Set fire to the rain
Not once have I ever said anyone had to believe what I say. However, if I’m quite consistent in my words — my story, my experiences — shouldn’t that result in truth-telling from me? Shouldn’t that hold reason for my words to be the truth?
I find it difficult to lie, thus I do not — I cannot mentally handle lying, nor can I deal with the pretending that comes with it, as I can barely pretend to be “normal” around the people who want me to be/act normal… around the people who wish me “fixed”.
I opened up on my blog — my sanctuary, my outlet — and talked about what I have been through and what I have… I took my readers on my journey to accepting that, because I didn’t always accept it — for several years, I was in denial about so much that had happened to me… I “moved on”, per se, but “moving on” is what brought everything back — it’s what made everything worse — and the mind cannot handle that, no matter how much the average (e.g. non-abused) person claims it to be true — to be able.
Yet, perhaps I grew too prideful and comfortable in the place I found myself in — the mental place I could easily claim the labels that make me who and how I am today, the labels that help me explain, in a nutshell, how and why I am the way I am — because I realized, even if something is posted about completely different people, there is still a flame to be had, and others will grow offended, thus thinking it is about them…
What if it wasn’t about anyone at all? What if I wanted to write about a topic that has affected me my entire life? What if that’s what I did? What if, instead of it being strangers, it’s people I know who prove an article I wrote right — the stigma I have discussed thus having been proved to me, yet not at all being fully digested — being fully considered.
Why should I have to prove anything to people when those who have seen me and gotten to know me and have worked around people like me say, “Oh! That makes sense! See, I thought you were autistic, I just didn’t want to say anything, because people get really offended…” or things along those lines.
Why is me not wanting a stupid cure so wrong? Why is me just wanting people who understand so wrong? Why is comparing myself to other things in the world — the comparisons I make because it helps me better relate to others — seen as so wrong and unjustifiable? I’m a lot like Sheldon Cooper from The Big Bang Theory, and if I say I am, then I am… I’m using him as an example so I can relate with other people — so they can take a step back and see how much I am pretending, so they can stop judging me and being as ignorant.
I don’t think a lot of people truly understand what “ignorant” means… in a nutshell, “ignorant” means “without knowledge”. I use it to describe people who don’t know about various things, not to call them dumb — that’s not what it means. Those who don’t know much about autism are ignorant, because they don’t know about it.
As a person who relies first on the facts, why must feelings be seen as factual devices for arguments from those offended by their personal ignorance?
Why must people start claiming lies are true and spreading rumors about someone when that someone admits aloud to more people than a mere personal blog they are autistic?
Why must the flame burn, even if it’s the feelings of that person that are important — why must the flame continue to burn and scorch?
Why can’t I just be accepted?
I am autistic. I have helped a lot of people because of how raw I am with my words — with my life — and it feels really empowering… It helps me to not feel alone.
I’m not going to say I’m not autistic when I know I am. I’m an Aspie. I have been diagnosed. However, many, many autistics/Aspies go undiagnosed.
The stigma that inspired this entry not only came from friends and family, but from strangers and various places on the media as well. I found people to back me up… I consulted other Aspies before calling it completed and publishing it.
The stigma the post is in reference to is the exact stigma I received after posting it.
The stigma is the problem. People need to be educated on what various mental health things are — they need to know the media uses autism as a scapegoat for stalking and murdering people… they need to know it’s not okay to claim someone was stalking someone else as a means to get their “craziness” across.
People need to know stigma is not okay.
Am I still hurting? Yes, definitely.
This is my outlet. I’m not going to let people take it from me.