Sunny with a chance of meltdowns

HostClearly recently had a quick server change for various emergency reasons. As a result, though I didn’t have to change name servers, I did have to change my mail servers, thus if you emailed me through a site-related email and received an error/I have yet to reply, please email me again. With that said, the new servers are more secure. 🙂

As I vaguely mentioned in a previous entry, I had to change my allergy lifestyle blog from That Jane Girl to avoid infringing on anyone’s turf. I think it’s for the best, though, because I’ve grown to like my new blog name a lot more, and it also feels all food-y, having “dash” in there and all.

I’ll explain more about it sometime in January after I tie up a few loose ends, but I’m really glad it’s open and wanted to share that?

I also wanted to explain why I really ditched Liz and Code and dropped many coding projects altogether. To put it simply: Every error I run into increases my chances of a meltdown. Once I have one meltdown, another one may follow soon after.

Meltdowns suck; they’re a lot like depression, but I feel like they’re also a bit worse? When I’m experiencing depression during its finest hour, I just want to curl up under my covers and stay in bed all day, either sleeping or staring at the wall. When I’m experiencing a meltdown, I want to throw and break and smash everything in my way—all to escape something dangerous. I feel like everything and everyone is literally out to get me, the stigma created by Autism $peaks rains down and breaks my umbrella, every problem that arises makes me feel as if I am pointless and a waste of human existence—it feels like the world is ending and I’m in a room where the walls are literally closing in on me. I hear everything—from the natural ambiance noise around me to the sound of my phone charging—and cannot stop it. I’m in sensory overload, and everything is just getting louder and louder, and I can’t figure out whether crying, screaming or sleeping will resolve it.

Every ounce of control I once had over myself is gone in an instant.

That is what a meltdown feels like. This is the thing I don’t let a lot of people see because I’m scared they’ll judge me for it, but I’m sharing it now, because I’m really tired of people [somehow] emphasizing with the parents and thinking the kids are just throwing temper-tantrums. (Um, I know what those are, and I will admit to when I have them; I have Tourette Syndrome and can tell the fucking difference between a tantrum and a meltdown. They are extremely different, thank you very much.)

A lot of actual tears and sweat and blood went into the making of Flight, which is the same reason I dropped it.

You can’t tell a person with a meltdown things are okay; they’re not okay, and telling us this only 1) reminds us there is no one else in our lives who understands this hell we are enduring and 2) makes everything worse, because your words are only triggers. We don’t have control over this; don’t you think we’d stop the commotion if we could?! It’s pure agony; it hurts worse than an ovarian cyst.

I performed a major hack through a child theme of Flato, though I was unable to remove the mishap Flato creates in the dashboard. I tried to fix it, but soon gave up. Next, I spent ten hours trying to get the damn theme to display a category list on posts whether they have more than one category or not; by default, Flato only displays a category list on posts with two or more categories attached to them.

Time after time, it continued to not display the categories despite the category count; each time what I tried didn’t work was a catalyst. Eventually, I became so upset I bit the space between my index finger and thumb on the back of my left hand, and after I pulled back (because ow!), I realised I would have drawn blood if I went any further. The dent into the skin from the bite is finally barely there.

In case you’re wondering, I tweeted when it happened:

I don’t code much anymore. I’m sorry to anyone I owed projects to, but the meltdowns were simply not worth it and make me hate it. If I really needed to, I could make myself a theme—I just require the ability to use a parent theme, despite my disinterest in them as a whole, because it equates to less stress and [typically] errors.

I really love life more when I don’t have meltdowns. I also don’t always have something I can bite nearby. I have a minky “wetbag”, which is really soft, and feeling that calms me down. I’m actually on the lookout for a subtle, easy-on-the-eyes minky fabric pattern I can have made into a weighted blanket, because then it’d be the best of both worlds. XD

Anyway, my allergy lifestyle blog is finally together and all that jazz. My goal is a post per week. 😀 Changing sucked, but on the bright side, it forced me to make some blog changes I needed to make anyway. (Yoast…is…GONE.)

I have pretty stellar plans for it and aim for it to be a blog helpful to those with tons of allergies. I haven’t seen anything like it before, so…that’s cool? But I’m also hoping it will allow me to connect with others who have a handful of odd allergies, because I think it would be fun to share our knowledge with each other—and secretly hope someone out there has all this stuff sorted out, because I sure as hell don’t. 😛

My goal for the theme was edgy/electric-y/grungy goodness with a dash of color, but I’m not sure I achieved that. I just wanted to quickly finish it. 🙂

I also grabbed a lot of tips from my latest #girlcrush, Melissa Cassera, and learned how I can add my personality into my blog more, so I’m excited to try that. 😀 is where the party is at. 🙂

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Comments on this post

Kya’s gravatar

I am glad that you are happy with the name change. It would have been really bad if it caused any issue later (with the old name) so now you don’t have anything to worry about. 😀

Sometimes you do have to let projects go. If they cause you too much stress or meltdowns that are not worth it!

I wish you the very best with your blog and hope that you can meet other people through it. <3

(It looks awesome. :D)

Liz’s gravatar

Thanks! <3 I’m also finding it gives me time for other things I thought I didn’t have time for.

(I was nervous, tbh.)

Tess’s gravatar

Oh goodness I feel all too well what you’re going through! There was a period of time where I dedicated myself to coding as well only to feel the frustration and on the brink of multiple meltdowns. It kept me up from sleeping, eating and even socializing.
Realizing where your energy should be focused does a lot of wonders, and I’m really looking forward to your next endeavour. Your own personality into your blog will be a fascinating journey! 🙂