Pain is pain. It’s a feeling that is felt when something hurts. Some pain can be healed through music, some pain can be healed through talking, some pain can be healed through venting, some pain can be healed through crying – everyone heals differently. The healing process cannot be rushed, because that can lead to dangerous behavior. It can cause someone to feel as though there is no way out, thus being the cause of their suicide.

I don’t judge people negatively for contemplating, attempting, or even succeeding suicide. I look at it as their way of attempting to rush through the healing process. Because I get it, the pain needs to end. It hurts so much that it’s unbearable, and the people around aren’t necessarily supportive.

I don’t have support at home. I’m tired of lying to myself about how I have people on my “side” and supporting me. I’m exhausted all of the time. I’m tired of crying myself to sleep. I’m tired of people accusing me of and assuming that I’m dwelling. Shit takes time. I’m so sick and tired of having to stress it.

No one has really known my point of view. I’m not the type of person who enjoys people doing things for me. Sure, it’s nice, but I just get this little voice inside my head when someone does it from my mom or lard simply saying, “Lazy, spoiled and only cares about herself.”

I literally feel like this mental illness shit has made me move down to the very bottom – the bottom of the food chain, the bottom of society, the lowest of the low.

I’m not lazy. I just can’t concentrate. I just can’t handle negative stuff. I can have a trillion positive compliments, and one negative comment will still bring me down. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I try to be sweet and caring to the best of my ability – as much as I can handle.

Faking being okay is exhausting. I’m expected to not keep it bottled up inside, but whether I have help or not doesn’t change the fact that I lack support at home. It really hurts. It makes me hate me.

Pain should never be compared. If you tell someone that “it could be worse” and/or “other people have it worse”, you’re an ignorant person who does not deserve to be considered human. I believe in karma.

I can’t drive because 1) my anxiety is too much to handle in most situations, 2) flashbacks are like movies constantly playing inside my head every. single. day., 3) I can’t concentrate, 4) I’ve developed some impulse action reaction, and it’s stuck around ever since last year when things grew horrible.

My truck has a lot of work that needs to be done – around $400. Telling me that, and then telling me I need to get a job, only makes me hate what I’m going through even more.

Pain can neither be measured nor explained. No word or phrase or sentence can even begin to describe the pain I have.

So I blog.

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Comments on this post

Robin’s gravatar

You make a good point about how people shouldn’t compare. That irritates me so much.
At least your blogging can help you in some way.

Nancy’s gravatar

Pain affects everyone differently. There are so many explanations on how it affects people and how people handle it. At the end, can everyone heal from pain?

I do agree with how suicide is an attempt of rushing the healing process. These types of obstacles either makes you or breaks you. It takes time and effort to get better and it looks like blogging help you in the process. You’re doing something about it and that matters big time.

It’s definitely not fun not having support from your family. But hey, don’t let that stop you. You can do this. Not being able to drive sucks! Hopefully, there are alternatives for the time being, yes?

I never tried out the pistachio flavored yogurt before from Yogurtland! I always go for the Strawberry Banana Greek Yogurt. The unhealthy parts are anything side of the fruit toppings and how you look at it. If I really wanted to go healthy, I’d probably go for the plain yogurt except that’s not the point of Yogurtland :P.

Take care!

Christine’s gravatar

You said it! I think that sometimes people want to try and compare because they think that it’s helping in some way, when really all that they need to do is listen. Or, they think because they have some type of experience that SEEMS similar to yours they feel entitled to share how they coped or healed. In reality, though, it’s not about how THEY healed, it needs to be about how YOU heal and process your experiences and events. I hope that people learn how to just simply listen rather than always offer a solution.

Emily’s gravatar

There are two types of pain: physical and emotional. If people had to choose between physical and emotional pain, they would most likely say physical because it’s a lot easier to deal with. I know that when I’m going through emotional pain (ie. breakups, emotional abuse, etc), I wish that it was physical instead because then I can take something for it and not have to go through all this. Though, you can take something for emotional pain, but that can lead to bad choices. So the way that I deal with emotional pain is to find things that makes me feel happy or different. I don’t always have the support of my family so I find that in my friends, in co-workers, classmates, etc. Journaling helps and so does exercise and mediation.

Good luck! I hope you feel better 🙂

Caroline L.’s gravatar

Writing and blogging are great outlets for pain! It’s almost like yelling, but you feel more controlled in some ways, like you’re not losing everything. I’m sorry you’re feeling this way – life is so tough sometimes and I hope that it can start treating you the way you deserve.

Becca’s gravatar

I think a lot of people like to try and compare what they’ve experienced and compare it to others as a means of conversation and to try and tell that they’re not alone, but a lot of times it does more harm than anything, especially when they focus too much on themselves. Listening really is the best thing, and blogging is such a great outlet to release feelings. I’m sorry that I really don’t know what you’re going through, but I just want you to know that I’m here if I can ever be of help, and here to support you. *hugshugshugs*