I’m exhausted. Actually, that doesn’t even begin to describe it. I’m so frustrated. For the past two days, I’ve been helping someone with something online-/technology-/script-wise. I think the most frustrating part is that who it benefits probably couldn’t care less. This feels worse than it was at Walmart, because I can’t easily vent about it.
I’ve come to conclusion that I’m also frustrated with myself, my family and whatever “friends” I have left, if any at all. There are a lot of people who accuse me of and assume I’m merely dwelling. When you try and try your entire life to do something right that doesn’t feel like a huge accomplishment, it does absolutely nothing for your self-esteem.
I hate how people will sometimes come across my blog and read a little snippet of my depression, then comment stating how “it gets better”1 and to “just be positive”.
How about this: I’m a pessimistic person who seriously never thought I’d actually make it to almost 22 years old, who is unemployed, who leads people on to think that I’m actually “better” and somewhat “happy”, who can’t sleep until I’m too exhausted to even think anymore, who really hates the country I live in with a passion, who…
So I’m not positive. So I don’t want to talk about where I’m going to work. So I don’t want to talk about getting help. So I don’t want to talk about my mom’s side of the family. So I don’t want to discuss my future. So I don’t want every wrong to be called out. So I don’t want to care.
I just want to for once be able to escape my mind. It’s horrible in here, and I’m exploding again. It hurts so bad to hold it in, to pretend I’m doing okay, to fake smiles and laughter and being alright. Because I’m not “alright”; I’m not okay. To all of the people who think I freaking need to “be positive” and shit, GET OFF MY BLOG AND DON’T COME BACK. I’m serious. I’m sick and tired of it. It really hurts. It makes me feel so alone.
I’m so sick of it; I’m so sick of everything.
I think I’m going to start blogging about PTSD and depression again. I come across people who think mental illness is surreal and/or that it only happens to “lunatics”. A celebrity who first followed me on Twitter2 tweeted “Guns killed Osama Bin Laden, not the Navy Seals3… SAID NO ONE EVER. So don’t blame guns for the actions of stupid/ psychotic people,” to which I replied, “Please don’t use “psychotic”. :L”. It’s hurtful, even though I guess it shouldn’t hurt me. However, Merriam-Webster defines psychotic as “of, relating to, marked by, or affected with psychosis”. Psychosis is many things. Too many people look to mental illness and disorders and syndromes, etc. as the scapegoat when discussing a murder case. It’s ridiculous, and even autism’s included in that. The media persuades people into thinking and believing whatever the media wants people to believe. Thus, people assume anyone with some mental health issue(s) deserve to be in jail. They don’t want us to get help, they don’t want us out in the real world, and they don’t think any of us are “normal”4.
I recently have been reading The Redhead Riter, a blog that contains a special category on PTSD. I shared her list of 14 reasons to read said post on Facebook. I’ll admit I teared up whilst I was reading that one, because I realized that I’d finally found a BLOG – not some info site – with a REAL PERSON writing it who UNDERSTANDS. Also, you can slap yourself if you think you are suffering worse. Pain, suffering, tragedy, life – comparisons shouldn’t always come into play. Anyway, I commented her 14 reasons post and she replied. 🙂
People can research depression and post-traumatic stress disorder, but until they experience it for themselves, they will never be able to relate to anyone who has it, nor will they truly be able to understand the pain those with the two experience. It sucks. It takes away everything you’ve ever loved. It leaves you emotionless, restless, exhausted, and possibly empty. It can drag you down or lift you up. It hurts. And if you think I’m exaggerating, you can just SLAP YOURSELF.
- It never actually gets “better”. The world is a terrible place. It doesn’t “get better”; you just learn how to deal with it better. ↩
- I followed back to be nice, plus she’s from Texas. ↩
- I realize she deleted her original. Someone had tweeted her that it was the “Navy Seals” and not the “Marines”, yet she didn’t respect my tweet about the word “psychotic”, teenager or not. ↩
- I still hate the word “normal”. ↩