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I got curious. First I was going to look back at my archives and see what I had blogged about exactly one year ago. Unfortunately I didn’t blog on the 6th of April, thus meaning I lack an entry for said date! This is (obviously) frustrating for me, because I was going to write about it for BEDA. /moody However, I did give the titles of my posts from last year during the spring a quick scan, and you know what? Maybe this whole depression thing is just something that happens yearly around this time. Maybe it’s all of those December holidays and dramas as well as the early onset spring allergies that form. But if I suffer from PTSD, then could it be my mind remembering something that not even I can put my finger on? I don’t know of anything that happened around this time, really. I mean, in 2007 I was working at Sonic for 60+ per week with some not-so-great things going on at home. Gee, maybe I really do need a counselor/therapist? I’ve heard about this thing called ‘talk therapy’, but I don’t for sure know what it is. At the moment I am too lazy to research it. I’m guessing it’s simply that: talk therapy.
My posts vary, and they were quite detailed/personal. When I was writing them I had doubts about them even being able to be called ‘personal’, but now looking back at them, I see the personalness. For example, I’ve talked about my exes and dating, Todd being gone to Todd coming back home and my fear of governmental authority figures1. April was when things really got bad and began going down. 🙁 I don’t to sound/seem horrible or bring anyone down or anything, but that just makes me feel really hopeless. I mean, is it even any bit of possible for me to actually recover and stay better/okay, or am I just dreaming all of this to bits?
I still feel like what I do mostly disappoints people. I don’t want to quit my job, but I also know that I need some time for myself. Sure, I have my days off but I can’t exactly explain what is going on to them without literally having to explain my personal life to them – and I’ve never been big on sharing my feelings and/or talking about things like that to people, especially to employers. I don’t want any special treatment or anything of the sort. I know for a fact that I need to work on this and get better so I will be better in the long run. All the flowers going on at work don’t really help my allergies any, and the stress/pressure to be absolutely perfect is taking its toll on me. I know I’m not supposed to let it get to me, but I’m weak; I’m vulnerable. I seriously cannot deal with any of that right now.
I might start making video diaries and posting them later on my YouTube. If I do, support would be wonderful. Maybe it will help me get better or something.
Then there is the whole self-confidence thing that I lack as well. Yeah, yeah, people don’t really like to know that. Ya know what? Who cares? I don’t mean to sound horrendous, but I need to take care of me (and again, I really hate how I’m having to give up a job in order to do so).
- I was betrayed by them in the past. ↩