In Exhibit A, we have my new theme song:
1. I’m really not feeling the monthly updates anymore.
I tried it again, and I’ve just…it feels like a chore that’s nothing more than a waste of time. I spent a week in February in Ben Wheeler, but beyond that I’ve been in excruciating pain due to random, ridiculous health-related issues—apparently the state following the weak, dizziness I go into because of hypoglycemic-related issues is spells of debilitating weakness and pain. The only way to resolve it—which I wasn’t aware of until the day after I ate a batch of brownies—is to consume more sugar than I’ve ever dreamt of.
Not exactly the kind of thing I want to be remembering in detail, you know? I also don’t know anyone who’d want to read it. I used to think I’d be into reading this kind of thing, but then I also just assumed people in recovery from self-starvation were exaggerating about the pain; I rolled my eyes—which I’m obviously no longer doing.
Low blood sugar seemed to weaken my immune system, so now I’m sick with a cold and sinus and what feels like everything going around lately. Then, apparently, being weak—but also being stubborn by trying to not actually be weak because I often feel obligated to be able-bodied despite any disabilities thanks to inspiration porn—means that my carpal tunnel syndrome is going to flare up. On top of all of this mumbo-jumbo, it hit 20 degrees Fahrenheit and has been a furious mix of burning hot and freezing cold—classic Texas weather.
And I’d honestly rather spend my time doing things other than remembering the pain or trying to be optimistic when—let’s face it—I’m not. I’m a freaking realist, and I’m not gonna wrap my life into perfectly packaged present with a double ribbon forming a bow in the center.
2. I’ve also been feeling wordless lately.
I feel like I have something I want to post, get as far as opening my blog’s dashboard, and that’s where it ends. Being sick and having a weird beginning to my birth month has thrown me for a loop. I’ve been expressing myself in other, more pressing ways…and reading web comics. My writing desires are pulling me back to novel writing, so my creativity has been focused there—although my primary focus is on coding projects. I have a few, to be disclosed at a later date.
I’m not into blogging about anything just to churn out something so I can say I’ve posted somewhat consistently. I’ve not felt social much, either. My head is occupied, though, with concerns which take higher priority—and, to me, writing fiction has given me the chance to share truths from my past that I’d never work up the courage to share as completely nonfiction—at least not whilst certain people are still alive, because they could stir up shit.
Perhaps…I’m so fed up with familial drama that stirs up when I express myself/am myself because of generalizations that I’m escaping into what brings me solace. All I know is, I get really into writing my redhead’s story when drama floats up, and the rest of her band members—because hello, they’re totally badass and fight drama like Taylor Swift. It’s cathartic.
3. I haven’t even kept in touch with many people since January.
To give you an idea.
I’ve visited with family, sure, but in other words…my priorities have not been comments or emails or social notifications.
In fact, I’ve been focused on this game called Merge Dragons (friend code:
OEMIVKUV), especially during the events. Sometimes I just need to be alone for a bit, so I can recollect myself and all that jazz. Plus, nonfiction drama is something I try to avoid. 😉
I’ve been focusing on ME. During this time, I’ve realized how much I relied on other people for approval despite my belief in not needing anyone’s permission to be who or what or however I am. Worrying about how other people felt—this used to consume my time and thoughts, so much so that I’d compromise crucial parts of myself to please them, so as to keep them happy. But I don’t have to be paranoid about other people’s feelings. I don’t have to care. And maybe this makes me a bitch, but I don’t care—I consider it self-preservation. I tore myself apart, and let others do the same, just so I wouldn’t disappoint them. In doing so, none of them got to know the real me. They see a version of me that I’m now struggling to correct. They think they see me, but it’s all so fucking messy to the point that—no matter how hard I try to explain it—they don’t understand. Because I’m perceived as in the wrong, regardless of reason, and owing them something—credit, recognition, gratitude, etc.
I can’t fucking generalize shit without stirring up crap.
It took a dramatic episode of A Day in the Life of Jane Lawson for me to realize this.
It also made me realize how I don’t give a fuck. It’s exhausting to force myself to care about things the former hyper-aware me used to care about. I didn’t realize that I didn’t have to care so much about these things.
That’s not the kind of life I want to live, wherein real-life drama hits me so bad that I get physically sick. I knew I couldn’t handle the stress, but now I have zero tolerance for it.
4. Links lately~
This Degrassi discussion thread almost makes up for Netflix potentially killing Degrassi—almost.
ALSO ALSO ALSO. If you decide to play (or already play) Merge Dragons (available on Google Play Store and iTunes), my friend code is
‘Til next time.