like fire and rain

I feel as though my body hates me. Or, to be more specific: my brain hates me. Is that not what makes anxiety spiral out of control? I am a very timely person, you all know that. Tonight I felt extremely trapped at work. I did not want to get into trouble and leave (even though I was supposed to have gotten off at eight), but I stayed until 9 anyway just to avoid getting into trouble. The entire hour I was staying extra, I just wanted to burst into tears. All I could think about was how I had not prepared myself to stay that extra hour. I felt extremely uncomfortable, and for once I felt happy that my last day is on the 19th (thanks to my two-week notice).

There is an ‘Open Door Policy’, where you can apparently talk about what is wrong and whatnot without being retaliated against, or something like that. That kind of thing does not work for me. It requires talking about feelings, Thing 1 I dislike, and it requires being open, Thing 2 I dislike. Whenever I bring up any sort of an issue, I feel like I am being a burden, and I cannot stand that feeling. It does not make me feel better, either. Tonight I felt like they thought I was lying… or something. And I just really wanted to cry.

I can’t even describe how much I wanted to cry. It was like I didn’t have a choice. I have to prepare myself mentally in order to deal with things, especially right now. Otherwise, my control starts to fall out of place. I was exhausted, my allergies were crazy and my anxiety was all over the place.

As soon as I was off the clock and out of the building, I quickly headed to the lane I was parked at and cried on the way to my truck. My chest hurt like Hell, and I just wanted to get home and be alone. I felt claustrophobic.

I suppose, though, that on the bright side I think I saw the guy I blogged about a few days ago when I was staring into space whilst handling my last customer for the night. I noticed something moving, and whatdoyaknow – he was looking right. at. me. Whoops.

I know, I know. I’m such a creeper. D: But I’m desperate, okay? Gimme a break. I just want a friend. And he was nice. I’m not girlfriend material, so no worries. No boyfriend for Liza anytime soon.

I guess that if I don’t see him in my line again before my last day (which I have off, by the way), then life definitely dislikes me.

Maybe getting what I want really can’t ever happen. P: Unless we run into each other grocery shopping or… something. pleasepleaseplease.1

This is me, in case you were wondering what my footnote is about. -.-

Maybe it’s my extremely low self-esteem and/or my lack of confidence I currently suffer from (yes, SUFFER). Either way, here it is.

That’s the most recent one I have at zee moment. …that I actually somewhat like. >.>

…and I look 546787489468 times worse when I am working.

Whether he meant it or not, he looked youngish but not too youngish, so maybe he and I can be friends.

Don’t burst my bubble.

  1. You know, if you had seen him, you’d be in the same freaking boat I am right now about him. His eyes were perfect. Guys that look like that don’t usually make comments like that to ladies who look like me. Anything can happen, right? 🙁 Please say yes…

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Comments on this post

Nancy’s gravatar

Sometimes, things happen that causes us to be stressed out about really little things. All of this is just temporary, it’s not like you’re sticking to this job for the rest of your life. You have other opportunities and you’ll find it one day :)!

You never know what goes on until you go and find out for yourself. Your mind’s playing tricks on you, causing paranoia. But Liz, things will get better, slowly. It doesn’t happen by itself, you have to help it to help yourself :D. You know that already.

For now, boys are like museums. Look, but don’t touch. You got this down :)! You look gorgeous too ;D

Relay for Life happens all across the country since it’s through the American Cancer Society… Unless they also sponsor it worldwide :O! (Too lazy to check XD)

Liz’s gravatar

I quit my job.

The depressive/stressed feelings isn’t ‘temporary’. Depression is a disease; an illness.

Deanna’s gravatar

I hate days when you are at work but feel like crying. I’ve definitely had days like that.

Liz’s gravatar

It’s nothing like that at ALL.

Stephanie’s gravatar

As a student counselor at my school with a little bit of training, I would rather someone take up all my time ranting and spilling their guts at me than know that they have troubles and aren’t telling me. I probably won’t notice if you have troubles inside if you don’t tell me, but I’d not have to hear that you imploded later on. And no, you’re not a burden. People need a support network with other people – as long as you are there for someone else when they have troubles (in the future, after your depression lessens a bit), you’re definitely not a burden.

Let’s hope that the guy comes to talk to you again. 😉 I find that some of my favorite people are not the most physically beautiful, so maybe he is smart enough to know that there are girls who don’t look like superstars (like you and me) but are awesome nevertheless.

After reading the comments on this page, I can see why you said that you might close comments for a while on your next post. I’ll just leave a virtual hug (hug), and a virtual Easter Bunny =(:-3 (okay, I’m bad at emoticons) to cuddle with. I hope that you had a happy Easter!

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