No prefacing. No angst. It doesn’t matter how I was raised or how society thinks dreams are naive. It’s all irrelevant to me, because I have this thing called “hoping too much”, and everyone’s always telling me so, but I don’t care. It’s not their life, it’s mine.
I’m not even mad.
I am frustrated, though.
It started with a few different things, but didn’t hit me until Yuri on Ice. I love the show for many reasons, one being that the love portrayed in it is something everyone has told me doesn’t exist, and to see it and have made it normalized—the complementary camaraderie between two people that isn’t anyone else’s business but their own, but also not something which needs to be made into a big deal—gave me happy tears.
What struck me regarding the whole point of this post is that I’m capable of my dreams. The way to get there’s messy, not that I even know where to start, and there’s all this talk about how I’m 27 and haven’t had a boyfriend since I got dumped two days before Christmas in 2009—via Facebook. And don’t even get me started on this “prime” BS, about how I need to start thinking about settling down, and/or about how incomplete my life is without a husband.
I feel complete even though I’m single. If anything, being single for four years has helped me to find wholeness better than any romantic relationship has. It’s amazing.
What frustrates me, though, is that I have all these talents that—as cocky as it feels to admit—I feel like I was born to do. Pulling away isn’t an option, and every time I try or start to doubt myself, I’m pulled back—and not even in any way I could force upon myself.
So why am I not owning it? I’m all about owning it! I own who I am and don’t care what people say! But I think I’ve been holding myself back because of the doubt of others, because of the criticism from the people around me. I feel most joyful when I’m engaging in these talents. The more I work at them, in ways that put me closer to those dreams, I excel. It’s not just “practice makes perfect”, it’s you were born to do this. It’s as natural to me as breathing and as necessary as air.
I don’t care about this comparison competition. Who cares if I never design my own blog? I don’t anymore. If it happens, cool—exciting, even! I’ve started asking myself why I want certain things; I keep getting hit with “a means to an end” and/or “other people want it for me”. I’m not living for other people.
The 21st century introduces opportunities and options. They keep expanding. I was raised to be afraid of the world, but why? My allergies make me afraid, too.
I’m tired of it. I don’t want to be afraid anymore. I don’t want my fears to hold me back from what makes me glow.
I don’t know where it’s gonna lead me. It’s not something I can make checkpoint blog posts about. I can’t make a list of goals disguised as non-goals so you know what progress I’m making. I don’t know if I’ll die before I achieve my dreams. I’m glad to have been a pollinator in other people’s lives, and that’s adequate for me if that’s all I accomplish in my life. It’s not something I can help you fit into an elegant box or piece together like a puzzle.
Even I don’t know exactly what it is, but I believe in the impossible. I hope for it.
Here’s to whatever it is, wherever it leads me. 🍻 I can’t wait to share it with you.
And all it took was a hand injury. 🙄 Speaking of which, here a pic:
Please let me know about any typos! This is my usual policy/request/whatevs, but especially now.