Slap yourself for me, ‘kay? Thanks.

I’m exhausted. Actually, that doesn’t even begin to describe it. I’m so frustrated. For the past two days, I’ve been helping someone with something online-/technology-/script-wise. I think the most frustrating part is that who it benefits probably couldn’t care less. This feels worse than it was at Walmart, because I can’t easily vent about it.

I’ve come to conclusion that I’m also frustrated with myself, my family and whatever “friends” I have left, if any at all. There are a lot of people who accuse me of and assume I’m merely dwelling. When you try and try your entire life to do something right that doesn’t feel like a huge accomplishment, it does absolutely nothing for your self-esteem.

I hate how people will sometimes come across my blog and read a little snippet of my depression, then comment stating how “it gets better”1 and to “just be positive”.

How about this: I’m a pessimistic person who seriously never thought I’d actually make it to almost 22 years old, who is unemployed, who leads people on to think that I’m actually “better” and somewhat “happy”, who can’t sleep until I’m too exhausted to even think anymore, who really hates the country I live in with a passion, who…

So I’m not positive. So I don’t want to talk about where I’m going to work. So I don’t want to talk about getting help. So I don’t want to talk about my mom’s side of the family. So I don’t want to discuss my future. So I don’t want every wrong to be called out. So I don’t want to care.

I just want to for once be able to escape my mind. It’s horrible in here, and I’m exploding again. It hurts so bad to hold it in, to pretend I’m doing okay, to fake smiles and laughter and being alright. Because I’m not “alright”; I’m not okay. To all of the people who think I freaking need to “be positive” and shit, GET OFF MY BLOG AND DON’T COME BACK. I’m serious. I’m sick and tired of it. It really hurts. It makes me feel so alone.

I’m so sick of it; I’m so sick of everything.

I think I’m going to start blogging about PTSD and depression again. I come across people who think mental illness is surreal and/or that it only happens to “lunatics”. A celebrity who first followed me on Twitter2 tweeted “Guns killed Osama Bin Laden, not the Navy Seals3… SAID NO ONE EVER. So don’t blame guns for the actions of stupid/ psychotic people,” to which I replied, “Please don’t use “psychotic”. :L”. It’s hurtful, even though I guess it shouldn’t hurt me. However, Merriam-Webster defines psychotic as “of, relating to, marked by, or affected with psychosis”. Psychosis is many things. Too many people look to mental illness and disorders and syndromes, etc. as the scapegoat when discussing a murder case. It’s ridiculous, and even autism’s included in that. The media persuades people into thinking and believing whatever the media wants people to believe. Thus, people assume anyone with some mental health issue(s) deserve to be in jail. They don’t want us to get help, they don’t want us out in the real world, and they don’t think any of us are “normal”4.

I recently have been reading The Redhead Riter, a blog that contains a special category on PTSD. I shared her list of 14 reasons to read said post on Facebook. I’ll admit I teared up whilst I was reading that one, because I realized that I’d finally found a BLOG – not some info site – with a REAL PERSON writing it who UNDERSTANDS. Also, you can slap yourself if you think you are suffering worse. Pain, suffering, tragedy, life – comparisons shouldn’t always come into play. Anyway, I commented her 14 reasons post and she replied. 🙂

People can research depression and post-traumatic stress disorder, but until they experience it for themselves, they will never be able to relate to anyone who has it, nor will they truly  be able to understand the pain those with the two experience. It sucks. It takes away everything you’ve ever loved. It leaves you emotionless, restless, exhausted, and possibly empty. It can drag you down or lift you up. It hurts. And if you think I’m exaggerating, you can just SLAP YOURSELF.

  1. It never actually gets “better”. The world is a terrible place. It doesn’t “get better”; you just learn how to deal with it better.
  2. I followed back to be nice, plus she’s from Texas.
  3. I realize she deleted her original. Someone had tweeted her that it was the “Navy Seals” and not the “Marines”, yet she didn’t respect my tweet about the word “psychotic”, teenager or not.
  4. I still hate the word “normal”.

Sorry, but comments are closed on this post.

Comments on this post

The Redhead Riter’s gravatar

Expressing yourself will help even if no one wants to hear it. Write for yourself and listen to what you write. Reread it over and over again.

It is very depressing that most people can’t wrap their mind around PTSD and even more depressing that some people don’t even try to understand it.

I remember the first time someone said that I had a “mental illness” because I have PTSD. It was scary and shocking. I hadn’t ever thought about PTSD as a mental illness, but it is and so what? Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is nothing to be ashamed of and that is why I write about it constantly. I want to educate the world. Somehow I want people to start understanding this horrific disorder.

I can feel your pain, anger and helplessness in your post. I’m so sorry you are hurting, but you CAN heal. It will take GREAT effort, but it will be worth it. Do you have a really good therapist? Have you tried EMDR, hypnosis or any other “technique” to help with PTSD besides just talking? If not, I think you should because it WILL help.

Another thing you can do is listen and work through this program: https://store.midwestcenter.com/mwc You can buy them cheaper on Ebay, but the point is to just get them. I know they are expensive, but they are so helpful. I listen to them on the way to and from work every day.

Today IS the FIRST day of the rest of your life. YOU can do this! From your avatar picture, I can tell you are a beautiful girl. Don’t let PTSD win. I almost lost…everything. So hang in there for another hour and then another hour until today is over. Take it one piece at a time. Read some funny stuff today too. It will help your brain. I have a section on my blog called “Chuckle of the Day” or my Driver’s License picture today. Clean humor. Go laugh. Laughing will release things in your brain to help counteract the depression and sadness. See…there is a method to my madness. (wink)

{{{{SUPER BIG HUGSSSSS}}}}

Liza’s gravatar

@The Redhead Riter,

It really does help, even if I don’t receive feedback. Sometimes I just like expressing myself, but I don’t necessarily wish to close comments because I do have readers who oftentimes enjoy giving me feedback on these things. I’ve only ever closed comments for a long while once because things got that bad — so bad I could neither shut down my blog and quit completely nor handle the comments I was receiving. I don’t really want to resort to that if I don’t have to, not yet anyway.

I used to not write about it, but now I do. I feel like maybe I can educate people a little more. Since I started over on blogging, I feel like my posts are more structured and readable, and not like my old posts. I also have Hope Fades, which I hope to really get kicked off this year. Somehow I just have to figure out the best way to advertise it, which so far seems like buttons for people’s sites.

I’m not at all open to any kind of therapy that will make me not aware of what I’m doing whilst I’m doing it; EMDR and hypnosis seem like that. I’m extremely against hypnosis for various reasons, as well as shock therapy. I can’t do it because I have to be aware of what I’m doing and saying, and I don’t even like sleeping because I don’t know what I will do without my knowledge. It’s complicated, but I’m fully against it for me.

I’ve not yet gotten into a therapist; we’re still looking for someone who is in the area that I can see. The Cigna website is really shitty and doesn’t allow me to search. .-.

Denise’s gravatar

I took my time to read your blog, and I took my time to read The Redhead Riters blog. It made me think for ten minutes. You know, I quit my job because it made me feel like I was rotten inside my body. My stomach and chest hurted each day, I had alot of migraine attacks and I coudn’t think positve and sleep anymore. But I don’t think it is the same as PTSD. Now that I quit my job I don’t really have that feeling anymore (not as strong as it was at work) and my migraine attacks are disappeared. 🙂
I think I know how you feel, well, I WANT to try to feel how you feel. I can only hope for you feel better one day. I wish I could help you with that. So if you need someone to talk to, and if you want to, I’m here for you 🙂 Goodluck with everything.

The Redhead Riter’s gravatar

@Denise,

If more people were like you, I think the world would be a better place. {{{hugsssss}}}

Sara’s gravatar

Depression is a huge pain in the ass.

I’m currently going through a spell of it because THE FUCKING SUN DOESN’T WANT TO COME OUT. *shakes fist*

It does really suck when it’s all “BE POSITIVE” and said person hasn’t experienced depression or any mental illness first hand. It’s not that fucking easy. It’s not like flipping a switch OH HAY GURL, I’M HAPPY AGAIN.

April’s gravatar

Oh my goodness. Two years ago (and when I was 22), this could’ve been written by me (sans PTSD).

I just want to say that it does get better, not just you learn to deal with it better, mainly because your perspective changes. You deal with it differently. Also the farther away the event, the easier it is to deal with… just like being dumped in high school doesn’t seem like a big deal now.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I’ll have to read more posts to find out why, but I hope that you realize that this is only a season, a part of your life, and you can choose a different future.

Robin’s gravatar

I would rather read real posts like this than the sunshine-y “everything goes my way” posts I read on many other blogs.

You’re being more patient with that person (who you are helping with website stuff) than I would be. I might have told them to just figure it out themselves a while ago if they’re going to act that way.

Christine’s gravatar

I think you have every right to feel and express yourself in whatever way you see fit and in whatever manner will help you to cope and heal. I think that people who try to reply with a “be positive” comment often don’t understand what others are going through and figure that saying that is better than saying nothing at all, when in reality it can be more hurtful to the situation.

The chatter in the mind, and the need to escape it is hard–near impossible, you’re right. I think that by expressing the chatter and by expressing the thoughts and acknowledging them you’re doing yourself a service rather than keeping them in to appease others. If people don’t like it, they don’t have to read it.

The Redhead Riter’s gravatar

@Christine,

“I think that by expressing the chatter and by expressing the thoughts and acknowledging them you’re doing yourself a service rather than keeping them in to appease others.”

I TOTALLY agree!!!!

Liza’s gravatar

@Christine, YES. THANK YOU. I didn’t even have to say it myself. 😀

Paula’s gravatar

Ok I was diagnosed with complex PTSD. Years ago. I have worked it through. Working it through sucks. Like depression sucks or anxiety. Except that the latter two keep you stuck. Everyone reacts different to different techniques of healing. It was try and error – sucks in itself. getting tough love form the therapeutic team sucks as well. They hold me accountable for my life. For my doings or sometimes the lack thereof.
For me a mixture of cognitive therapy, art therapy, visualization, body psycho therapy, Qi Gong, breath exercises and grounding techniques helped. Plus a specifically for me created toolbox. I learned that doing everything everyday is completely overcharging me and I will abandon any plan created. What I do is this:
every morning I blow myself a kiss in the bathroom mirror. Makes me giggle.
from my list of activities (Qi Gong, visualization, meditation, exercising or breathing exercise, Feldenkrais, Jacobsen) I choose one. I take time every morning to figure which one. Sort of ME time while fostering awareness and acceptance.
That are 15min out of each day. Not a lot.
In the evening I count the positive moments of the day. There are moments if one is ready to see it. Start small. Count your blessings. Gratitude and misery do not go together. I never figured how to counteract misery. But it worked for me to increase gratitude which automatically took over some space from misery. Made it easier to even further increase gratitude.
Grounding, grounding, grounding. The most simple, boring exercises who tend to drive me nuts. One of the most helpful. It works if you work it. Didn’t like to hear it, didn’t like to believe – yet it does. 2min per day!
Inner child work. Sucks but helps.
Guess you got the idea that I truly fought to keep it, to get rid of it, to get my will, my whatever.
Today I have still bad days. However they grow less by the year and as long as I self care I am ok. I accept that I have bad days and simply hide under the bed cover (great coping tool for me) for a certain amount of time. I have learned to love myself. It is ok to rage, to be angry, to be sad, to be exhausted. It is ok to be frustrated, helpless and sick of it, drawbacks are as ok as laughter.
I have however not forgotten the pain. All engulfing pain. I hear you. I truly do. You deserve better then that. Much better. We didnt ask for the PTSD. Yet we have to deal with it. It is not fair. But it is not all of you. You are more then the sum of your past, pattern and PTSD.
Love from my heart to yours.

Caroline L.’s gravatar

I’m so sorry you’re going through this… I personally have never dealt with depression, and I know I can barely even begin to understand your struggles or pains, but I do hope you are able to eventually find some peace of mind & that you can someday discover some way to relieve yourself of pain.

Joy’s gravatar

I can’t say I entirely understand how you feel but I can relate. When you’re in a depression people don’t understand that sometimes that their ‘advice’ ,even if it may come from a good place, doesn’t fix the problem. They don’t understand it can sometimes rub it in that you’re not in the best place in your life. I’ve been there before. I’ll never know if it’s to the same extent as you because we’re different but instead of me telling you to “be more positive” I’ll just wish that positivity for you. I feel that knowing someone genuinely wants better for you is more soothing than them believing they can make better happen for you.

Susanne/Sinead’s gravatar

People who say “stay positive” don’t have a clue. Those who say “it gets better” may have a clue, but that’s a stupid thing to say anyway, because that’s not what the person needs to hear. And, how do they know it WILL actually get better? I can’t believe that there is still so little knowledge about mental illness.. when you talk to people, every other person seems to be on antidepressants or they know people who have some sort of mental illness. Or at least it sounds like people are more accepting and understanding these days, but still there seems to be that attitude around about “lunatics” or towards depression “pull yourself together” or silly things like that, that just shows how completely ignorant people can be.

The Redhead Riter’s gravatar

@Susanne/Sinead,

“…still there seems to be that attitude around about “lunatics” or towards depression “pull yourself together” or silly things like that, that just shows how completely ignorant people can be.”

Oh my goodness yes! It makes it sound like all I did was stub a toe or get a paper cut. Actually, that comment always seems to intensify my pain.

Amanda’s gravatar

First off, I would like to say I definitely agree with you – it pisses me off so much when the first thing most people say is ‘it’ll get better’. I’m pretty darn pessimistic myself, but I had to stop being myself around everyone because apparently people didn’t like it. I hate having to do that.

I think there’s so many people out there who don’t quite understand the mind and how much suffering people go through. I talk to people who justify it as ‘a bad day’ or ‘they’re just begging for attention’ and it pisses me off.

I’m not a fan of super positive people who have the need to shove sunshine down everyone’s throats so I say if you want to blog with pessimism and reality then you go for it. It’s so much more interesting to read.

PJ’s gravatar

Hi Liz! I’m PJ, and I come to you from Redhead Riter’s Community. I hope you will join us.

I think a lot of people don’t really know what to say. They think they are expected to say something to make it all better. They don’t understand that just being there to listen to your needs and feelings does something to help. It kind of reminds me of when someone passes away, and someone tells me “they’re in a better place”, or “I know it hurts but it will get better”. That infuriates me. For one thing, How do they know where my friend or loved one ended up? Besides that it NEVER gets better we just learn how to cope with it. (Just as you said about PTSD). I have been diagnosed with a “mild case” (whatever that means). I went to the psychologist because I actually was afraid I was getting alzeimers because I am extremely forgetful. The doctor said (after giving me some tests and talking) that I have depression and a mild form of PTSD. I told him I’m not sad, and he informed me that you don’t have to be sad to be going through this. He gave me some pills and sent me on my way. Needless to say, I really don’t know any more than I did before I went to him except to have a name put to it.

My husband has PTSD from being in Viet Nam, and I know it is not an easy thing to live with from either side, be it the person who has it or the family members. Does your community have a support group for the family members of those who have PTSD? The reason I ask is that it might do some good to you if they could understand what you are going through, especially coming from an “outside party”.

I won’t tell you it will get better. Because I don’t know anything about PTSD. I just know from what Red has described that the main thing we can do as friends is be there to listen and encourage.

I don’t know what kind of relationship with God you have (if any), but I will keep you in my prayers, because I have found that they do work wonders. I hope that is alright with you.

As far as your blog goes, I think it would be helpful for you to write about whatever is on your heart and in your mind at the time. We ALL need to vent. Be assured that your FRIENDS from the REDHEAD RITER Community will be here for you.
(I hope I didn’t make you more depressed than you were to begin with.)

God Bless,
PJ

The Redhead Riter’s gravatar

@PJ,

Thank you PJ. You are a great listener and it has helped me over the years. {{{{hugssss}}}}

Leanne’s gravatar

I don’t know what to say. Only thing is I’ve been where you are and I’m constantly battling with it everyday.

From the looks of things. You’re burnt out. Stick to people you know well and who will support you and are positive influences in your life.

To be honest, as much as it sucks when people don’t understand… the truth is.. sometimes they don’t.. and all they can say is “it’ll get better.”

Look after yourself.

Ashley’s gravatar

Let me tell you, when people say things like “it gets better”, “stay positive” etc. they mean it in your best interest. They may not know how to relate or how to really respond. They want to reach out to you, but don’t really know how. They want you to be happy and for things to get better and that might be the only way they know how to help you out. What do you want people to say?

You know, they may not know when it will get better or if it ever will. But these people do not control the happenings in your life. You do not even control some of the things that happen in your life. But you know, people might be talking in regards to their own experiences.

I can tell you that with my experience, things have gotten better. I went through some really hard times and I have come out of it a better person. You might think that I have never experienced pain or tragedy like you have, but we each have our own battles we have to fight no matter how big or small they look in other people’s eyes.

tiff’s gravatar

“I hate how people will sometimes come across my blog and read a little snippet of my depression, then comment stating how “it gets better”1 and to “just be positive”.”

I completely understand your frustration and I know you’re just venting it all out, but what else can they say to you to try too make you feel better?

I think the problem is, I’m only guessing, most of your readers on here don’t have PTSD. Most of us cannot relate to what you’re really going through so we can’t give much insight but only to pat you on the e-back and say “there there” when you talk about your depression and PTSD. You have the wrong crowd to write about your problems too.

Liza’s gravatar

People don’t always have to comment, though. In fact, nothing really has to be said. I’m mostly referring to the bundle of people who don’t believe that my depression is literally a diagnosis, and who instead treat me like it’s a feeling.

Melissa’s gravatar

I never heard of it before to be honest so I’m glad that you’re sharing your post about it with us. Though it looks heavy to deal with it every single day.

I have felt down for a long time and it reflected on the rest of my life (especially work) but I feel that there is no comparison to what you’re experiencing.

But one question, like Ashley said, what is it that you do want to hear from others?

*hugg*

Liza’s gravatar

I don’t expect anything from others; I look at wanting and expecting as similar things.

The Redhead Riter’s gravatar

@Melissa,

From my family and friends, I want understanding. I have been there for them and I expect them to reciprocate now that I need them.

From my internet friends, I want them to listen and try to understand. It could happen to anyone and the more knowledge everyone has, the easier it will be to heal.

From people who don’t care, I just want them to go away. LOL

One of the hardest parts of having PTSD is the overwhelming feeling of being ALONE. I wish someone would have just sat beside me or held me.

Kiara’s gravatar

I don’t know what you’re going through (as I have not experienced it) and can’t imagine what you’re going through and I won’t pretend I do. But I do know how it feels for someone to easily say “it’s okay” and “it will get better” when they really have no idea. And most people sit there and pretend that they believe those people and their comments, but you don’t and I applaud that. You’re being true to yourself and showing how you really feel rather than pretending to feel the way ignorant, narrow-minded people want/expect you to. No one can blame you for that. And no one can label you with a mental illness. Happiness is not instantaneous just because someone says it’ll be alright which should be common sense, but I guess some people miss that. Mental illnesses have a bad connotation for some reason, but honestly they aren’t bad at all. It’s normal, people go through things, things happen, and unless you’re little miss/mister perfect, there are going to be effects of that. So what if it’s a mental illness? It’s normal. We’re humans. It’s life. And life’s not fair. It’s a shame how very few people with mental illnesses who do something “crazy” serve as the prototype for everyone with a mental illness. That goes to show how ignorant our world is today.. why wouldn’t someone hate that?

The Redhead Riter’s gravatar

@Kiara,

PTSD is actually diagnosed as a mental illness and when you have it, you know that your mind is definitely ill.

Liza’s gravatar

@The Redhead Riter, This is true.

Stephanie’s gravatar

Big electronic hugs to you! Even though I have never experienced a mental illness, and hope that I will never have to be diagnosed with one, I am standing right here with you, and you are always free to email me when you need to rant.

(By the way, I thought that psychosis referred specifically to some of the more serious and “positive” symptoms that came with schizophrenia. The hallucinations that people with schizophrenia have do drive some of them to be violent.)

The person teaching my psychology class mentioned that group therapy often helps a lot of people out. I’m really happy that you found someone online who has experienced what you are experiencing, and hope that you can find a support group offline.