Jane Lately: July-September 2018

This quarter consisted of a lot of self-reflecting. I’m always saying I feel like I’ve grown up a lot, but I really mean it this time in new ways.

A month ago, I was hospitalized for chest and abdominal pain, and dehydration and malnutrition. It was a giant wake-up call that my eating disorder of self-starvation wasn’t working anymore and that I couldn’t do recovery alone. Everyday since is a continuous battle I’m taking one at a time. I thought I could live with all my vices but this one gone, but apparently you can’t pick and choose which part of you to keep with the idea that your body will just…learn to follow.

I call my eating disorder “Edna”. She started in my youth, because I soon learned I wasn’t allowed to express myself outwardly and directed everything I felt inward—including pain. She’s been with me through everything—from my stepfather’s abuse to mean girls in adulthood. Now, she’s out in the open. I’m emotional and angry, and I can’t just exercise my demons away anymore. 😭

I’ve got people in my life who don’t understand eating disorders—namely why anyone would starve themselves and “choose” not to eat—criticizing my choice to stop restricting foods entirely (aside from what triggers anaphylaxis, ’cause that’s a legit non-negotiable) and halt exercising. However, I’ve been at this for about a month and a half now, and…my bones don’t crack when I walk anymore. My joints don’t make me worry whether this use of them will be my last; I don’t feel like my legs are nearly breaking as I walk.

Thus, I know, because I know my body, that I’m not doing the wrong thing. I think, if I hadn’t stopped, I’d have continued to be engaging in my vice…and I can’t risk that, because I believed I wasn’t going to come home from the hospital. I thought, This is it…

It’s painful to go at this battle every single day, it’s painful having to instead channel my desire to exercise through watching other people engage in physical activities (dance movies, for instance)—but it’s not as painful as what I endured before, when I felt like my body was dying because my greatest vice wasn’t working anymore.

The “help” I’m getting is borderline half-assed, in that I’m on limited insurance and cannot afford the privilege of receiving proper treatment, but I feel like even getting to at least a quasi-recovering state until I can afford it is better than feeding Edna and killing myself slowly.

Last quarter’s goings-on

  1. My phone, Tahlia, died. I put off getting a new one until Charlise gave me her son’s ’cause his grades were crap. I’m on her plan, ’cause it’s cheaper than what I’ve been able to find. Why is it that family plans are cheaper?? Ugh. #SinglePeopleProblems
  2. I injured my left hand thumb quite badly, bought a brace from Vive Health, and stopped lollygagging about taking care of my body. As with anything, it’s definitely a progress. I did kinda bring this on myself. #BeCarefulWhatYouPrayFor 🤣
  3. September 1st I had to go to the ER. It was a wake-up call for me RE: eating disorder and my inability to recover alone. I can’t afford to half-ass recovery anymore, but I know I want to live more than I want to die of starvation, so…motivation? (Today, at least.)
  4. My oral regime currently includes peppermint Earthpaste and Brush with Bamboo. I quite like the toothbrush more than I was expecting!
  5. Janepedia got reorganized again. My depression and PTSD posts have been moved into #mentalhealth. I’m reorganizing Janepedia to downsize it a bit, then going to downsize more of my projects. As I get older, those other website projects matter less than how they once did. I find myself wanting to dedicate that time elsewhere.
  6. I started a new, serious project slated to soft launch in 2019. It’s not exactly a secret, I’m just not flaunting it about. Initially, it was going to be something I kept quiet about but there’s no point in being all hush-hush if I’m not gonna do it anonymously. It’s not a meta blog, but it is a business that sort of revolves around blogging. I’m excited. It’s fun. 😊
  7. Quarter 4 is starting off with a clean(ish) room! In a utopia, my room would also be organized, but whatever. I’m not even bothered! I don’t know how long I’ll keep the cleanliness up, but it definitely does wonders for my creativity. As for the ish, it’s a work-in-progress type of clean. ☑️
  8. Stress is at the top of my “no” list, an imaginary list of things I can’t handle right now. 🙅‍♀️ I’m scared—of vomiting like I did last month, but also of the horrendous chest pain I had. The hospital kept wanting to pass it off as my need to pass a bowel movement, but it seems that the less stressed I am, the less my chest hurts in general? So I really think it has to do with stress and my heart having had too much in my life already.

Books


Who knows what next quarter holds? 🤷

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