I’m going.

After crying for about two and a half hours this morning (starting at 7) I signed onto Facebook for the first time in about two weeks and messaged my aunt, Charan.

I’m also going to be trying to get on some antidepressants/anti-anxiety medication sooner than sometime in June (which isn’t even promised). As Stephanie had mentioned in a comment somewhere, I may even be able to receive some sort of… Well, I don’t remember what she’d said, but I only remembered this because Aunt Charan brought up how me being diagnosed with these things might allow me to qualify for some insurances and some benefit program/thing since I’m unemployed and have a diagnosis [for all of this crap].

She was extremely comforting, and she even asked me if she could talk to Grandmama (her mom; my grandmother; dad’s side of the family) about [not all, but] some of the things that I told her and that are going on with me right now. It meant a lot that she asked; she is the first person who has asked.

To be honest, I always feel like people expect me to be perfect and in different ways. On my mom’s side1, it’s all about the money and materialistic things and doing things for YOU and blah, blah, blah. On my dad’s side2, it’s all about being happy and successful, but I also thought it was also about having zero flaws and/or following everyone’s “perfect plan”. It’s not like that at all. She told me that it’s okay to cry; that it’s okay that I can’t control my emotions; that it’s okay that I’m so exhausted and weak and so on.

It’s just been really hard. I didn’t ask for them to tell me, “Hey, you are doing ____ because you have ______. You can’t control it, but treatment can help,” BUT THEN, “We can’t get you in until June. Sorry.”

  1. He is supposedly a great doctor.
  2. He is always busy.
  3. He is known as extremely uptight and/or lacking patience.
  4. If you happen to be slightly late (exactly on time is considered late), you are required to pay a $60 fee (or higher… $60…$90… the room was loud), and he won’t see you again. Actually, no one at said doctor’s office will see you.

And I’m just supposed to be okay and act like I’m fine that I have all of these problems – that everything can “go back to normal”. I told the psychiatrist a while back that I had a support system at home. I lied. I just wanted to believe it, ya know?

I may go stay with Grandmama for a while in the Garland/Richardson area. There’s not going to be any rushing because it’s also not expected that I’ll go from “fine” or “okay” to “great” and “awesome” overnight. The neighborhood is in the city (ahh), but it’s a quiet, peaceful and personal neighborhood where everyone keeps their houses looking nice (on the outside, at least)  and does their own thing.

I’m going to apologize for ranting to you all about my problems and whatnot on my blogs. I did it because I thought I didn’t have anyone to turn to for hope and who would listen to me without judging me and/or lecturing me afterward. I just needed someone to listen – to be there for me – and I felt as though writing about it simply forced some people to have to “listen” even if they didn’t want to.

I’m not on medication yet, but I will be soon. Later this year I will have an MRI thing (because of my memory problems and the fact that my head was hit about three to four years back against the back of a seat during a wreck3 – which could cause my memory problems, apparently). It doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, though, because how are they supposed to know about your memory from an MRI? Unless we have a particular section in our brains for memory.

I really hope that those who were involved can (and will) forgive me for anything offensive/rude I said, and possibly whatever could have embarrassed me.

Anyway, I’m sorry you saw me in some of my worst moments. I’m just in a situation where people are pushing me to do things, and it’s causing my PTSD to go all over the place (with my mom and them shooting their damn guns and all; I keep picturing my head as the target4. …I need to not remember this.

I came up with something. I don’t know if it really qualifies for a quote or not, but after talking to my Aunt Charan, all I could think of was a dark tunnel and its sides being the people – and the people being the hope. I figured it fit me well because my parents are divorced, therefore my “one, big, happy family” is split. I’ve always held in my feelings and everything else. I didn’t know how to find hope or how to get it, or even where to look.

At the end of every dark tunnel is an opening, but inside of every dark tunnel are sides of hope. You just have to reach out and touch the right side in the right place. It’ll take a lot of trial and error, but once you find that hope, that’s the side you need to spend more time on; that’s the side hope is on.

Perhaps conversations won’t revolve around how I am “making everything worse”, am “not normal and need to quit acting sad”, “need to be happy”, “need to be more affectionate”, “need to find a job to be ‘normal'” and/or “use more ‘regular’ words”…

…which reminds me: Do you guys use any of these? If not, what’s wrong with them?

[spoiler /Show/ /Close/]

  • Indeed not
  • Shalt
  • Whilst
  • Withstand/withheld
  • Anon (means ‘later’)
  • Fie (means ‘a curse’)
  • Wherefore
  • Abate
  • Accite
  • Summon
  • Acknow
  • Anight
  • Contrary
  • Ancient
  • Swell


I don’t know when it will be. We’re still talking about it.

  1. My mom; 3 sibs: Isaac, Pat, Carrie; step dad Lard, Mimi, Bebe, Shane, etc.
  2. My dad; 2 sibs: Ruby and my unborn baby BROTHER (YES, it’s a BOY); step mom Kim; Grandmama; Aunt Charan; cousin Bri (BriAnn); others that may or may not be mentioned later on.
  3. Texting whilst driving a kid named G.B. was; I was in the backseat.
  4. Wouldn’t be the first time.

Sorry, but comments are closed on this post.

Comments on this post

Stephanie’s gravatar

Hey! I’m very happy for you! 😀 I’m glad that there’s someone in your family who is very supportive!

Don’t worry to much about ranting to us when you need to rant. We’re your friends too, and friends listen to one another, even if only through the internet. I never thought that you were a burden, nor did I ever think that you we annoying. I’ve learned a lot from reading your entries, so you can feel good knowing that you’ve educated some of us out here.

Liza’s gravatar

@Stephanie, Thanks. <3

Meh, I still feel like I’m being annoying and/or people think I want them to feel sorry for me. I don’t want them to feel sorry for me; I’m just ranting and expressing my thoughts. I suppose that’s why I had my ‘secret blog’, even though I’ve not updated it lately. I may make a new one later on. /pacing

Or, I may just post my Wreck This Journal activities on one of my blogs & write about why I wrecked it in such a way and hope that works.

Some of the emails I’d received inferred that I was annoying everyone. P:

Hyeoni’s gravatar

@Liza, what I don’t get is, if people take the time to say your blog annoys you, they obviously read your post. …. WHY are they reading it in the first place? And why waste their own time telling you?
People are very stupid and illogical that way Liza, loool. 😀

Liza’s gravatar

@Hyeoni, I figured that. I know visitors read my blog at their own discretion. But when you’re so vulnerable, it’s so difficult.

Julia’s gravatar

Its always great for someone in your family to be supportive. 🙂 It always help. Anti depressant pills help a lot. Good luck on getting them.

I do not know you. I’m Julia by the way. But you did not say any thing rude or offensive. You are just ranting. We all need to rant at times.

Liza’s gravatar

@Julia, Unless you read my previous blogs/comments, you can’t really base my ranting and ravings and whatnot on just this post. P: I’ve hid all my other rantings on my health for the most part. /moody /hmf

Nice to meet you, though. 🙂

Hyeoni’s gravatar

Hey there Liza, while I was reading this post, I thought this book might help you out.
It is called “Magnificent Mind at Any Age,” by Daniel G. Amen, MD.
It’s about our brains. How to achieve a healthy brain.
Explains how people with psychological disorders can overcome and rise to the top.
It is very inspirational and warm because he understands and states that, “If you are not successful, then you are lazy, willful, or need an attitude adjustment. Look at me. If I can do it, you can too.” He is completely against that popular notion. No, he states, that is not right. If our brain is in trouble, then you have trouble in your life. Needless to say, with this book, I think everybody has some sort of imbalance in our brain. (me included O.o…er no doubt about it actually).
I was able to diagnose myself specifically what I have and it was refreshing to be finally able to connect because what I have, it was really hard to diagnose and thought it was just me… In his book, you’ll fine several different types of depression, several different types of ADHD (I actually researched ADHD for a project and I never ran into more than two different types of ADHD, this book lists SIX facepalm), and etc. etc.

According to his book, any little trauma to the head can cause/aggravate psychological problems, therefore the memory problem could very well be caused by that accident.
And you do sound like your brain is imbalanced. So I’m glad that you are getting help and have supportive people around you. And this is YOUR blog, who cares what you write? 🙂