ve gained the impression that they think I’m lazy. The job thing was brought up again.

Although I’m away from the negativity and whatnot, I’m not better. I lead people to believe more than what is actually going on. Thus said, I lead people to believe I’m okay and can handle what life throws at me, but I’m not really. I’m not really okay, and I can’t handle what life throws at me anymore. I don’t like letting people see I’m not okay, or that I’m weak, because in the past people have used that against me and knocked me down even more for their own entertainment. I have tried and tried to allow others to see what’s really going on, but something just won’t let me. I have a wall up. I’m refusing to allow myself to get hurt again. To be honest, I can’t really tell if I get hurt anymore because I’m already hurting.

I cry randomly. Little bitty things can make me cry. “You didn’t wash out your dish right, so I had to soak them again.” I can’t remember anything. I can remember things I have been doing for a long time, but I can’t remember certain things. I’m horrible at making something perfect. So I see me not eating a lot as kind of a good thing, but not because I want to. It’s as if depression and this horrid mental health have formed a personality of their own. Anything that I do wrong, things people say, things I think – various things that shouldn’t bother me feed this personality. Don’t call me Sarah, because you’re feeding it. Don’t tell me I look great, because you’re feeding it. Don’t tell me I look bad, because you’re feeding it. Don’t bring up job shit, because you’re feeding it. Don’t tell me I need to eat, because you’re feeding it. Don’t tell me you think I purposely stay up all night, because you’re feeding it. Don’t act like I’m making myself suffer, BECAUSE YOU’RE FEEDING IT.

I am the voice inside your head and I control you
I am the hate you try to hide and I control you
I am the denial, guilt and fear and I control you
I am the lie that you believe and I control you
I am the high you can’t sustain and I control you
I am the truth from which you run and I control you
I take you where you want to go
I give you all you need to know
I drag you down, I use you up
Mr. Self-destruct, NIN

I hate myself even more when I sleep too much.

And today, I’m to be up and ready to go clothes shopping for some nice clothes (or pants at least) by 2pm.

But I can’t control when I get up.

I have hardly any control over what my body does anymore. I’m not doing it to be lazy. I didn’t quit my job because I wanted to. I didn’t quit Walmart just for kicks even though I despised working there. I quit because I was 1) publicly embarrassed about having to share my personal life details with a manager just to prove I was serious about my job, 2) unable to continue preforming my job properly and safely without harming myself/others to and from work and 3) too mentally and emotionally unstable to function. I literally couldn’t function. And I’m not stable now. I can’t worry about doing ____/meeting people’s expectations.

Honestly, if I awake, eat, remember my name, am breathing, etc. that should be enough right now. I also haven’t cut for a little over two months. I’ve done good, haven’t I? I’m trying my best even though I’ve partially given up. I just want something I do to be enough.

  1. It’s actually more of a fear of being out at night and whatnot. It’s hard to explain, and it’s gotten worse this year.

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Comments on this post

Stephanie’s gravatar

Your habits sound like depression to me – and everyone will always try to appear okay even when they’re not. I’m the same, and I’m psychologically stable. And no, you can’t control what you’re feeling because that’s not how emotions work. And they’ll probably understand if you tell them the truth, but the truth is not easy to tell, and possibly not very believable.

Have you had a chance to get help from someone, and possibly to try antidepressants yet? Whether you have or have not, I will say that you not cutting for two months is a very good thing and an accomplishment. You are awesome. And if that’s feeding IT, then I’ll feed IT by telling you that I still think that you’re a great person until it explodes. 😀 😀 😀

Liza’s gravatar

No, I’ll be going to someone soon, though. Maybe after next week since it’s Thanksgiving and when I receive the card in the mail.

Right now I’m running on barely three hours of sleep because I have to go shopping for pants. I’m not in the mood and I can’t get out of it. How can I tell someone who thinks I’m doing it on purpose? I’ve explained and explained. I’m tired of trying. I’d really just rather die at this point, because I can’t figure out how to fix myself on my own, and I’m not stable enough to not be irritable.

Britney’s gravatar

I have depression as well, I deal with this a little bit but a few months ago, I went through a really bad bout through my depression. I would purposefully force myself to sleep because I preferred being asleep so I didn’t have to deal with the world. I would sleep 16-18 hours a day. Only time I wasn’t asleep was if I was at school or work.
:/

Liza’s gravatar

Maybe that’s what’s unintentionally happening to me, I don’t know. But I can’t handle working because of stress and whatnot. I can’t take much more stress. I don’t even have energy. 😐 Blah.

Sewon’s gravatar

I was actually feeling extremely down a few weeks ago, and had a hard time doing not much else other than hibernating in my room. This is perhaps not overly helpful, but I downloaded this iphone app called sleepcycle. It takes account of your sleep cycle waves and wakes you up when you should feel the most awake. It helped me sort of move towards a normal sleep cycle and a sense of normalcy overall. xx

Liza’s gravatar

Feeling down and depression are two different things. But I don’t have an iPhone. P: I do use sleepyti.me to see when to set my alarm. But it’s more than just sleeping. D;