I’m back to sleeping too much again.
I hate the perception of laziness that society has, because depression can cause over sleeping, too.
I can’t exactly explain it, but it basically consists of the following:
- sleeping through alarms, no matter how loud
- sleep paralysis
- having nightmares or not dreaming at all
- feeling as if I am dead whilst sleeping
I’m shocked when I awake and see what time it is. It’s not my fault. I’m trying everything. I’m so exhausted, and yet I cannot sleep. I can’t get on a schedule. I suppose I could, but it would have to be a night schedule – sleep during the day, be awake at night. I’ve always slept better during the day because of my fear of the dark1. I also have better/more energy at night.
I think that it wouldn’t bother me so much (and stress me out even more) if it didn’t affect people around me. But it does. It bothers people around me, and I’ve gained the impression that they think I’m lazy. The job thing was brought up again.
Although I’m away from the negativity and whatnot, I’m not better. I lead people to believe more than what is actually going on. Thus said, I lead people to believe I’m okay and can handle what life throws at me, but I’m not really. I’m not really okay, and I can’t handle what life throws at me anymore. I don’t like letting people see I’m not okay, or that I’m weak, because in the past people have used that against me and knocked me down even more for their own entertainment. I have tried and tried to allow others to see what’s really going on, but something just won’t let me. I have a wall up. I’m refusing to allow myself to get hurt again. To be honest, I can’t really tell if I get hurt anymore because I’m already hurting.
I cry randomly. Little bitty things can make me cry. “You didn’t wash out your dish right, so I had to soak them again.” I can’t remember anything. I can remember things I have been doing for a long time, but I can’t remember certain things. I’m horrible at making something perfect. So I see me not eating a lot as kind of a good thing, but not because I want to. It’s as if depression and this horrid mental health have formed a personality of their own. Anything that I do wrong, things people say, things I think – various things that shouldn’t bother me feed this personality. Don’t call me Sarah, because you’re feeding it. Don’t tell me I look great, because you’re feeding it. Don’t tell me I look bad, because you’re feeding it. Don’t bring up job shit, because you’re feeding it. Don’t tell me I need to eat, because you’re feeding it. Don’t tell me you think I purposely stay up all night, because you’re feeding it. Don’t act like I’m making myself suffer, BECAUSE YOU’RE FEEDING IT.
I am the voice inside your head and I control you
I am the hate you try to hide and I control you
I am the denial, guilt and fear and I control you
I am the lie that you believe and I control you
I am the high you can’t sustain and I control you
I am the truth from which you run and I control you
I take you where you want to go
I give you all you need to know
I drag you down, I use you up
Mr. Self-destruct, NIN
I hate myself even more when I sleep too much.
And today, I’m to be up and ready to go clothes shopping for some nice clothes (or pants at least) by 2pm.
But I can’t control when I get up.
I have hardly any control over what my body does anymore. I’m not doing it to be lazy. I didn’t quit my job because I wanted to. I didn’t quit Walmart just for kicks even though I despised working there. I quit because I was 1) publicly embarrassed about having to share my personal life details with a manager just to prove I was serious about my job, 2) unable to continue preforming my job properly and safely without harming myself/others to and from work and 3) too mentally and emotionally unstable to function. I literally couldn’t function. And I’m not stable now. I can’t worry about doing ____/meeting people’s expectations.
Honestly, if I awake, eat, remember my name, am breathing, etc. that should be enough right now. I also haven’t cut for a little over two months. I’ve done good, haven’t I? I’m trying my best even though I’ve partially given up. I just want something I do to be enough.
- It’s actually more of a fear of being out at night and whatnot. It’s hard to explain, and it’s gotten worse this year. ↩