Scars

I read on Cantaloupe’s links page (when she had descriptions) that I “often blog with aplomb“. I had to look up what that word meant, because I didn’t know what it meant. And, at first, I rolled my eyes and assumed that she was inferring that I was/am conceited.

As I kept blogging and reading my past blogs1, I slowly started to realize what she meant. And it was a slight wake up call: Contrary to what I’d thought, I was still blogging and acting like the person I wanted to be, not who I was. I was me, but I wasn’t and haven’t been myself. One example of this would be the time and happiness post.

I was putting Band-Aids on the scars and hiding them, pretending they weren’t there. But they were, they are, and they probably always will be in some places. My cuts may have healed, but the scars remain. “The scars remind me that the past is real,” the song by Papa Roach says, and it’s true; they do remind me that the past actually happened. And it’s a constant reminder.

I hid them on my thighs. Some of my shorts2 make them visible, and they remind me that I don’t really need to leave my room wearing them. Because I hide them.

One is from 2009. I was dating CG. at the time. It started out with Mimi’s dog, Annie, jumping up on me and scratching my leg at the gate. And it was gross. But it felt nice, and it reminded me of a time when I had an offline escape. As it healed, I’d remove the scab and make it deeper. I eventually confided in Chris, who asked my mom. My mom said that I didn’t cut. Yet, when she needed a way to burn me, she’d say that I did, indeed, cut. He broke my heart when he broke up with me3 and talked to me over the phone simply because of what he did. “I asked your mom about your cut. You lied to me.” He took her word over mine despite everything I had told him about her. -.- Mimi once confronted me as if it was a bad word and an illegal activity. I denied it, because her facial expression was that “crazy idea” expression that people do, and I had realized that I couldn’t tell anyone.

And it’s still there. I don’t know how long they will all last, but it’s still there!

I have a scar on my left knee that’s difficult to see but exists anyway. It’s from my mom’s ring that lard gave to her. It scratched my knee when she was tackling me on the floor in an attempt to take away the phone that I had paid by myself for simply because I used it to contact my dad, therefore taking something away from her that she was controlling before. I can write letters and letters, but the scars will still be there.4

And then, I have mental scars. They’re more long term, I think, and come in many different forms. They give one an invisible illness that is portrayed differently in the media than it actually should be that gives the impression that it’s simply this, or simply that.

An attempt to start the healing process starts tomorrow, the day of my first counseling appointment.

And I’m not telling you because I want you to know or anything. I’m blogging about it because my memory sucks. And because each mental health post increases awareness. And I’m not blogging this out of aplomb; I kind of feel indifferent and nervous about it.

  1. I do this ever so often.
  2. I’m a short shorts-wearer.
  3. Via Facebook, by the way.
  4. Speaking of them, no matter WHAT becomes of “Seek Liza”, my old .me domain name (it doesn’t deserve linking to), lard bought it. I do not own it.

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Comments on this post

Hiro’s gravatar

Wishing you the best for tomorrow’s appointment; that it’s a good match for you.

cantaloupe’s gravatar

I am glad that my description was able to inspire you. I rarely use aplomb, so it must have been fate that I would use it and it would catch your attention and lead to this reflective entry. I wish you the best in your counseling meeting! I once went to a counselor and I found him extremely helpful. He sort of shook me up and made me think about things in a different way…. I can’t explain it. But it was good. And I hope your time is good too.

Jessica’s gravatar

I would like to wish you the best of luck with your appointment tomorrow, or rather today. I hope that it goes exactly as you are hoping. I have to admit that I checked out seekliza.me, and what I read on there made me very angry. What kind of parents don’t want their child to heal? I know that my Mom is grateful that I have my blog and that she is not concerned what I write on it – because if people wanted you to write nice things about them, then they would treat you good. Sorry, Liza! 🙂

Liz’s gravatar

@Jessica, I didn’t know about it until you had pointed it out, so thanks!

Maria’s gravatar

I hope you’ll be able to get the help, and find the peace that you need during your counseling session.

I know that the psychologist who treated me for my depression three years back really helped me. She made me aware, as well, that scars of things that have happened (be it physical or mental scars) won’t ever go away, but if you manage to give them their own little “space” in your mind, deal with them at fullest, the pain most certainly will go away. And I think that’s the best option anyway. Scars are a (healthy) reminder of a place that we used to be in and definitely do not want to go back to. 🙂

So, best of luck with your counseling sessions!!! I hope your counselor or psychologist or whichever is able to help you as good as mine was able to help me! 🙂

Holly’s gravatar

I have two huge scars from surgeries I had when I was younger. I use to hate them and I would cover them all the time. I hates being asked about them when people noticed them. Over time I realised that my scars weren’t going to go away. They would always be a reminded of what I went through, and that this wasn’t necessarily a bad thing. They remind me that I’m a fighter and that no matter how crap I feel I will always get through.

I hope your appointment went well. 🙂

Stephanie’s gravatar

Did you mean “conceited” instead of “conceded”? I ask because it would change the meaning of your first paragraph quite a bit.

I hope that your counseling appointments are going well. When I first read this post in passing, I was very happy to hear that you were going to get some counseling done! I’m sure that you’ll overcome your past. Sure, the scars are there, but even scars fade over time. It just sometimes takes a long while.

Liz’s gravatar

@Stephanie, OMG Yes! It said that it misspelled it, though! Chrome’s spelling dictionary has been sucky lately since their updates.

[…] change that form of “evidence”, whose entry is dated for the same day I posted Scars. Anyone who knows and works with the web should know well enough that online media can be […]