So call me a lost cause.
I’m really annoyed: in general, completely, with life.
I’ve got people commenting my blogs inferring the complete opposite of what I explained. Like, what’s so freaking wrong with not wanting to date many guys? What is the problem with wanting to just wait a while until someone lovely comes up and see what happens from there? I’m done settling for a guy that makes me say something like, “Eh, he’s okay; sure, I’ll date him…” Like, dude, that’s so annoying, and the whole time I feel like shit during the relationship because the guy couldn’t care less about me/what I’m into unless it has to do with him being able to change me.
I’m tired of constantly being reminded about how my mom practically shunned me away because I spoke up and told my story to people because people anywhere complain about how horrible their mother is for making them do something misdemeanor like washing the dishes or having family movie night.
I can’t stand it when people tell me to try to think differently. It’s not my fucking fault these stupid thoughts from the past keep popping into my head. I hate them. I don’t choose for them to magically appear inside my mind like they do – shit lard did, crap my mom denies, junk Cody did and said. I want to stop feeling like a major lost cause. I’m so sick of fighting this mess because every time I do, it hits me even harder when it comes back.
I’m so sick of the pressure and the stress. I have the pressure to get better, the stress of money, the pressure to get a job (it may be invisible in conversations, but it’s there, and it’s inferred), the pressure of my chest hurting because of stress, the stress of my crap load of problems, the pressure to be normal, the pressure to have a regular sleeping schedule (between being in pain and feeling like this, I even sleep through the loudest alarm; messy sleeping’s apparently a part of depression and PTSD), the pressure from everyone counting on me… The list goes on, and it’s not stopping. I just want to control one piece of it.
Cuts burn. I didn’t cut per se, but scraping skin would be in that category, right? It’s nothing too visible, and I regretted it soon after I did it, so I stopped. This was recently, though. I needed to control it; I needed it to stop. Although, if you think that’s bad, I haven’t been completely without self-harm lately. From not eating because I feel like it will somehow make me happier with myself (I can’t help it; it’s complicated) to tearing the skin off my lips until it burns (it became a nice little habit, to be honest), this has been carrying on for months.
I just want people to stop pressuring me. I know what works for me. I just need help, but any counselor/therapist/etc. I don’t trust and can’t open up to because of past situations.
I feel like no one understands that.
Because of this, I feel like a lost cause.
Like, what the hell did I ever do wrong to have to go through all of this?