I slept a lot today. I keep having these horrid dreams. I still feel so trapped. I feel like I’ve failed and let down a lot of people, and I hate that all of this has consumed my thoughts and left me with only this to blog about. Today was just one of those days that I didn’t feel a need to be around people at all. I don’t really know how to explain it very well.
I’ve tried writing on paper and on my computer what it feels like. There are zero words for this feeling. I wake up, I lay in bed for a few moments, I try to tell myself I’m alright, sit up, go about my usual activities I do after waking up. My days all run together no matter what. They go by too fast; I can’t figure out how to make them last. I feel like I’m going nowhere; I have this bland feeling. I don’t know where I’m going in my life, and I don’t know when this feeling will end.
I don’t know if this is what “rock bottom” feels like, but it seems like such to me. My body isn’t even strong enough to do what I want it to do, so my brain isn’t willing enough to strain itself long enough for me to get out a thought I want out.
Now I just can’t seem to be able to adequately fake it anymore.
taken at around 3am 16 august