Sometimes I wonder who I am to the point that I go all out and purchase a domain name with the thought and the hope in me that that domain is the missing piece to finding me and who I’m meant to be. After blogging on it for however long, I realize that, once again, this — 6birds — is who I am. All the fragments of myself is put into this blog by the same body to create a masterpiece.
Sometimes, people ask me if I prefer Liz or Liza. People offline still call me Sarah, but I’m going to hope for having that changed before 2015 comes along. I don’t associate with “Sarah” whether it is what my birth certificate says or not. It’s not who I am.
When naming a character of a book or a movie, writers have to be careful because a name, no matter how sweet, can shape a person’s overall attitude and behavior. Sometimes, a name shapes who a person is, and that is what “Sarah” has done for me. In order to actually start the healing process and be able to gain the most that I can out of therapy, I need to completely disassociate myself from “Sarah” as a name because it’s all a mirage. I wasn’t born as her.
And it’s actually really weird to go by “Liz” offline. I’m not used to it.
I’m in pieces, and those pieces make up the whole of me. “Sarah”, “Liz”, “Poppy”, “Evan” and “Liza” are the parts of me. “Sabby”1 was a part of me, but we merged once school was really out of the picture. “Liza” is more creative, and for some reason I’m starting to despise it more and more. And I like “Liz”, because I don’t feel as if the name is that of someone who tries to be a people-pleaser or anything. I feel like “Liz” is the name of someone who has strength and courage. And sometimes that persona takes over me. And sometimes that’s who I am.
I prefer “Liz”. And I’m working on getting my personalities back under control, and soon Sarah will be as gone as Sabby, Liddy, Mandy and many others I don’t know. And maybe then my posts from that point on will actually start to sound like they were written by one person rather than multiple persons from myself.
But I’m closer to finding myself like I wanted, or I never really needed to find myself anywhere. I didn’t need to look around, because I’ve been here the whole time. I just didn’t give the right persona enough attention and instead awarded attention to one that wasn’t very helpful who existed for that sole purpose — to be found.
Thus, the domain doesn’t actually have any affect on me anymore like I thought that it could. What has happened to it (re: my stepfather registering it out of ill faith for the sole purpose of defaming and threatening me2) has actually helped me a bit to let go and attempt to regain control of my personalities even further.
And now you all know the real story behind Seek Liza, because all I had shared was a mere snippet. And this is me attempting to let the light in. I’m taking back the light that was stolen. You don’t own me anymore; I am not your property to do with whatever you so please.
(And it’s quite possible that participating in the The Declaration of You book tour was one of the best things I did this year, because it has helped me believe that it’s okay to declare things I want and feel fine with that.)
- Est. 2011. ↩
- Excerpt for this post, which details precisely what happened, is: Seek Liza (dot me) is a previous domain name I owned, which my stepfather registered out of ill faith to use for publicly defaming and threatening me under the guise of an unofficial, Cease and Desist letter dated for before it was really posted. This post represents my dissociating from the website and realizing I’m no longer under his control and abuse. ↩