Shunned

I was taught to stand up and fight for what I believe in.

I don’t believe that everything happens for a reason.

I don’t believe that there is a person for everyone on this planet.

I don’t believe that people should be treated differently because of their sexual orientation; I believe that people should receive equal rights, because we are part of the same species.

I don’t believe that college or university is for everyone. That doesn’t mean that I believe a career in the armed forces should be obtained, either. Some people just aren’t meant to go to college.

I don’t believe that we respect others’ beliefs.

And that’s starting to really hurt me, because I do. I do. Granted, I won’t respect your belief that people who are mentally ill should be in a psych ward, but as long as you’re not ignorant, I will. Friends or family or not.

It sticks with me: the judging, the insults, the ignorance. Although I forgive, I don’t forget. My head is a cage. All of the horrible things people have said and done to me replay over and over again. I remember the bad more than I remember the good.

Family hasn’t really apologized for humiliating me or treating me like a crazy person, if “crazy” actually even exists anymore. They haven’t apologized for calling me crazy, abnormal or “wrong in the head”.

I kind of lack offline friends because they all turned ignorant. I started seeing everyone’s true colors when I noticed they were treating me like the Devil’s daughter or as if I have leprosy.

Online friends who insulted me and put me down still have yet to apologize, but I feel like they don’t even remember. I remember. I don’t know why I still read and comment their blogs back since they kind of slowly crept in and started reading and commenting my posts again even though it still really aches me to do that. One apologized for tweeting about how I need to be in a psychiatric ward, but I don’t feel like she really understands it.

I don’t hold grudges, but forgiving doesn’t take away the pain. All of it hurts me, because it makes me feel as if I can’t really go to many people for help. I know two people who won’t and don’t mind if I email them a rant or for advice or because I’m crying and I just want to stop. I consider them my “bestest” friends on here. Because that’s what bloggers do: We help each other. We’re supposed to be there for each other, not shun one of our own out because they’re having difficulties living up to some stupid expectation.

If someone worked really hard on a design and likes a kink about it that you dislike or find to be wrong, hush. I dislike saying “shut up”, so hush. Someone I admired at the time it happened told me that my comments text box went off into the sidebar on their computer, but I had worked hard on it, and I didn’t want to fix it just for that one person. I said that I liked it that way, and they told me, in detail, why it was wrong and why I should be ashamed of myself. And then I changed it after a while to another theme. Because that really hurt, and I was so embarrassed by it just from what someone I looked up to said. And he never apologized.

And, as members of the human race, we’re supposed to do that, too. We’re not supposed to stab each other in the back or tell them that they’re wrong for believing or feeling something different from what we do.

Unfortunately, we inadvertently reject others for what they feel, think and believe. All I can do is try not to do that [provided zero ignorance is involved]1 and hope that others do the same.

It really hurts to have ever been treated this way from the people I expected more from, and I have stayed quiet about it for a really long time. But it hurts, and the pain has been coming back for weeks. And now it’s here.

 

  1. I have a zero tolerance policy for ignorance. Consider this the first part of it.

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Comments on this post

Kya’s gravatar

I am really sorry that you are feeling this way at the moment. Life can be hard. I am not just saying that as someone who lives with rose coloured glasses, but as someone who deals with mental illness on a daily basis. I am not trying to say that I understand how you are feeling, just that I am sorry that you are going through such hurt, especially from the people around you, close to you.

If you ever want to contact me, you are welcome to do so. Having another voice to listen can help. I mean that really, not just saying it. My email is with the comment so the invitation is there. I know it can be hard to trust anyone once you have been through so much, so I understand that as well.

Kirsten’s gravatar

I like to think that most peoples intentions are good and they don’t mean to hurt but unfortunately sometimes ignorance, misunderstanding and/or intolerance gets in the way and that breeds fear and then they do hurt people they otherwise would care about. Blogging about it can help by enlightening those who otherwise may never really give a second thought to something they say to someone or even consider that it might have hurt, Hopefully these people may have gotten a chance to read this and realize the effect they can have whether they mean it or not or didn’t think about it or not.. I am sorry that you got hurt. No one should ever have to feel that way. *hugs*

Susanne’s gravatar

If you were offended by that “geeky vs mobile-friendly themes” thing we discussed on twitter ages ago, I want to apologize.. probably should have a long time ago but I was so very surprised and didn’t know what to say, because I definitely didn’t mean it that way. I didn’t have any opinions at all about your potential “geekiness” or lack thereof, but just blabbered about a specific theme (none of yours) that looked weird on the phone. I don’t even know if you remember any of this, but I think about it sometimes and still feel bad about it.. Maybe it’s that English isn’t my first language and I can’t always express myself clearly enough, I don’t know.
I’ve always admired you for being so strong and having the courage to blog about all the hard stuff in your life. I’ve tried to do that sometimes but I’m too coward and delete the post afterwards.

Christine’s gravatar

Sometimes it can be so hard to try and let go of what others have done to us. There are still things I remember people saying or doing that has upset me, but I’ve tried in the past few years to let some of those things go. It’s hard! However, I have found that for me, remembering these things and replaying them over in my mind just bring ME down…not the person who said it. Why punish myself for something someone else said or did that was crappy? I hope you’ll be able to do those same things at some point because life is too short to hold on to the negative all of the time. <3

Liz’s gravatar

@Christine, It’s not like I try to.

Stephanie’s gravatar

I have a friend who believes that there are a lot of rich who willfully choose ignorance so that they don’t have to face themselves and realize how disgustingly wasteful their lifestyles can get and realize that they shouldn’t judge poor people the way they do.

I also naturally punish myself and beat myself up whenever someone says something bad about me. My first reaction to any criticism, let alone insult, from someone I love is to imagine a knife going through my throat. (That’s something I’ve kept secret up until now!) But I know that I’ll never follow through, and that the real problem is that I beat myself up too much. It’s really really hard to do, and I’m still learning how to do this, but next time you want to beat yourself up, try to remember all of us encouraging people who believe in you and what we say too!