Paranoia

There’s probably always going to be things in life that cause people to feel paranoid about such being used. I don’t refer to that as paranoia. I’ll let you judge me and my paranoia yourself after you learn about why I’m so paranoid.

Passwords

My mom and lard always required to know my password for everything. There were, of course, some things I could get by with, but I was only able to because I sneaked around. I’d sometimes get in trouble because I sneaked around on various websites. I’ve come to conclusion that this was because they were so paranoid I’d tell people what all was going on. From this, I learned that it’s wrong for parents to restrict their kids from doing something because they’re afraid that their children will say something to get them into trouble.

What happened?

I was asked this each time I went to my dad’s. When I had my own cell phone, my mom would call me whilst here and ask random questions, wanting to know all that was going on. It was frustrating, and I was always afraid that they’d put some tracking device in my phone like they had in the computers I used.

Monitoring Program

They could pop in and play with my mouse at any time. Basically, if I was writing something, looking up something emailing someone, they could have been watching and I never have known. It also came with a shut off time, which was a major pain when I had homework. “Sorry! No more playing online!” When this was installed, I was never allowed online unless one of them was on there. The only time (I guess) this came in handy was when I was in sixth grade and in a chat room created by my school for student use only. Somehow, some perv had gotten into the system and was asking highly personal questions about my body. My mom and lard butt in. But see, I was safe online then, and I still am now. It wasn’t my fault I was on a website that my school had created and approved for me, the student, and some creep found their way into it. -.- It still pisses me off that they’d even been watching, though, because it was more than enough proof to me that they had been watching. They didn’t trust me. They were so controlling, and I’m sure such is still true.

Web cams

The light was never on, but when they’d leave and come back, they’d ask Isaac and I how each of us were. If we acted completely fine and said we’d both been good, lard would simply say that they had the web cam hooked up and knew everything that had went on. I don’t know if it was ever actually true, but when you’re brainwashed into thinking you don’t deserve to be happy, live, etc., you’ve no ability other than to believe said control freak because they persuade you into believing you’re weak.

This is why my laptop has about a half inch square of a yellow sticky Post-It note stuck over the web cam.

Behind closed doors

When we lived in Round Rock, we had an apartment with a room that was quite large and had the kind of door that would go on a front door. It was weird, actually, and it hooked up to the garage. I had my own computer in there. The door could be locked from the outside (I was on the outside, and I lacked a key) and the inside, and when I say it was practically a front door, I’m inferring that it had one of those peeping holes. I’d always cover it up with tape and construction paper or something, and my mom and lard would get pissed off at me. But I was scared that they’d watch me undress or dance or play or something. Ever so often, the door would always open, and one of them would tear off the paper and tape, look at me, and sternly say, “Not again.” Sometimes they even locked me in there, like it was a joke. During this time, I developed a fear of closed in spaces. Because of such, I’d really rather not take elevators, and in school I always had to sit near the door. Thankfully, teachers are usually understanding.

Because of these happenings, many of my nightmares are centered around something related to any of these things. And quite honestly, it really freaking sucks. 🙁

As a result

  • refuse to go anywhere without my phone working. This isn’t because I’m materialistic/stubborn/etc.; this is because I literally terrified of being stranded somewhere and no one even knowing/me lacking the ability to call for help. It terrifies me just having to think about it.
  • I cannot walk alone anywhere. Sure, the store is fine. However, if I wanted to go for a walk, I can’t do that on my own.
  • I don’t trust people at all, and those I do trust I don’t exactly trust with everything.
  • I am highly against tracking devices in pets and people, like those micro chip things.

The list is larger, but I’m not listing out my personal fears for personal reasons. (Hi, lard. Hi, mom.)

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Comments on this post

Paris’s gravatar

You don’t know me at all. But I stumbled across this while I was blog walking, and read it, and I just have to say that it was horrible that you had things like that done to you.

It reminds me of when I’m sleeping ( I sleep with my door locked ), I’ll hear the lock turning and being shifted around, and then I’ll hear a low voice going, “Lise-Ann, Lise-Ann. Wake up!” Then I freak out cause it doesn’t sound like my Mom (probably because I’m groggy), and I get scared.

Because of this I can’t sleep with my door open. If I do, I wake up in the middle of the night, and I swear I feel someone standing over me going, “Don’t say anything bitch, just go back to sleep.”

I’m paranoid too.

I hope nothing upsets you too much during this week love.

Liza’s gravatar

😡 I would even get scared over that. Thanks for sharing, and thanks for dropping by. And I hope nothing upsets you too much during this week, either. <3

Robin’s gravatar

This is very sad. I didn’t go through nearly the same thing, though I did make sure to clear Internet history. nothing I did was especially bad, but I didn’t want to be hassled about hobbies that my parents wouldn’t understand (such as writing fiction) and might not find productive.

I do understand why people put microchips in pets, though I wonder if they aren’t pointless. I wonder if many people would not think of – or would simply not feel like – taking a found dog somewhere to see if he/she is microchipped.

PJ’s gravatar

Hey Liz! Just wanted to stop by and say hello. It is so sad that our “parents” do such STUPID things to their children. It makes me wonder if they aren’t mentally challenged and don’t realize the damage they are doing will effect their children for the rest of their lives. My dad was a drunk abuser. He effected me by causing me to have a VERY LOW self-esteem, and never could “get ahead” in life because I never thought I was good enough, but it was NEVER to the extreme as in your case. I am so sorry that you had to go through this. I’m sure you are a Wonderful lady and deserve to have a wonderful life filled with happiness, not paranoia and uncertainty. Just remember, God is with you through all of this and He can make you stronger. God Bless,
I love you.

Love and Prayers,
PJ

Christine’s gravatar

That is absolutely heart breaking to have to read. I am amazed (and happy) that someone who has gone through all of that has turned into such a friendly and awesome person, even though we only know each other online. I can’t really say that if I was in that situation that I would have turned out as nice as you are.

However, it’s interesting that you mention in the beginning that the way they treated you changed your parenting ideals. That’s a good thing and shows how you are a healthy and good hearted person. <333

Cat’s gravatar

Wow, I feel like your parents took that too far. It’s one thing to be concerned about what your kids are doing, but it’s another to pretty much stalk them and control everything. Everyone should have a sense of privacy, and I think that it’s awful that they’d lock you in a room.

My parents weren’t a fan of closed doors, but fortunately, they didn’t ask for my passwords or tried to monitor me. I feel like I’m able to trust them because they trusted me and weren’t paranoid about what I was doing.

I’m actually kind of afraid to go somewhere without my phone for the same reason, which is weird because there was a period where I didn’t even have a cell phone. I guess I’ve grown dependent on it. Sorry to hear that you have nightmares and fears because of those things though 🙁 I hope some of them go away over time!

Stephanie’s gravatar

After reading that, it’s no wonder that you are paranoid! Random idea I had – perhaps you could learn a bit more about the prognosis of PTSD by reading memories that soldiers have written, since PTSD seems to be a fairly common problem among them. I want to say that it’ll get better, but truthfully, I don’t know for sure.

Even so, if the soldiers managed to live somewhat-normal lives after coming home with PTSD, I think that you’ll turn out okay too!

Another interesting thing that I got is that your experience with your parents and my own experience with my parents have probably led us to very similar ideas as to how much privacy a good parent gives their kids, even though my parents were great and wonderful 99% of the time, and your’s were the opposite of that. I don’t really know what that means, but it’s just seems like an interesting fact.

Krystal’s gravatar

I did have a lot of internet tension with my parents when I was young. Mainly because they were unfamiliar with the internet and they heard a lot of bad stories about it. Fortunately for me, my parents struggled to use the computer till recently, so even if they had my passwords they won’t know how to use the website. I guess back then, there wasn’t Facebook or Twitter or anything like that. I was not interested in chat rooms but I was interested in blogging and forums though.

You had such a bad experience with your mum and lard. Do they know how you feel about all this? What is it like now?

Liza’s gravatar

I don’t live with them; I’m living with grandparents on my dad’s side of the family. However, my mom and lard say I’m lying, no matter how I feel. They also say I wasn’t abused, even though I was. In other words, they don’t think that they did anything wrong and that I’m just a spoiled child who is pissed off because I didn’t get everything I wanted growing up — which is the furthest from the truth. I do know that they read my blog, though. I’m really hoping that my mom reads it the most, though, and that one day she’ll wake up and realize that she really does deserve better.