In which I wonder WHAT I am doing

I do.

I have more so recently.

I typically change the theme when I lose motivation to blog.

Unfortunately, my phone is so screwed up and old that I’ve had to buy a new phone sooner than I had expected. I wanted one last year, but having to quit my job due to my health caused me to have to wait until I could afford such. A little over a year later, it is today, and I just spent $102.83 on a $49.99 phone that was my third choice1, the $45 plan and the $7.84 tax.

My phone is dead, thus I cannot order the theme I desperately want for 6birds that I finally brainstormed to its fullest potential until I can actually somewhat afford it again. I suppose that the bright side of this bad luck I constantly have is that I actually know what I want theme-wise for 6birds 3.0. It will be a huge change for me, and it will be way out of my comfort zone.

But that’s kind of what I am aiming for.

Wednesday night at the Princeton July 4th Spectacular, I helped Bri out with the Relay For Life booth. The passing out of the flyers was definitely not something in my comfort zone. I didn’t like that, and I hate being told to “get used to it”. I hate that line. I hate it with a passion. Bri said that to me when I told her I kept being turned away from and told no and whatnot. I had already had an asthma attack that night, and my allergies were really getting to me.

That wasn’t for me. That’s not my thing. I don’t do that, because it’s too out of my comfort zone for me to enjoy it. That’s why I have Abuse Aloud online. I know I want to take it further, but my main goal is to raise a lot of awareness via the Internet, then somehow reach out to people offline. If you start people talking about something online, they’ll sometimes bring it offline and talk about it away from the Internet.

I feel like I was doing the wrong thing on Wednesday. I know I was doing something good for a cause, but that was the wrong thing for me. And I realized that whilst I was doing it. Raising awareness and whatnot offline in a park isn’t for me. Raising awareness via another’s terms of conduct and not my own isn’t for me. It’s just not my thing. It felt so wrong to me, because I felt like I was lying to myself. I like the work that people don’t think about — what it takes to make a webpage, what it takes to design pretty flyers, what it takes to photograph a crisp leaf, etc.

I really hate lying to myself, and I despise people.

I wasn’t doing me; I was doing what someone else wanted me to be; I was pretending to be an extrovert when I’m clearly an introvert.

But with that experience, I was able to realize that I’m still not comfortable with defining myself out loud like I’d thought. I realized I still am upset with myself because I do not know exactly who I am. I realized that I’m okay with change, but to an extent. Changing my blog’s theme to something I never really sought to be my “thing” is a huge change, a challenge and one of the biggest changes I’ll make in my life since it’s so different from what I’m used to having/being able to have.

And I realized that I’m okay if people find my opinions on change and my “thing” to be the way the are rather ridiculous. I’m okay with it, because it’s something they don’t understand. And they may never understand it.

Relay is Bri’s thing; I’ll continue to help her, but I’m mostly gonna stick to my thing. We’re not in grade school anymore pretending like we’re Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, wearing matching clothes and acting out dance routines and the Olsen twins’ movies. We’re two cousins who are seven months apart in age who grew up in two extremely different home situations, and our views of the world both mesh well and attack one another. We have our own things.

I learned that I’m happier when I’m myself.

  1. The phones I had in mind kept being taken off the site… In stores, they’re twice-to-three times as much.

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Comments on this post

Alice’s gravatar

It really is hard, pretending to be an extrovert when you’re an introvert :/ Interacting people can be pretty terrifying. I think it’s important for Bri, and everyone else offline in your life, to understand that your comfort zone is only so limited and you should be the one to decide when you want to go out of it, and how big it is, and everything else having to do with your being comfortable because only you know!!

Looking forward to seeing the new theme 😀 And I hope the relay goes well, too.

Regan’s gravatar

I’m sorry you were stuck doing something you were uncomfortable with but I think working out what it was and why and knowing what to do about it is pretty big – especially as you were able to work out what it WAS that you wanted to do instead, so you should totally be proud of yourself for that 🙂

The Dose of Reality’s gravatar

I’m always happier when I’m myself, too. I’m an introvert like you, and there’s nothing wrong with that!

J.T.’s gravatar

It’s good you realize that some things just aren’t for everybody. I had to learn that as well. Everyone has their strengths and weaknesses. I really like to sing but… I don’t think I’d be the next American Idol. haha. ;p

Your abuse aloud site is very informative. I hope it reaches out to as many people as possible.

Liv’s gravatar

A few weeks ago I spilled water on my phone and I feared having to spend a lot of money to replace it, when I can get a free iPhone 4 in November. Luckily my phone was okay. I’m sorry you had to spend all that money for a phone you could have gotten for less.

How much do you pay for blog themes? I’m curious as to what is going on in the world of custom theme designs.

I hate it when people say “get used to it” or “get over it.” That’s like throwing me into the ocean and saying get over that cold! Or making you eat something you’re allergic to and saying get used to it! Okay maybe not that dramatic. You should stick to your thing because you are living for yourself, not someone else. Don’t be afraid if people think you are ridiculous, they’re ridiculous if they think you are. ^/_^

Stephanie’s gravatar

I’m actually glad that you got out of your comfort zone a bit! I find that I learn the most when I’m uncomfortable, and that’s okay. I find that there are times to force yourself out of your comfort zone and that there are times to stay in it. This Relay for Life event was definitely a time to get yourself a bit uncomfortable. Other future opportunities similar to this one will probably be times to stay within your own zone.

It takes a lot of people with lots of different skills to make any organization function. Nothing wrong with doing the introverted things! It’s totally necessary.