In which I wonder WHAT I am doing
I have more so recently.
I typically change the theme when I lose motivation to blog.
Unfortunately, my phone is so screwed up and old that I’ve had to buy a new phone sooner than I had expected. I wanted one last year, but having to quit my job due to my health caused me to have to wait until I could afford such. A little over a year later, it is today, and I just spent $102.83 on a $49.99 phone that was my third choice1, the $45 plan and the $7.84 tax.
My phone is dead, thus I cannot order the theme I desperately want for 6birds that I finally brainstormed to its fullest potential until I can actually somewhat afford it again. I suppose that the bright side of this bad luck I constantly have is that I actually know what I want theme-wise for 6birds 3.0. It will be a huge change for me, and it will be way out of my comfort zone.
But that’s kind of what I am aiming for.
Wednesday night at the Princeton July 4th Spectacular, I helped Bri out with the Relay For Life booth. The passing out of the flyers was definitely not something in my comfort zone. I didn’t like that, and I hate being told to “get used to it”. I hate that line. I hate it with a passion. Bri said that to me when I told her I kept being turned away from and told no and whatnot. I had already had an asthma attack that night, and my allergies were really getting to me.
That wasn’t for me. That’s not my thing. I don’t do that, because it’s too out of my comfort zone for me to enjoy it. That’s why I have Abuse Aloud online. I know I want to take it further, but my main goal is to raise a lot of awareness via the Internet, then somehow reach out to people offline. If you start people talking about something online, they’ll sometimes bring it offline and talk about it away from the Internet.
I feel like I was doing the wrong thing on Wednesday. I know I was doing something good for a cause, but that was the wrong thing for me. And I realized that whilst I was doing it. Raising awareness and whatnot offline in a park isn’t for me. Raising awareness via another’s terms of conduct and not my own isn’t for me. It’s just not my thing. It felt so wrong to me, because I felt like I was lying to myself. I like the work that people don’t think about — what it takes to make a webpage, what it takes to design pretty flyers, what it takes to photograph a crisp leaf, etc.
I really hate lying to myself, and I despise people.
I wasn’t doing me; I was doing what someone else wanted me to be; I was pretending to be an extrovert when I’m clearly an introvert.
But with that experience, I was able to realize that I’m still not comfortable with defining myself out loud like I’d thought. I realized I still am upset with myself because I do not know exactly who I am. I realized that I’m okay with change, but to an extent. Changing my blog’s theme to something I never really sought to be my “thing” is a huge change, a challenge and one of the biggest changes I’ll make in my life since it’s so different from what I’m used to having/being able to have.
And I realized that I’m okay if people find my opinions on change and my “thing” to be the way the are rather ridiculous. I’m okay with it, because it’s something they don’t understand. And they may never understand it.
Relay is Bri’s thing; I’ll continue to help her, but I’m mostly gonna stick to my thing. We’re not in grade school anymore pretending like we’re Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, wearing matching clothes and acting out dance routines and the Olsen twins’ movies. We’re two cousins who are seven months apart in age who grew up in two extremely different home situations, and our views of the world both mesh well and attack one another. We have our own things.
I learned that I’m happier when I’m myself.
- The phones I had in mind kept being taken off the site… In stores, they’re twice-to-three times as much. ↩