I’m a mess.
I stopped taking “the pill”. The side effects were getting to be so severe that breathing was an unbearable activity – as well as moving about, etc. If it comes up in question, I’ll just say that it was getting to where I couldn’t breathe anymore. I’m still suffering from a headache, and I just took some acetaminophen for it. I haven’t eaten today. I’m not hungry. That’s another thing – this pill made me not want to eat. It was like I had an eating disorder all over again1, but all because of a pill. I know I should eat, but I just really don’t want to. I’ve mostly just been eating dinner. I’m used to eating just dinner.
I feel bad because I haven’t been out of this room yet today, but it’s one of those days to where I can’t really handle being around people. I’m such a mess, and I just can’t handle it. But I’m also used to being alone, so… sigh I’m used to having to entertain myself. I started to draw trees earlier, but I recently changed it to my “hands” tracing thing. Most of my art-related things consist of sketches (or traces) like these.
Actually, Grandmama decided it was time to help me with this room – to get it organized and whatnot. Although I don’t think I would have had a choice, it was much less traumatic for me than when Mimi has helped2 me in the past – mostly because things are still out and about. I’ve turned My Melodies into a photoblog/meme blog/thing because I wanted it to be like that in the beginning, but I was so GFSJHFKJDKDS with 6birds – and once again, I am, but I also try to keep my posts on there a bit more general – so it didn’t happen right off the bat. Also, I still know where everything is, so my photographic memory is not shot. …And I was feeling so nervous and anxious about this as soon as she mentioned it – like I was going to have a panic attack – and I couldn’t seem to think of any excuse. She did ask if I wanted lunch/was hungry for it, but I wasn’t going to fake that and make my body ache over some food whilst this pill completely exits my body.3
I really haven’t been able to word things right lately, so my previous posts haven’t really received the right kind of feedback they probably could have received. P:
UGH. It’s my fault, though, because I can’t think clearly. Half the time I don’t even know what I’m saying anymore or why I’m saying it. I don’t have friends because I can never remember their names/faces.
[spoiler /Meh/ /Close/]
I tried searching earlier for what Charan had mentioned yesterday, but I don’t know if Metrocare Services is what she was talking about. It sounds really similar to what it was. Only this one has a cost, and the one she was talking about lacks that. It seemed more like a research facility/thing. There are other places, though. Just can’t find one like hers on the list, hence why I think it’s the one listed above.My biggest fear is just that I’m crazy, and I’m always going to be like this.
I don’t think I’ve mentioned that Alzheimer’s runs in my family. Yeah, apparently you can get it at a young age. The people who have gotten it on said side of the family have gotten it at an early age. I talked about it to Charan yesterday – the first time I’ve ever mentioned anything about it – and how I was told that I’m supposed to get an MRI as soon as possible specifically for that. And that’s when it became real. Who knew saying something aloud made something much more real? I found myself crying between 2 and 4am today; I’m guessing it was because of that.
I’m twenty-one, I supposedly have symptoms… 50 First Dates is going to be the story of my life. Why me?
And all these months, all I can think about is how much scarier the AD is to me than the lung cancer scare was.
I need to quit blogging about depressive crap.
How are you? That’s all I want most in a comment. Please?
- Not going into details. ↩
- Helped as in just cleaned/organized it when I wasn’t there, which means just throwing things into places to “hide them”. For her, she finds that “less is more”, and neither Mimi nor Bebe found the “Cha, cha, cha… Charmin!” comment related to their “less is more” statement. I mentioned it was on a commercial a few years back, but still nothing. I can’t find the exact commercial, though. :L ↩
- Talking to Charan yesterday/the other day made me feel a little better about not taking it anymore. I’m so sick and tired of feeling one thousand times worse than I was feeling before, so I didn’t take my dose last night, and I definitely won’t be taking it today. ↩