I’m currently typing on another blank page of my life. By the time it gets to you, this page will already be filled – ruined with everything I’ve said – and no longer available for use. Maybe being here has been somewhat good for me. Although, I think that to a certain extent it has not been good for me. I miss Todd. I worry about him. For the longest time – ever since I got Todd – he was all my heart was for, for the most part anyway. I miss my baby the most. He’s my sweetheart; I could hold him and he would just brighten my time, even if it wasn’t for long. I don’t like to think about him anymore, though. I don’t like to think about him anymore because I’m afraid. I’m afraid of something horrendous happening to him. I can’t handle those horrid thoughts that surface about him. Yet when I think of the good, all I want to do at that moment is just cry, cry, cry.
I miss the fresh air, even though it always smelled of either just grass/hay and poo or double poo. Still, it was fresher than the air here which smells like gasoline and food. It’s also noisy, which pretty much takes away from the feeling I used to get when I’d walk outside. I can’t walk out in my pajamas anymore, either – my short shorts and my oversized tee – without the neighbor boy1 decided to catch a glance of me in my worst look: the wake up look.
I miss the quiet a lot, too. Now all I hear is traffic – honking, driving fast, rice burners, etc. – over the birds (we do get a lot of different kinds of birds here…), the television (two, because they each watch their own), cats fighting at night near my window, doors shutting and people going at night…
I even miss the guys at the grocery store who I’d see real often. There was a super cute one – I’m quite sure he was in college. He was so sweet. 🙁 Single, too. Ugh.
I never really thought I’d miss it.
And in the midst of all of this, I still wish I didn’t live here.2
Yes, I’m feeling rather homesick, too.
- Not really sure if he’s cute or not… Pretty sure he only had eyes to wave and greet me because he mostly had eyes for my car considering the way he drove past it slowly, turned around and then finally drove up his driveway. If he ever somehow reads this… Oh, wait. I don’t really care anymore about who reads this. ↩
- Use your imagination for “here”. Not discussing this again, just expressing my thoughts on my blog. You don’t have to like/support it. ↩