Seeking Liza

Sometimes I wonder who I am to the point that I go all out and purchase a domain name with the thought and the hope in me that that domain is the missing piece to finding me and who I’m meant to be. After blogging on it for however long, I realize that, once again, this — 6birds — is who I am. All the fragments of myself is put into this blog by the same body to create a masterpiece.

Sometimes, people ask me if I prefer Liz or Liza. People offline still call me Sarah, but I’m going to hope for having that changed before 2015 comes along. I don’t associate with “Sarah” whether it is what my birth certificate says or not. It’s not who I am.

When naming a character of a book or a movie, writers have to be careful because a name, no matter how sweet, can shape a person’s overall attitude and behavior. Sometimes, a name shapes who a person is, and that is what “Sarah” has done for me. In order to actually start the healing process and be able to gain the most that I can out of therapy, I need to completely disassociate myself from “Sarah” as a name because it’s all a mirage. I wasn’t born as her.

And it’s actually really weird to go by “Liz” offline. I’m not used to it.

I’m in pieces, and those pieces make up the whole of me. “Sarah”, “Liz”, “Poppy”, “Evan” and “Liza” are the parts of me. “Sabby”1 was a part of me, but we merged once school was really out of the picture. “Liza” is more creative, and for some reason I’m starting to despise it more and more. And I like “Liz”, because I don’t feel as if the name is that of someone who tries to be a people-pleaser or anything. I feel like “Liz” is the name of someone who has strength and courage. And sometimes that persona takes over me. And sometimes that’s who I am.

I prefer “Liz”. And I’m working on getting my personalities back under control, and soon Sarah will be as gone as Sabby, Liddy, Mandy and many others I don’t know. And maybe then my posts from that point on will actually start to sound like they were written by one person rather than multiple persons from myself.

But I’m closer to finding myself like I wanted, or I never really needed to find myself anywhere. I didn’t need to look around, because I’ve been here the whole time. I just didn’t give the right persona enough attention and instead awarded attention to one that wasn’t very helpful who existed for that sole purpose — to be found.

Thus, the domain doesn’t actually have any affect on me anymore like I thought that it could. What has happened to it (re: my stepfather registering it out of ill faith for the sole purpose of defaming and threatening me2) has actually helped me a bit to let go and attempt to regain control of my personalities even further.

And now you all know the real story behind Seek Liza, because all I had shared was a mere snippet. And this is me attempting to let the light in. I’m taking back the light that was stolen. You don’t own me anymore; I am not your property to do with whatever you so please.

(And it’s quite possible that participating in the The Declaration of You book tour was one of the best things I did this year, because it has helped me believe that it’s okay to declare things I want and feel fine with that.)

  1. Est. 2011.
  2. Excerpt for this post, which details precisely what happened, is: Seek Liza (dot me) is a previous domain name I owned, which my stepfather registered out of ill faith to use for publicly defaming and threatening me under the guise of an unofficial, Cease and Desist letter dated for before it was really posted. This post represents my dissociating from the website and realizing I’m no longer under his control and abuse.

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Comments on this post

Robin’s gravatar

Interesting. I was wondering why you had dropped the “a”. Why are you hoping to end the offline usage of Sarah (I apologize if you mentioned this already; I have had no coffee and my mind is basically spaced out)?

Robin’s gravatar

…Why are you hoping to end it before 2015, was what I meant to ask. Told you I can’t think straight right now.

Liz’s gravatar

@Robin, I don’t associate with Sarah, but before 2015 sounds like a long enough time for people to get used to it. 🙂

Marshmallow’s gravatar

Liz, firstly, I’m so proud of you. There are people who just know who they are the moment they reach middle school, and there are people that take their whole lives to figure this out. Self discovery and “merging” parts of yourself to feel like a whole, content, complete person can be an exhausting and (at least in my case) sad journey. Bettering yourself and finding out who you are I think go hand in hand.

I used to go by an alias because I couldn’t find myself, and was afraid people would judge me. But now I realize there isn’t a reason to feel this way. Over the course of the last three years I’ve gotten more comfortable with being me, and finding who I am has helped. I’m not 100% there yet but I’m not afraid or ashamed.

As far as domains go, I feel like I just *fit* with mallowdrop, like that’s who I am. And I smiled reading about you sticking with 6birds because I know what you’re feeling.

Keep your chin up, Liz. You’re getting there.

Amanda’s gravatar

I think it’s great that you’ve figured out what you want to do, and I think you shouldn’t have to worry about everyone else adjusting. You should just go ahead and be you and go by what you want to go by, and everyone else will follow suit sooner or later. After all, it’s about you, not everyone else 🙂

Kya’s gravatar

You have to be comfortable with who you are and a name can have a big impact on that, like you said. I think it’s great that you have a name that can reflect on who you are and who you want to be. If people offline can understand and respect that and make sure they move with it, that is really great.

I understand a little about having an alternative name. I have been known as Kya online for quite a while and it is a name that means a lot to me, and makes me want to draw on a happier self.

*hugs*

Stephanie’s gravatar

Your post reminded me of something my English teacher said in high school. She said that when (many) writers write novels, the names they choose for their characters often have a specific meaning. What the meaning is may be forever unknown to anyone but the author, though. And, as someone with multiple names, I can attest that it does feel different to be called something different. For me, the girl with my Chinese name is the upright and responsible girl who’s loyal to her parents, works hard, and is proud of her heritage (also, nobody living in America uses that name, parents included…). But the girl named Stephanie? She’s a bit of a goofball. And while she acknowledges her own heritage and those of everyone else, doesn’t think much of it because a person’s characters matters much much more. The real girl in my body is both identities at the same time.

I’m glad that you’ve reached a point where you want to be. Now you can slowly and surely create a beautiful, strong identity. Also, it’s the same name as the main character in Pride and Prejudice. I think that you’d like that Elizabeth. Nothing wrong with going by your middle name – I know several people who go by their middle names and nobody actually cares. Hopefully, there won’t be too much of an awkward transition period for you!

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