Things I miss offline
1. I miss my cat.
I really miss Todd. He’s happy, and he lives with Mimi, but it’s still not the same as being able to wake up, walk outside and feel his fur caressing my bare leg as I stand on the wooden porch in the backyard. Nothing is the same. I miss him. He made me happy; he made me whole.
I also miss the other animals… I try not to think about what may have happened to Ranger, as she went into the woods and never came back. I miss the horses and the smells of their feeds, the smell of the hay when it’s dry and the smell of the hay after it’s rained…
2. I miss my siblings.
I’m not talking about Ruby and Ezra, as I saw them on Friday. Although I do miss them, I miss the ones on my mom’s side much more. To be honest, I think my mom likes to hurt me. I think she sees me being separated from my siblings as punishment and me not caring. They will always know I love them. Love conquers all. I know Cody hates me, and that’s fine. I can’t stop him from thinking what he wants. However, I know Christopher and Mary still love me. I know they miss me. Lust can’t stop that. All the lust for power and control in the world can’t keep that apart.
3. I miss my friends.
I miss being able to be myself around people and hanging out. I miss middle school and high school because I miss my friends, but I don’t miss the life I had during that moment because I was practically a two-faced student who smiled by day (at school) and cried by night (after school). When at my dad’s after being with my mom, it was a difficult transition. It’s hard to go from constantly being controlled to having freedom. I’m still having trouble.
I just miss my friends. I have Bri, who is my cousin and therefore more than just a friend. However, the allergy portion of me is difficult around Bri. “Haha, you’re lying. You’re so not allergic.” But I am. Yet I had a roll anyway, and the cinnamon dip stuff, which makes at least 4 allergens I digested Friday. Now I’m in bed with a sore throat, watery/itchy eyes and a stuffy/runny nose — and I started with a sore throat that day. 😡
4. I miss not caring.
I miss being able to be a free spirit. Now I have to worry about getting better so I can get a job and go to school and drive. Why can’t I get better for me, so I can live life as a person instead of as a zombie?
5. I miss having money to spend.
It’s rather difficult to have money to spend without having a job. And I can’t work anywhere because then I get stressed out and more anxiety. I also can’t handle people, my allergies are shit, and I feel like last year is practically repeating itself: I can’t problem solve, I can’t use the right words, and my brain just isn’t working properly… even my reflexes are off. 😡 I don’t know how to explain it. 🙁 Also, I’m still really annoyed with my tics.
6. I miss me.
That’s simple enough, right?