Maybe it’s the roast for dinner earlier this week. Maybe it’s the sudden change in the weather. Maybe it’s because I cuddled and snuggled all up in my blankets since the weather change. Maybe it’s because some things feel nostalgic, like when I’m snuggled up in bed and propped against the pillows with my laptop in front of me whilst I watch a movie.
Either way, I’m losing time. I’m losing the sense of reality and unable to distinguish which is which. It’s constantly going back and forth in my mind, and then I find myself having many epiphanies regarding the same thing: When did I get here? Have I been daydreaming or something? Did I know I was really here — in the present? How long was I “out”? But if I was “out”, where was I really? Didn’t I do this already? What was I doing again?
It takes a lot of energy to keep myself in the present. Any smell, feeling, taste, sight and sound can knock me back onto the trail of dissociation and cause me to become out of touch with what’s real. That’s when I have all fragments of myself in my head arguing over who should take over. It’s so exhausting.
It’s why I haven’t text messaged, Kik messaged and/or commented back a lot lately. It’s Friday, 18th October 2013, but it feels like it’s 2011, 2010, and so on. The weather and my actions make me feel like I’m in Wills Point living on the farm again, but my eyes are telling me differently. My head isn’t matching what I’m seeing. And it’s so exhausting. I keep thinking that if I walk out the front door that I’ll see a long, narrow and curvy driveway and that if I walk out the back door that I’ll see the lots and the old barn and the red cattle trailer.
And this is a snippet of what’s in my head on a daily basis.