Every single day, I feel the pressure to fit in. I know my limits. When I try to assert them as my reason for not pushing beyond them, I’m met with statements regarding my laziness and refusal to not anything for others. My disabilities become pedestrian excuses, whereas anyone else’s inability is a serious concern. Why are mine so different?
I’m typing this post with my right hand. My left hand sits atop a turquoise-colored washcloth surrounding an ice pack. I awoke two hours ago, but already I’m exhausted. Is this my lesson, for not asserting myself adequately? Or is it a lesson for my critics, who approach my disabilities with a double standard—an expectation for me to be able to do everything imaginable, even though no one can do everything?
Before bed, I teared up. The latter—a lesson of proof—seems more plausible for my life, but why should it come to that? Why do people need to see proof in order to belief something such as this? Why is the assumption always that I’m lying about my health conditions, when I have memory and obvious symptoms? They all just pick apart the symptoms and ridicule me for them like I’m making them up. If my diagnoses were snakes, they’d have all been bitten over and over by now.
It’s always out in the open, but because it’s me—who I sometimes wonder if all they see in me is my mom, who they think is nothing like themselves—they’re blinded.
I have to overdo myself—push way beyond my limits even though I feel the warning signs—to try to be enough for them, and it’s still not enough.
I think I’m more injured by and sick to my stomach over that than I am the actual injury
This quote chimes in every time I’m pressured, making me doubt myself:
You read a few things online and suddenly think you’re equipped to diagnose yourself. […] I’ve had experience with clinically diagnosed individuals and have had extensive training on working with them and teaching them.
This mentality of I-know-better-because-of-my-training/experience/whatever is so—I don’t know anymore.
All I know is how over the superiority complex I am. I’m criticized by people who are supposed to love me because I’m different and don’t care about what others will think—and the need to prove myself and how I’m not exaggerating or being melodramatic hurts the most.
I do want to disclaim that this situation was not directly associated with proving myself, but…isn’t that always a concern? I’m surrounded by people who give me the impression that I’m inadequate or inferior because I “won’t do” something, regardless of how it’s more than I can’t do something. I felt the warnings, I stated the warnings, but I should have insisted and just stopped. It’s just that when you’re constantly criticized for something you can’t do, you start to wonder if they’re right. Maybe it’s me I wanted to prove it to this time.
Edit 7/23: I failed to mention the injury: I have carpal tunnel syndrome. Due to overuse, a ligament in my hand, circa my thumb, tore.