rock bottom

I slept a lot today. I keep having these horrid dreams. I still feel so trapped. I feel like I’ve failed and let down a lot of people, and I hate that all of this has consumed my thoughts and left me with only this to blog about. Today was just one of those days that I didn’t feel a need to be around people at all. I don’t really know how to explain it very well.

I’ve tried writing on paper and on my computer what it feels like. There are zero words for this feeling. I wake up, I lay in bed for a few moments, I try to tell myself I’m alright, sit up, go about my usual activities I do after waking up. My days all run together no matter what. They go by too fast; I can’t figure out how to make them last. I feel like I’m going nowhere; I have this bland feeling. I don’t know where I’m going in my life, and I don’t know when this feeling will end.

I don’t know if this is what “rock bottom” feels like, but it seems like such to me. My body isn’t even strong enough to do what I want it to do, so my brain isn’t willing enough to strain itself long enough for me to get out a thought I want out.

You can see the difference(s) between my genuine happiness1 and me faking happiness2 from months ago.

Now I just can’t seem to be able to adequately fake it anymore.

2012aug16 2012aug16-1

taken at around 3am 16 august

  1. Taken when I was depressed; Rascal made it better at the time. No, I’m not choking her/holding her too tight/etc.
  2. It’s just a smile.

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Comments on this post

cantaloupe’s gravatar

There’s a bar next to my friend’s apartment called Rock Bottom. There are a lot of hookers. The point is, at least you’re not a hooker? No, that’s not a very good point… They have a pool table too. Maybe the point has something to do with playing pool. Do you play pool? You could give it a go maybe?

Liza’s gravatar

I’m horrible at pool. P:

Kenji’s gravatar

Aw, shit. 🙁 I know the feeling you are describing very well! and i am so sorry you are feeling this way, and I don’t know what to say except to assure you that it WILL pass.
The best way to get through the horrible rock-bottom/too-weak-and-unmotivated feeling that you’re having is to FORCE yourself to keep doing all those things you don’t want to do. Even if it is as little as making sure you get out of bed in the morning, eat three meals, leave your house once a day and even do just an hour of your studying. Having a couple of days in a row where you are actually active and doing things will do amazing things for how you are feeling. 🙂 So that you feel like you have a purpose…
Sorry for stumbling across your blog and starting to lecture you! but I just hate reading that someone is feeling that way, because it is the worst feeling. I’ve been feeling similar recently (which is odd for me, because i’m usually so busy and excited about life) and have just gotten back to being myself! i feel like having something to look forward to is what keeps me from feeling that way..
anyway. i hope you are feeling a bit happier than when you wrote this!

and ps. i really love the layout and design of your blog! so simple, but so nice and pretty. and fun to type on! haha!

Liza’s gravatar

Haha, I agree! It was a blast to type on. xD I changed the theme yesterday, though, because I needed a slight change. I’ll go back to the blue one later on.

Thanks for dropping by. :]

Cat’s gravatar

I’m sorry that you’ve been feeling this way lately 🙁 I hope it’s just a phase. There’s been times in the past where I felt down and was questioning all the things in my life. It helped to find something to just take my mind off of it, like putting focus on a hobby. I hope you feel better soon!

Kristi’s gravatar

I’m definitely in your boat as of late. I spent 21 hours in the bed, simply because I couldn’t be bothered to get up and do anything.. including eat. I’ve also been having some really bad nightmares 🙁 youre right. it is difficult to explain and im so very sorry. I hope youre atleast feeling a little better. If you ever want to talk, Im an email away 🙂