I missed a day.
I guess it’s ridiculous that it happened since I logged in and all. I think I’m supposed to care, but I don’t. I don’t really care. I think I’m supposed to be upset with myself, but I can’t afford to be upset with myself. Too much crap keeps happening to me. I’m the Queen of Bad Luck – any and almost all bad things can and will happen to me. Don’t think something bad will happen? Better not jinx it, because it most likely will happen. …and then, even if you don’t jinx it or someone says, “Oh, don’t worry, blah, blah, blah,” and “___ won’t happen.” -.- Um… Let’s fast forward two weeks… IT HAPPENED.
Late July and early this month I had an epiphany. It started with my blogging pet peeves. I really have a talent when it comes to ticking people off. I always say the wrong thing, word it wrongly, struggle so much with putting my thoughts into words and thus make it appear differently/wrongly to others, do the wrong thing and so on.
I take critiques on my website, but I don’t change it. I even state that I’ll take a critique but won’t follow their advice/orders/etc. in said threads/discussions because I’m quite happy with this theme and have had no complaints thus far. They also don’t like it when I reply with a “thanks” or something similar and/or just don’t respond at all (because I forget about it) so they decide they need to email me and CAPS me a message And/Or Every Single Word Which, To Be Honest, I Find To Be Even More Difficult – And You Should Know That This Not Only Takes Even Longer To Type Out What You Wish To Type, But In My Opinion It Makes You Look Stupid/Childish/Etc. In The End. And Even More Importantly: I Bet You Your One Of Those People Who Can’t Wrap They’re Heads Around Which Is The Proper Way To Use Your vs. You’re And/Or They’re/There/Their. Am I Right? Yeah, this paragraph’s probably going to piss some people off, too. Oh – and apparently people confuse maybe and may be. Seriously? Ugh.
I could never be an English teacher. I’d have a high failure rate because I wouldn’t let anything fly, just saying. Math would be a better one for me. …although if they spell wrong for worded math explanations… That’s a different story. It makes them look bad when they’re adults. …Another topic for another time…
Anyway, I also tick bloggers off. Did you know I’m quite wonderful at this? Like, seriously. And for message boards, I don’t even know whether I bug the administrators because I’m not on a lot.
Or if I say “Be the change you wish to see in the world” is my motto to some guy who ended up being obsessed with me all because I said, “I like you; you’re a great friend,”1 and he got all mad in the end of all of that crap and yelled, “BY THE WAY, YOU DIDN’T MAKE THAT QUOTE UP. GANDHI DID.” …Gandhi may have said it first, but I lived a very sheltered life. I still don’t even know who he was and/or what he did to be so famous.
As far as I know, I did make it up in my head. I dreamt about it, actually. And hey, if having a past life is by any chance real, I was an Indian princess whose father was killed by another tribe and was set up to marry an Indian from my tribe who only wanted to marry me to protect me from everyone who was trying to kill me. …Maybe this is why arranged marriages don’t seem to be too horrible to me?
[spoiler /Some small background info on this/ /Got it/]
I have the dream practically all of the time. This man is someone I believe to in some way be my guardian angel, because I’ll see him – literally. Yet, people think I’m crazy. I’ll sometimes see him standing at my door. I don’t have to speak to him with words; it’s like he can read my mind. I have Indian in me apparently from both my mom’s and my dad’s side of the family. Cherokee, I think it is. Personally I think the dream would make a lovely prose piece. Maybe I’ll share it some day. It was more common in Wills Point/Van Zandt County, which has a lot of Indian history, but not many people know about that.[/spoiler]
I also laugh and/or say/do/etc. various things at inappropriate times. It just happens; I can’t help it. Those with their stupid commenting etiquette use death as an example, and usually goes something like:
For example, you wouldn’t make a joke about something else the blogger mentioned in a post that also includes the death of their grandmother. That’s just rude.
Uh… Yes, I would. It seems like it’s rude to others who are not me, but they’re not thinking like me. I’ve had to fake happiness the majority of my life and show little to no emotion. Think Kristen Stewart – but I really don’t understand her personality altogether. She has her pretty moments, but I just feel like she’s someone who likes to be saved by knights in shining armor. It’s all I know – laughing at something/finding something to laugh about. It’s really hard to break it, especially when I don’t even notice it. It’s like my tics: I don’t notice them. I don’t notice I’m shaking my leg when I’m sitting in a chair that allows my feet to touch the floor at least barely or when I’m just…moving in general. There’s a difference between doing it on purpose and not even noticing. When you don’t notice it and you keep doing it, that’s a tic. However, I don’t believe that trying to find something from someone’s blog post to smile about is “rude”. I crack jokes; I can’t be sorry because that’s me and who I am – when you go through hell and back, you try to find stupid things to do and/or laugh about to keep you alive, because crying all the time just makes you want to die – and if I feel like I have to apologize for who I am, I get to a point where I just don’t want to be here anymore, where I’d rather die.
And you know what? A huge part of me feels like my mom and lard deserve to have that fear – the fear that I’m dead. Because I want to know so badly how they would react, whether either of them would actually care, if they would actually have some sort of feeling. That’s all I’d like to know. Deep, deep down I don’t want to die, as in if I sit and ponder it for a while, I won’t really want to die. It’s not such an impulse feeling anymore to where I’ll just keep driving straight instead of turning around the bend in the road and drive straight into some trees and have a wreck. If I did, I wouldn’t want to die in such a way that there was no way of saving me or no way of someone finding me ever. I’m lost already; what’s the point in dying lost and alone? That doesn’t mean I trust myself enough to drive on my own again. Not many people understand that. I can’t drive right now not because of anxiety but mostly because I don’t trust myself to not turn my truck around and approach oncoming traffic because of my anxiety. It’s not because I want freaking attention or anything. I just don’t trust myself. In the driver’s handbook I have from 2010 it specifically says that if you feel uncomfortable driving, you shouldn’t drive. So? I don’t drive.
Anyway, in conclusion, I know I tick people off simply because I don’t react a certain way. I can’t. I’ve seen a lot of things I didn’t want to see – once you see something it cannot become unseen just like you cannot take back something you said. Sure, you could always block things out, but you don’t get to choose what your mind decides to block out and not block out – that is the unfair part.
I also have premonitions, but I don’t like to. My dad knows, and he suggested writing them down and even mentioned that there was a guy who had premonitions as well. He didn’t think I was crazy. I’ve written about it once for creative writing and I’ve blogged about it once on 6birds [somewhere]. Other than that, I don’t think I’ve told anyone else offline. I told him sometime in or after 2007 but before I graduated because it wouldn’t stop. Feels weird – like déjà vu.
[spoiler /Can I comment with something religious?/ /Never mind./]
If you want to get religious on me, maybe God’s trying to tell me something that I still can’t figure out. If you think it’s something demonic, don’t freaking express your feelings about such. Depending on my mood, I may block you.2 You can join lard in the corner on a stool with a large DUNCE hat.[/spoiler]
Oh, hey. I’m most likely going to be ticking off more people with this post. Perhaps I should be a witch and just embrace it all. I tick people off no matter what I do – when I rant, when I ramble, when I’m sad, when I’m being logical… do I need to go on with this list, or do you get the point?
If I had continued my online presence as an anonymous persona I would go by another name and blog about [almost] everything I wanted to blog about. I wouldn’t have to worry about people I knew offline knowing/finding this blog if I didn’t give said URL to them. I’d probably curse when I’m angry. You know what else? I’d also probably be liked more.
[spoiler /Another Random Incident/ /Close/]
I joined some forum a year or so ago and so did a friend of mine. Apparently having the same URL meant that I’d made a second account to compete in contests, etc. after I messaged the owner something because she, well. She was a bit rude. >.> More than likely one of those girls in high school who were all that, blah, blah, blah. Anyway, I left, and she banned my account. My friend stayed, and the owner was horrible to her – accusing her of being me, etc., so I eventually sent the witch an email with a screen shot of her Facebook profile, not revealing too much. “Oh… I’m sorry, I just thought it was you and you were lying…” …No? Your forum wasn’t fun, anyway. We had to agree with you or else you disliked us.[/spoiler]
So… you’re welcome. This was/is my two-day rant. I’m not upset for missing one day of BEDA. I had it open, but it didn’t feel right, so I decided to try to blog later. When I realized I’d totally forgotten it was midnight, and I wrote the first four lines of this post, but I couldn’t find the words to finish it. And I’m fine.
But I just needed to rant, and get this out there. It’s really random, but I just needed to open my bottle of feelings and release some of them into the world. That’s all. I’m probably going to tick people off with this.
I watched The Hunger Games this morning shortly after midnight. I’m a lot like Katniss in a way. I’m surprised. I was watching the movie, and the entire time, I’m just like, “She’s exactly like me… WHO DID THIS…” I might even read the book now that the movie wasn’t about trying to win food for their home districts. …Didn’t know they actually died. o.o …And after watching the movie, I’m a fan of it, and I cannot wait for the next movie!
Unfortunately I chew3 on my headphones, and I chewed too hard during one of the scenes. Now my headphones only work in the left headphone. 🙁 I could buy one for a dollar at the dollar store even though they don’t last more than a month (not chewing on them, promise). I think they’re like $10 elsewhere. P:
- And he never had a girlfriend and he was all like, “So I’ve never done this before. Should we hold hands, should we kiss, when’s our first date?” Um, dude, I had a boyfriend at that time. ↩
- To save a certain person the time in tweeting about it, I shouldn’t have to censor myself on my own blog because of the fact that I get trolls who feel the need to be bullies. There’s a difference between being closed-minded and __________phobic and being open-minded and not interested in being (once again) told that I should “rot in hell”. ↩
- Tic. ↩