Things I miss offline

1. I miss my cat.

I really miss Todd. He’s happy, and he lives with Mimi, but it’s still not the same as being able to wake up, walk outside and feel his fur caressing my bare leg as I stand on the wooden porch in the backyard. Nothing is the same. I miss him. He made me happy; he made me whole.

I also miss the other animals… I try not to think about what may have happened to Ranger, as she went into the woods and never came back. I miss the horses and the smells of their feeds, the smell of the hay when it’s dry and the smell of the hay after it’s rained…

2. I miss my siblings.

I’m not talking about Ruby and Ezra, as I saw them on Friday. Although I do miss them, I miss the ones on my mom’s side much more. To be honest, I think my mom likes to hurt me. I think she sees me being separated from my siblings as punishment and me not caring. They will always know I love them. Love conquers all. I know Cody hates me, and that’s fine. I can’t stop him from thinking what he wants. However, I know Christopher and Mary still love me. I know they miss me. Lust can’t stop that. All the lust for power and control in the world can’t keep that apart.

3. I miss my friends.

I miss being able to be myself around people and hanging out. I miss middle school and high school because I miss my friends, but I don’t miss the life I had during that moment because I was practically a two-faced student who smiled by day (at school) and cried by night (after school). When at my dad’s after being with my mom, it was a difficult transition. It’s hard to go from constantly being controlled to having freedom. I’m still having trouble.

I just miss my friends. I have Bri, who is my cousin and therefore more than just a friend. However, the allergy portion of me is difficult around Bri. “Haha, you’re lying. You’re so not allergic.” But I am. Yet I had a roll anyway, and the cinnamon dip stuff, which makes at least 4 allergens I digested Friday. Now I’m in bed with a sore throat, watery/itchy eyes and a stuffy/runny nose — and I started with a sore throat that day. 😡

4. I miss not caring.

I miss being able to be a free spirit. Now I have to worry about getting better so I can get a job and go to school and drive. Why can’t I get better for me, so I can live life as a person instead of as a zombie?

5. I miss having money to spend.

It’s rather difficult to have money to spend without having a job. And I can’t work anywhere because then I get stressed out and more anxiety. I also can’t handle people, my allergies are shit, and I feel like last year is practically repeating itself: I can’t problem solve, I can’t use the right words, and my brain just isn’t working properly… even my reflexes are off. 😡 I don’t know how to explain it. 🙁 Also, I’m still really annoyed with my tics.

6. I miss me.

That’s simple enough, right?

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Comments on this post

Robin’s gravatar

I think #6 really says it all, though I thought all of these were well-written.

Hopefully Ranger is in a safe place. I don’t know exactly how long it has been, but you could check websites for animal shelters/rescue groups in the area – see if one of them might have found her and put her up for adoption (unless she was found and adopted already).

Liza’s gravatar

😡 he probably died considering it was a year ago & in the country. :/

Nancy’s gravatar

It’s fascinating how much joyful emotions these little creatures (known as cats) can bring to us… And how emotional it is when they leave. As long as your siblings know that you love them, the connection is still there.

Being separated from your friends really sucks. College separated me and my friends and I just make do by making new friends. Though easier said than done, right?

I hope you will find a way to work things out with yourself. Congratulations on the new domain!

Kristine’s gravatar

Reading #6 made me really feel for you, but I think in time, the old you will slowly come back. Also, how far away are your friends and siblings? Is it possible to visit them? Perhaps, seeing them again can help bring back the free-spirited Liza. In all honesty, reading this made me realize that I will be in your shoes where I will miss my sister’s dog, Bella, and my friends when I move for school. :/

Liza’s gravatar

I’m not friends with them anymore, because they’ve moved on. I graduated in 2009. 😡 Todd lives with Mimi, and Mimi is on my mom’s side of the family. I’m not allowed to see the siblings on my mom’s side of the family because of my mom. I can’t move back in with Mimi, because I was more depressed. She’s the reason I had to move in with my grandmother on my dad’s side of the family, Grandmama.

Manda’s gravatar

Your new TCG looks awesome! I loved TCGs way back in the day… now tempted to start playing again! I think there are scripts and stuff to automate uploading your cards. When I played I had to do that by hand 🙁

I miss my sibling, too. He and I live far away from each other so I only get to see him once a year 🙁

Liza’s gravatar

Thanks! 😉 Yep, there is easyTCG! It makes it much easier, now!

alex’s gravatar

d’awww, thanks for sharing this. i think it’s natural to miss all these things. never stop loving! don’t think too much about it. you will always be a free spirit! you are in control of your own life 🙂

tiff’s gravatar

The last one on the list made me frown 🙁

Maybe you’re still you. You’re just evolving. 🙂

I don’t blame you on not being able to work because you can’t handle people. People suck, period. I get awful anxiety from bad customers all the time.

Stephanie’s gravatar

Many electronic and symbolic hugs to you! I do hope that your siblings, at the very least, aren’t as abused as you were. But like others here, I think that this will all resolve at some point. Once your siblings leave the house, I’m pretty sure that they will go look for you.

Tori’s gravatar

I think it’s valuable to recall what you miss because it shows you what you place emotional value on. On top of that, reflection may be a really great tool to use to help you find you again.
I totally relate to #3 as I found myself homesick for the first time in college during my junior year. All at once it hit me that I really miss my bestfriend from high school; in fact, I miss all my friends from high school.

Christine’s gravatar

I can relate to your #4. Not caring. Boy–I can’t remember the last time I didn’t worry. It’s sad that as we grow older we almost are forced into a new identity of worry. At least that’s how it feels for me. I would be heartsick without my kitty, too. There’s something about seeing those warm eyes looking at us and reassuring us that everything is okay.