Drowning the noise

There’s something about loud music blasting into my ears that is so soothing — so relaxing — even though it can’t (and won’t) truly drown out the noise of reality. My dad was let go at his job. Insurance will last until the end of the month, and I’m going to one more counseling appointment before I don’t have that ability anymore.

Before Grandmama hugged me goodnight, I was crying over losing my therapy sessions. She didn’t realize I wasn’t crying over him losing his job.

I was crying over my problem because I don’t trust myself, and I’m terrified.

Sure, I can just find someone else who I can afford/is free, but it’s not the same. It means starting over. I was making plans to see a psychiatrist — to get a diagnosis, medication, etc. You can’t go into a new office and see about getting diagnosed in a snap. I’ve been seeing my therapist since September. I can’t just start over with someone new and build up trust. I had hope because of therapy, and I was feeling again. I was feeling a lot more than I realized, and I really took advantage of being able to go. Therapy was my hope, literally, and now things just feel so unimportant and pointless again.

And it sucks.

No words are going to be able to accurately portray the way I feel about not being able to go. I found a therapist who fit, and I have never found one who fit in a way that I could put trust into the therapy, sessions and therapist.

And it hurts. It really, really freaking hurts.

I may start a gofundme account, but that feels weird. Because it’s different, and it just feels weird. But people keep offering (and that’s weirder to me), and maybe it might help somewhat. I don’t know.

I’m terrified I’m going to get dark again — Effy from Skins-dark, or 2012-dark — and I don’t think I’ll be able to be “fixed” again if I end up in that place again.

Therapy kept me grounded, but now I don’t have it anymore. It was helping, and now it’s gone. And it’s not like I was doing great or well; I was just doing “okay”, and it was helping me, and I was getting help.

Once again, it feels like I was never meant to be happy.

I can try and try to drown out the noise of not having therapy anymore, but I can’t, and I’m scared, because I don’t trust myself alone, without therapy and without that safe place. In the end, I still feel heartbroken, and noise isn’t inaudible.

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Comments on this post

Robin’s gravatar

I hate that this happened. 🙁 I really think the gofundme might be a good idea. As I said on Twitter, your cause is much better than people who just want extra money for weddings or something.

Kalliste’s gravatar

That really sucks 🙁 Is there anything your therapist can do to help you out? I can’t imagine them willingly letting you go because of a hiccup currently.

April’s gravatar

I hope things will get better for you, Liz. Hopefully your therapist isn’t only in it for the money and will understand the bump that your family has encountered.

Lots of love your way. You will be ok, don’t be afraid.

Sara Healy’s gravatar

What a bummer. I understand very well how much trust is a part of a therapy relationship and also finding the right fit. On the other hand, you do have options.

If your therapist can’t continue with you, perhaps he/she can help you find someone else more affordable. After all, he/she knows you and can assess who might a good fit.

Also, I found this link which may or may not be helpful. You never know. You can check it out and see if it’s current and helpful at all:

http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/finding-therapy

In the meantime, remember how much progress you’ve already made. I know I keep singing the same tune, but you are a strong woman, Liz. You will find someone and you will continue to grow. Don’t stop writing as I feel it gives an important outlet.

I liked what April said “You will be okay, don’t be afraid.” I think those are wise words:~)

Kirsten’s gravatar

Man, that really sucks. It’s been a while since I was in therapy of any kind, but I was when I was in my early and mid twenties. It really does help. I would try and find a way to stick with your therapist no matter what.

I would feel a little weird starting a gofundme account, too, but I have actually seen it working for people for different things; if people are offering to help then why not?

I hope you are able to get what you need.