Goodbye, 2014

I don’t normally do year in reviews, but I’m going to start it now. My memory isn’t as great as it used to be/could be, and being able to look back might help me, or it might not… whatever. I’ve also somehow picked up new faces, and maybe I posted about something they’re interested in reading, even if it’s from the archives.

Recap

As always, I did loads of ticking people off this year, but I actually started embracing that this year, because I’m not able to not piss people off unless I start censoring myself, but censoring myself is detrimental to my health. I tick people off. I guess that means I bite. Somehow, some people see this as “confidence”, but whether it is or isn’t is actually lost on me. I don’t know what it is, but anyways… ticking people off mostly happened when I was standing up for myself. It feels good to stand up for myself again, and I hope I’ll continue that when and where I mentally and physically can.

I can say, of course, that I did a lot more of “choosing my battles” this year. There’s always going to be someone I’m going to tick off, but that’s not my problem — I can try to learn from it, if such is possible, but I cannot control how one perceives me when I am being myself and not trying to pretend to be something/someone else. If they dislike me because I’m being myself, that’s not my problem, and I don’t have/need to care or worry about it.

This year I’ve begun to accept my mom and I will probably never have a healthy, stable relationship, and her paranoia is not my fault. Again, I can’t change how people perceive me, and really, I am the way I am because of how I was raised. If I had been raised differently, I would have turned out differently. But right now, I’m on my way to really good things, and that’s good… I think things might actually be going well for me. I don’t think about my mom and lard as often as I used to. I think about my siblings often, though.

I guess I never realized just how toxic that life was… Now that I’m away from it, hearing of any drama or mess just wears me out to the point that it surprises me how I was able to deal with it back then. I think that that may have been a large trigger for my depression, too, as accepting the status of my estranged relationship with my mom has caused me to not care as much, thus I don’t think/worry about it as much.

When I was so depressed, I often wondered if she’d care if I killed myself or died, and I hoped the answer would be yes. I mean, I’m her daughter, so I should hope it would be yes, right? I wondered if she’d cry or be sad — something — because deep down, I don’t know if she ever loved me more than the material items I had to offer/give her. I don’t know if my mother loves me, and maybe that breaks some parents’ hearts, but it’s a fact that ate away my energy and emotions. I’ve been in the hospital and had some major health problems and met moments when I really needed her, but she was never there. She wasn’t there when I needed her most, and mothers should be there for their daughters at those kinds of times.

She gave birth to me, but she is nothing more than a biological mother, and unless lard changes or is out of the picture, I’ll never be able to have a positive relationship with her, as he wholeheartedly believes children should be terrified of their parents.

Relevant (and favorite) meaningful post: the letter to my 16-year old self.

This year could have almost been a repeat of 2012. Honestly, I was scared it would be. It almost was. It didn’t start out as well as it could have, either… it was a roller coaster.

Tidbits

  • 27th February 2014, my wisdom teeth were removed. I actually got sick from the antibiotic, which contained lactose as an inactive ingredient — which meant my immune system was weakened, and as a result, I also got a stomach virus, then I got the flu on top of the stomach virus.
  • I went to the butterfly festival again… As of now, I’m officially declaring it a tradition.~
  • I took over the Better Blogger Network, and the deadline for the rebrand launch is 1st February 2015.
  • I have used the same theme for over a year, which is a new record for me. I’ll change it eventually, but it’s going to be a while, as it’s not a huge priority. I’ll most likely hire Georgie again if she’s available/not tired of me yet, because I love how I don’t have to know what I want1, she doesn’t use Genesis, I like her style, and I like working with her.
  • I really miss hanging out with Bri, but I guess that’s not going to change anytime soon. However, this year I found solace in Charlise, and I learned we’re actually a lot alike, and we have blogs together. There’s a really cool natural high I get from knowing someone else in my family blogs and is into blogging, etc.
  • Through helping Charlise with her blog, I’m actually slowly converting to a healthier lifestyle in terms of various small things, starting with RUMPs.
  • Though it took me a year, I have finally finished Flight.
  • I have a new code project to focus on called juggle.
  • After not pixeling for so long, I pixeled again. 😀 My faves are the gals in Santa hats: Santa Hat Pinkhair by poppyfied Santa Hat Purplehair by poppyfied Santa Hat Redhead by poppyfied Santa Hat Brunette by poppyfied Santa Hat Blonde by poppyfied
  • My grandfather died similar to the way my grandmother, Mama Lois, passed. The fact that he’s no longer here is hard. I wanted to make him the enchiladas he loved so much, but I never got to it. 🙁 Blah.
  • Less ashamed of my Asperger’s this year, I started openly writing about it. I’m really passionate about this topic, too, and people who don’t actively read/post blogs don’t realize not all posts were written and scheduled live and/or that bloggers often schedule posts, so my post on autism stigma really stirred the pot with a family member, and coming back from that wasn’t easy. Furthermore, I didn’t realize how hard it would be to read criticism from those who find autism this horrendous thing, so I really wasn’t expecting emails from parents of autistics who are appalled that I would even think to accept my autism, because apparently, being anything but “normal” and embracing what makes you different and any of your flaws is an abomination. Oops.
    • …#sorrynotsorry that I don’t believe autism can be spoken of the same way as allergies or cancer. It’s just not the same, and it never will be.
    • I’m also not sorry for not having any respect for people who seriously think I need to be cured so I can be normal or for the parents who wish their kid(s) weren’t autistic/etc. That’s like me wishing my dad had naturally red hair… it’s just not possible to change it, because that is how he was made.
  • I was really bad at comments this year, but I’m working on getting better at them. All the things that happened made blogging difficult, and I couldn’t take the focus off my dying grandfather without focusing on a movie. I think watching the Big Brother feeds is actually what really helped, because I could watch someone else’s problems instead of my own.
  • I miss Stephanie. 🙁 I know she’ll be back soon, though.
  • I canceled my Netflix subscription. It was just getting too costly for me to keep up with.

Favorites

  • New (to me) artist: Meghan Trainor
  • Scents: Better Homes and Gardens™ Soft Cashmere Amber Scented Wax Cubes (I LOVE soft/warm amber-scented things) and Glade® Lift Off Wax Melts White Tea & Magnolia (Spring Collection).
  • Blog: byRegina
  • Fonts: Droid Serif and Roboto Thin
  • Celebrity crush: (not really a favorite, but) Bill Skarsgård, and we’re engaged, but he doesn’t know it yet. 😉
  • Game: Insaniquarium Deluxe (I just bought it a few days ago), Virtual Villagers, and Sims 3
  • Musical: Frozen, Cry Baby
  • New series: Finding Carter, How to Get Away with Murder

That’s my year. Tomorrow, I’ll greet 2015 and share more info on my projects, small plans, and more. c:

I know I’m late in posting this. I shouldn’t be again. No promises, though. :p

  1. Many people say people shouldn’t go to designers without knowing what they want, but I’ve done it and have yet to be disappointed, and she doesn’t seem to mind, so… (Personally, I find being able to go to a designer and letting them loose is a pro, not a con, especially if they are still able to implement your personality into the mix.)

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Comments on this post

Crystal’s gravatar

I try to live by, “Life is too short to waste on you.”

I can empathize with a lot of this. I have bipolar disorder, and I come from a very toxic family. My mother was one of the few people I was close to, but she passed when I was 15. My dad was not involved, and he died the same year he tried. I have always tried to be a shoulder to people, because I have never really had one. So, if you ever want to talk…

I lucked out, and have a wonderful husband and son now to make new memories with. If I had jumped out of the boat, I would have really missed out. Things tend to work out if you don’t give up, or expect too much too soon. 🙂

I’m glad I found your blog this year. /cookie

Nancy’s gravatar

Sometimes, it’s not worth censoring yourself so that people don’t get mad. I have a lot of “unpopular opinions” and if people are going to disagree and get pissy over it, let them! Definitely be yourself and you’re you.

I’m glad that you took charge of BBN and you’re making something out of it! As well as other projects you have ;). And you’re pretty good at pixeling! I’m so bad at it, I don’t even want to start on square 1 *o*. And yes!!! You don’t need to use genesis to have a responsive site :).

I’m sorry to hear your grandfather passed :(. That’s the hardest thing to face in life; there’s always what-if possibilities but we make do with what we have and time too. I miss Stephanie too! I know she’s doing well, (and hopefully be back!).

Happy New Year, Liz! Hope 2015 will be a fun-packed year for you ;D.

Robin’s gravatar

Your feelings toward your mother are completely understandable. While she may have given birth to you, we don’t ask to be given birth to.

Liz’s gravatar

True, true. c:

Stephanie’s gravatar

Aww… I did not know that I would be so missed! At the moment, I’m not sure whether or not I’ll come back, and in what form I’ll come back, but it depends on how my life goes and who I’ll have to report as “foreign contact” once I get my security clearance. (I’m still a blog stalker! I just don’t comment as much as I used to.)

As someone who is possibly a mild aspie, I find that some of the quirks that it may bring makes it easier for me to be a good person. I don’t need someone watching me (God included) to do the right thing. I don’t desire great wealth; just a simple life. I’m easily excited by little things – which means that I smile more often. Sure, some things that are easy for normal people are harder for me, but I’m a thinking functional person, and that’s all that should matter!

May 2015 be a great year for you! I know that you’ve come a long way in your life, and you’ve got farther still to go.

Liz’s gravatar

Security clearance D; Blah.

I do hope you come back, though! :3

I hope 2015 is a great year for you as well. <3