Hothouse Flower

I feel like I’m moving in reverse — that I was born a baby who grew into a woman, who then started growing into a teenager, and eventually became this possibly childlike being who still has the common sense and wisdom of [close to] a successful woman. I feel like the rewind button has been pressed, and I can’t figure out how to stop it so that I can make it go forward again.

And I’m back to feeling like I need approval for anything and everything again. Last year, I told myself I wasn’t going to do that; I was going to try my very best to not feel the need to have approval for things. And because I fell back into that need-for-approval-that-brings-acceptance pit, I’ve lost control of myself again and started letting the points of views of others affect me.

And I’m not happy. I’m not going to be doing that as long as I can help it. I’m tired of feeling as though I need to be accepted. I already struggle with fitting in, even in the blogging world, because of all of the crap that happens to me. I’m tired of going in reverse, because it’s eating me away. I’m tired of people I cut from my life finding their way back into it. If I cut you out and you want to wobble your way back into it somehow, then be my guest. My life, my point of view, my fucking blog, my laptop, my family, my emails, my social media accounts, my secret to unveil.

And that’s okay. I don’t need acceptance in order to do what I want to do. I don’t need to be told I’m good enough to be your friend if I’m not your friend, or that you doesn’t mind my health. I don’t need to be told that you think I have an advantage in society because I have these disorders and whatnot and have more love than I do hate. I don’t need to be told those things only because you want me to believe that you accept me. Because words are simply minuscule voices in comparison to actions and whatnot.

Feeling like I need to be accepted? That creates a potion of rage and anger and frustration and hate that continues to boil below my skin.

I’ve hit the “I don’t care” checkpoint. And I’m calling checkmate. I’m not succumbing to the temptation of being a hothouse flower even though it’s much less complex and stressful in a greenhouse.

(Song starts at 3:30)

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Comments on this post

Hiro’s gravatar

I’ve always wished there were a button in my head that I could press to stop caring and stop feeling for a bit so I can get some peace and quiet. 🙁
Hope you can get out of the loop.

Alice’s gravatar

I hope this doesn’t sound too sarcastic to the point of being offensive but.. welcome to the junction of “i don’t care” attitude. through this entry, i feel like i see my thoughts talking to me in person, like they just took some kind of physical form to make themselves stand out. what i’m trying to say is, i like and respect your decision. sometimes you just have to go “idgaf” about whatever really to…i don’t know, “free” yourself.

at least it’s what i’m doing nowadays. not caring, and not giving a damn about others’ pov and their words. and let say they all think i’m selfish, arrogant, etc… i’d probably just laugh and say i never meant to breathe for them. i personally think a person will think she’s good enough if she thinks she’s good enough and there’s no need for sugarcoated words from others. i knew i hate pretty words though, they just sicken me so.. *shrug*
point is, i applaud you for this determination. i respect it, really. (i hope i didn’t screw up my words there)

Stephanie’s gravatar

You definitely don’t need approval for everything! Your life is not the corporate world or a government office. Sometimes, it’s better to ask for forgiveness rather than permission, but, I think that you are a morally grounded person who knows right from wrong from the sketchy world in between right and wrong. If you are comfortable with something, then it’s probably okay.

Also, if whoever is bothering you ever comes near me, I’m ready to punch him for you! 😛 (He should feel lucky we’re all too far away to unleash his fury back at him!)

Adrienne’s gravatar

Hey Liz,

I may not be feeling like you are at the moment but I’ve kicked a lot of friends out of my life and for darn good reasons. Every darn single one of them have wanted back in but you know what I said! I kicked you out for a reason.

Several of them got really upset with me because they felt they deserved a second chance and for the most part they’re right. I think everyone deserves a second chance but when I know with everything that I am that nothing will change I really don’t care to waste my time.

Do I have an issue with shutting that door for good! Hell no and girl, I have absolutely no regrets either. As you said, it’s my life and I’ll do with it what I want so there.

Hang in there Liz.