Oops. What is life? 🤷‍♀️ I just realized I’m capable of my dreams. 🤦‍♀️

No prefacing. No angst. It doesn’t matter how I was raised or how society thinks dreams are naive. It’s all irrelevant to me, because I have this thing called “hoping too much”, and everyone’s always telling me so, but I don’t care. It’s not their life, it’s mine.

I’m not even mad.

I am frustrated, though.

It started with a few different things, but didn’t hit me until Yuri on Ice. I love the show for many reasons, one being that the love portrayed in it is something everyone has told me doesn’t exist, and to see it and have made it normalized—the complementary camaraderie between two people that isn’t anyone else’s business but their own, but also not something which needs to be made into a big deal—gave me happy tears.

What struck me regarding the whole point of this post is that I’m capable of my dreams. The way to get there’s messy, not that I even know where to start, and there’s all this talk about how I’m 27 and haven’t had a boyfriend since I got dumped two days before Christmas in 2009—via Facebook. And don’t even get me started on this “prime” BS, about how I need to start thinking about settling down, and/or about how incomplete my life is without a husband.

I feel complete even though I’m single. If anything, being single for four years has helped me to find wholeness better than any romantic relationship has. It’s amazing.

What frustrates me, though, is that I have all these talents that—as cocky as it feels to admit—I feel like I was born to do. Pulling away isn’t an option, and every time I try or start to doubt myself, I’m pulled back—and not even in any way I could force upon myself.

So why am I not owning it? I’m all about owning it! I own who I am and don’t care what people say! But I think I’ve been holding myself back because of the doubt of others, because of the criticism from the people around me. I feel most joyful when I’m engaging in these talents. The more I work at them, in ways that put me closer to those dreams, I excel. It’s not just “practice makes perfect”, it’s you were born to do this. It’s as natural to me as breathing and as necessary as air.

I don’t care about this comparison competition. Who cares if I never design my own blog? I don’t anymore. If it happens, cool—exciting, even! I’ve started asking myself why I want certain things; I keep getting hit with “a means to an end” and/or “other people want it for me”. I’m not living for other people.

The 21st century introduces opportunities and options. They keep expanding. I was raised to be afraid of the world, but why? My allergies make me afraid, too.

I’m tired of it. I don’t want to be afraid anymore. I don’t want my fears to hold me back from what makes me glow.

I don’t know where it’s gonna lead me. It’s not something I can make checkpoint blog posts about. I can’t make a list of goals disguised as non-goals so you know what progress I’m making. I don’t know if I’ll die before I achieve my dreams. I’m glad to have been a pollinator in other people’s lives, and that’s adequate for me if that’s all I accomplish in my life. It’s not something I can help you fit into an elegant box or piece together like a puzzle.

Even I don’t know exactly what it is, but I believe in the impossible. I hope for it.

Here’s to whatever it is, wherever it leads me. 🍻 I can’t wait to share it with you.

And all it took was a hand injury. 🙄 Speaking of which, here a pic:

Left hand using thumb spica splint

Please let me know about any typos! This is my usual policy/request/whatevs, but especially now.

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Comments on this post

Jenn @ Bound to Writing’s gravatar

This post was so inspiring. As someone who took the plunge to make my own dreams a reality last year, it’s nice to hear that it’s possible. There are always times of doubt, but something will always come out of it. Thanks for sharing! 🙂

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CG @ Paper Fury’s gravatar

Ohh no that’s awful about your hand! But I LOVE the rest of this post so so much and totally agree. I think being complete and single is amazing. 💛 And also just not feeling crushed into a box of expectations? Like we don’t need that. Humans weren’t all even meant to function the same way, like the same things, or think in the same patterns. We’re not a hive mind! Thank goodness. So I so so relate to this post and I’m glad you’re owning who you are!

(Also thanks so much for stopping by my blog and commenting on my autism post! It was SO lovely to meet you!)

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Jamie’s gravatar

Girl, you’ve got a lot of courage and guts to do what you’re doing and that’s admirable. Society has these issues that have been planted into our minds that our twenties are our prime years and how people should become successful with a job, marriage, and even children. But guess what? There are badasses out there like us who were made to break those rules society made to keep us in check. Honestly, I can’t help but feel we both share a similar trait. We both share the overanalytic skill, which makes us outside of the box thinkers. Because we think outside the box and bend the rules moreso than the rest, we’re considered different. But different is good! Why be like everyone else and have to have become successful in our twenties? Not everyone is going to become successful in their twenties some of us just happens to start later in life.

Im 35 years old and happy doing whatever it is that makes me happy. At the moment, I am two classes away from reaching my associates degree in the field I love, and I will be the first sibling of three sisters who have went to college and actually graduated (my older sister went one semester and dropped out, my younger sister a year and dropped out. I only have two classes left before i get my degree). I feel that everyone has their own definition of what success is. I feel successful at this moment with all I have achieved in life. I feel that at this moment, you’re successful as well with all you’ve achieved in life. Be that rebel or badass who breaks the rules. We badasses needs to do that in order to maintain some level of sanity lol.

I’m sorry to see that you’re in pain because of the carpal tunnel acting up, get this, I too have carpal tunnel but I didn’t have the surgery because I was lucky enough o have saved my wrists by doing exercises for it that later a professor confirmed if your hands get tired just move it or use stress balls. Lol.

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Jane’s gravatar

Hand surgery is really risky, so that’s never been an option for me. I surmise I’d get knee surgery before I got carpal tunnel surgery. There’s also tarsal tunnel syndrome (in the toes), and that’s not an option, either. I use a lot of natural medicine and that helps, to an extent. Carpal tunnel syndrome isn’t about tired hands, though; it’s caused by compression of a major nerve. Stretching hands can help, and stress balls work to an extent, but there’s no cure for it/long-term treatment. Also, stress balls can result in atrophy if you use them too frequently. A doctor suggested it to me as a fix for whenever my CTS acted up, and it led to atrophy-related problems on a daily basis, so I had to stop. Playing with play-dough or silly putty helps a bit, though, because it’s like a stretch.

My current injury is a torn ligament in the purlicue region. It was really gross a week ago; I couldn’t look at it without gagging. Totally needed myself a Callie Torres, but she lives in New York now, tch.

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