I think I’ve officially gone mad.

For the past few months, I’ve slowly started to despise 6birds again. I’m currently in the process of getting up a side blog where I’ll post things as if I’m blogging that do not fit in on my blog. And Chyrp is being horrid. It’s not installing right, and that is making me want to cry.

I’m starting to feel like I can’t do anything right again. My tics are acting up, my thoughts are all colliding with each other and causing various reactions, I can’t think clearly again, I feel trapped… I feel like my mind is a cage. Not thinking about things only makes it worse, whatever it is. I don’t know what it is, but I feel like it’s always with me. And I can’t escape. I’m trapped. I’m trapped in my mind, and I can’t seem to escape it, and I can’t think, and I can’t concentrate. And it just keeps repeating itself, this thing that keeps happening to me. It goes away for a few months, but then it comes back. And when it comes back, it hits so much worse, and it hurts. It hurts because I feel like I’m losing my mind and those in my offline life just think that this is how I’ve always been. And maybe it is, but what if this thing that is happening to me is something bigger than I can’t even wrap my mind around?

And I want to cry. I want to cry because it’s the only way I can express how I feel without having to think. Because this time it has hit, it has hit me harder than anything ever has before, and my depression and PTSD and anxiety and TS are all acting up, and I can’t suppress any of it. And it’s embarrassing and frustrating and difficult AND I WANT TO SCREAM. And I lack the energy to scream and cry and try to fight against it because these tics are wearing me out and soaking up all of my energy, and I feel like I can’t do anything right.

So maybe I’m losing it. I can’t even type out correct words. “And” turns into “compress” and “cry” turns into “rose” and “difficult” turns into “soar”. I can’t concentrate, and my mind is back to not matching with my actions. I’m thinking one thing, but I’m doing another. And I try and try to fix it, to control it. And again and again after I try, I can’t control it. Not this time. Because it’s worse. And I don’t know what’s wrong with me. And I want help, but I can’t even sign myself up for it. Because my brain won’t match my actions, and my actions don’t match my brain until moments later. I don’t know what I’m doing instead until I’ve already done it.

I get up to go into the kitchen for a water bottle, and I instead go into the bathroom to use the toilet. And I don’t realize until I’m there. And it’s been gradually increasing since the beginning of July.

And maybe I’m officially crazy. Because maybe “crazy” does exist.

And I was keeping quiet, but holding it in takes too much energy.

And I lack tears to shed. I’ve run out.

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Comments on this post

Rusty’s gravatar

<33333

It sounds tough, but staying positive is something I've learned is maybe more important than anything else I could do. It's hard to do sometimes, especially when you feel like you're all alone and there's no one to turn to. I always try and focus really hard on one task in particular, and then move onto the next one. I create lists to make sure I don't forget to do something, and then get irritated with myself later for forgetting about it.

I really hope you start feeling better! Chin up!

Leanne’s gravatar

Aw liz!
I know how you feel, sometimes you wish you can be done with this mental and emotional bull hit but it keeps coming back. It sucks but it’s okay and normal. You can’t expect to get rid of something you’ve festered up for more than 20 years. A few things I do which sometimes work if I’m not too far down yet are: take deep breaths; talk to someone; endulge into what you enjoy doing- whether that’s sketching, reading or knitting or playing sport.

Hope you’re feeling better x

Kristina’s gravatar

I can’t pretend to know what you are going through. Bipolar does run in my family (my mother, sister, and several other not so close members), but so far I’ve gotten lucky (if it can be looked at that way). I asked my mother once what it felt like. She said it was extremely hard to describe. She said you literally feel like you are going crazy, that nothing makes sense, but makes sense all at once and everything and one is out to get you.

Anyways, I thought I would say hello since you stopped by my own personal blog. And I also agree with Leanne on her advice, which I realize is not always easy to follow when you are feeling pent up and spent. But I do hope you feel better <3