Give your heart a break

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I am often misunderstood. Lately I haven’t been able to match my thoughts with my actions/words. It’s not my fault, and after this weekend I’m going to try to get everything settled with myself health-wise.

I’m stressed. I can’t take a lot of things right now, but the only reason I leave comments open is because oftentimes I receive quite supportive comments, and they bring me up a little. It may not last long (it doesn’t, actually), but for that short amount of time, I love myself again. It’s nice, loving myself, but then I’m faced with people telling me how I need to love myself but not too much – and it just makes me want to cry. Because no matter what the hell I do, people are judging me. Recently I picked up a blade from my razor. I know, I know… This sounds so weird and bad and horrible and suicidal and all of that jazz, right? But… It was nice to hold. It was comforting, actually, and I know it was most likely a wrong thing to do. But it was comforting because that was something I could use to control my pain from my ovarian cysts1 and everything else hurting me. I’m so sick and tired of hurting and crying and just not caring and/or being able to do anything all of the time.

You know what I find to be super annoying?

  • “When I was your age, …” No, technically you cannot compare that freaking line to me. To be quite honest, I don’t believe that it fits me. I’m 21 going on 31. Also, I don’t find it disrespectful for me to simply tell you I don’t want to hear that and therefore will not listen if you continue to say such a thing. I am an adult, and I have been for a really long time. Don’t believe me? I already have grey hairs growing. It’s called stress, and I have had much more than I should have had in my life thus far.
  • “Well, life ain’t always easy.” NAHHHHHH, REALLY?!!?!? I figured this out a long time ago. Did you figure it out after high school, your first job, etc.? It’s so easy to say that line. And you know what? “It could be easy if you wanted it to be” is complete and utter BS.
  • Anytime I try to be freaking normal for once, I begin to hurt. Recently I have been doubting whether it is a cyst or not. At this point, I feel like it’s something else. Or, hey, if it is a cyst and this bad, then I must really have the worst luck. It’s as if all of my fears are coming to the surface when ours fears are supposed to stay anonymous. We’re supposed to be able to protect ourselves from our fears. But when we’re not stable, we can’t exactly do that.
  • I’m not stable, and I haven’t been for months. This doesn’t mean I’m not working on it. It doesn’t mean I should stop blogging. Not blogging doesn’t help me. It doesn’t mean I should opt out of receiving comments I most likely cannot handle. Even if I probably should do those things, I’m not going to right now. Just know that I cannot control a lot of what I am saying word-wise. I’m having quite a bundle of neurological issues at the moment as well. It takes a lot to make myself believe I’m not crazy, so if you happen to say such a thing, consider yourself blocked.
  • I cannot handle stress, hence the reason I lack a job. For some reason, certain said people seem to think I enjoy being “able” to sit at home in bed all day playing on the computer. Seriously, that is one of themost hilarious things I’ve ever read/heard. See, when I get in pain…
    • I can’t walk because it hurts so much.
    • If I cannot focus on breathing and not throwing up, I’m gonna puke and cry my guts out.
    • Is it possible that you can freeze your insides using an ice pack, even if you’re just using it to numb up the part that hurts most? Just curious… I’m so scared I’m gonna end up doing that…
    • No, I am quite certain it is my heart that hurts. It’s not the same as heartburn.
  • I am allergic to peanut butter, and most other nuts. There are exceptions – odd ones, too.
  • I have typos, and I will probably continue having typos from now on. “Exceptions” becomes “acceptions”, “food” becomes “goof”/”good”/etc.
  • My hallucinations are back. Zombie Mode2 is back, too.

I have to have an MRI before I’ll know exactly what’s going on. This takes lots of money and such, so until then I’m gonna keep blogging and doing whatever I have been doing now.

I also think my problem is that I’m kind of too nice. :L So a lot of people who typically reply to my blogs so very rudely keep coming back. There’s only so many attacks I can take.

Saturday Bri and I are driving to Oklahoma for the family reunion. More details on this either Wednesday or Thursday. I’m also gonna start vlogging again.

Oh, and I still kinda hate my life in case you were wondering.

And for some odd reason, not eating regularly has become an odd obsession again. Eating makes it hurt, and then I have something that I’ll have to see come upstream. …It’s like the time when I threw up the can of mixed fruit. Never will I ever eat one of those again. That was disgusting to see. And it used to be my favorite food, too.

Oh, and don’t worry. I threw the broken razor I accidentally stepped on away.

If only you knew how tired of slouching I am.

  1. The more and more time passes by, the more and more tempting surgery is, even if it means I’ll definitely not be able to have kids unless via adoption.
  2. Zoning out, pretty much.

Sorry, but comments are closed on this post.

Comments on this post

Stephanie’s gravatar

You are indeed very unstable right now, and a lot of people don’t understand what that actually means. When I was unstable, I believe that my typical train of thought was quite different than when I was stable.

It’s possible that you just have a terrible cyst, and I hope that the doctors can figure out what’s wrong after they take the MRI! By the way, if eating hurts, then not eating regularly is a perfectly reasonable thing for you to do. Pain is a little bugger that should just die.

Clarisse’s gravatar

I’m glad you’re feeling a bit better now.

I used to be so paranoid that people were judging me all the time – like I’d be walking around in the mall, and I’d see people whispering, and I’d assume that they would be whispering about me. It was crazy, but it’s sometimes hard not to be paranoid like that when people are just really judgmental in general. :/ It’s not easy to, but it’s much better to just find ways to ignore all nonconstructive criticism.

I don’t know if you’re like this, but I, personally, find it easier to think when I’m thinking out loud. When I’m talking or writing about my thoughts, I find myself understanding my thoughts better than I would just thinking about it in my mind. In that way, I think blogging kind of helps me to organize my thoughts, and maybe it’s helping you too.

Most people that comment here are probably pretty well-meaning, and if they say anything that might hurt you, it probably wouldn’t have been on purpose, but some people tend to judge and judge despite based on incomplete or misunderstood information. Yeah, it’s frustrating. I absolutely hate assumptions made from the wrong bases; it’s kind of one of my biggest pet peeves. It’s hard to ignore, but I try to.

I really hope that your cyst or whatever would be wrong does improve. That alone must be hard enough to deal with, so I especially hope that you feel less stressed or judged eventually.

I know some people are mean, but you just have to try to ignore them, even though it may be hard. Some people just like to feel superior sometimes, and feel like their finding something wrong in what you post and pointing it out would make them so. It’s kind of a human thing, because I know there were lots of times wherein I felt “superior” like that too, but, honestly, that’s all it is – some sort of superiority complex. As much as you can, just don’t mind them.

Georgie’s gravatar

I’ve just been filing through your old posts, and I know that people have been cruel and talking about you behind your back. What I believe is that things should be said to people’s faces, even if they’re mean. It’s just horrid that you would talk behind anyone’s back and not be honest. Being two-faced is worse than telling the truth even if it hurts. That’s how I see it.

Life can’t be easy if you want it to be. A lot of people just don’t understand what other people are going through. Right now, I can’t say I can thoroughly feel what you’re going through but I can understand you’re struggling. The pain you’re going through – you’re completely excused. If it hurts to eat, then you don’t have to. There are times we go through so much or feel so much that the only thing we can do is deal. Sometimes, just dealing with it is painful enough.

I really hope you feel better soon. HUG

Liza’s gravatar

Thanks. <3 hugs back

I don’t know if they have done it recently, and I’m trying really hard not to care/worry about it/etc. It’s just really frustrating and hurtful. 🙁 And it was unfair, because I can’t even say things I don’t quite mean. I don’t know how to explain it.

From now on I’m trying to keep away from people who want/try to bring me down. It’s a bit hard to do online still, though.