like fire and rain
I feel as though my body hates me. Or, to be more specific: my brain hates me. Is that not what makes anxiety spiral out of control? I am a very timely person, you all know that. Tonight I felt extremely trapped at work. I did not want to get into trouble and leave (even though I was supposed to have gotten off at eight), but I stayed until 9 anyway just to avoid getting into trouble. The entire hour I was staying extra, I just wanted to burst into tears. All I could think about was how I had not prepared myself to stay that extra hour. I felt extremely uncomfortable, and for once I felt happy that my last day is on the 19th (thanks to my two-week notice).
There is an ‘Open Door Policy’, where you can apparently talk about what is wrong and whatnot without being retaliated against, or something like that. That kind of thing does not work for me. It requires talking about feelings, Thing 1 I dislike, and it requires being open, Thing 2 I dislike. Whenever I bring up any sort of an issue, I feel like I am being a burden, and I cannot stand that feeling. It does not make me feel better, either. Tonight I felt like they thought I was lying… or something. And I just really wanted to cry.
I can’t even describe how much I wanted to cry. It was like I didn’t have a choice. I have to prepare myself mentally in order to deal with things, especially right now. Otherwise, my control starts to fall out of place. I was exhausted, my allergies were crazy and my anxiety was all over the place.
As soon as I was off the clock and out of the building, I quickly headed to the lane I was parked at and cried on the way to my truck. My chest hurt like Hell, and I just wanted to get home and be alone. I felt claustrophobic.
I suppose, though, that on the bright side I think I saw the guy I blogged about a few days ago when I was staring into space whilst handling my last customer for the night. I noticed something moving, and whatdoyaknow – he was looking right. at. me. Whoops.
I know, I know. I’m such a creeper. D: But I’m desperate, okay? Gimme a break. I just want a friend. And he was nice. I’m not girlfriend material, so no worries. No boyfriend for Liza anytime soon.
I guess that if I don’t see him in my line again before my last day (which I have off, by the way), then life definitely dislikes me.
Maybe getting what I want really can’t ever happen. P: Unless we run into each other grocery shopping or… something. pleasepleaseplease.1
This is me, in case you were wondering what my footnote is about. -.-
Maybe it’s my extremely low self-esteem and/or my lack of confidence I currently suffer from (yes, SUFFER). Either way, here it is.
That’s the most recent one I have at zee moment. …that I actually somewhat like. >.>
…and I look 546787489468 times worse when I am working.
Whether he meant it or not, he looked youngish but not too youngish, so maybe he and I can be friends.
Don’t burst my bubble.
- You know, if you had seen him, you’d be in the same freaking boat I am right now about him. His eyes were perfect. Guys that look like that don’t usually make comments like that to ladies who look like me. Anything can happen, right? 🙁 Please say yes… ↩