So call me a lost cause.

I’m really annoyed: in general, completely, with life.

I’ve got people commenting my blogs inferring the complete opposite of what I explained. Like, what’s so freaking wrong with not wanting to date many guys? What is the problem with wanting to just wait a while until someone lovely comes up and see what happens from there? I’m done settling for a guy that makes me say something like, “Eh, he’s okay; sure, I’ll date him…” Like, dude, that’s so annoying, and the whole time I feel like shit during the relationship because the guy couldn’t care less about me/what I’m into unless it has to do with him being able to change me.

I’m tired of constantly being reminded about how my mom practically shunned me away because I spoke up and told my story to people because people anywhere complain about how horrible their mother is for making them do something misdemeanor like washing the dishes or having family movie night.

I can’t stand it when people tell me to try to think differently. It’s not my fucking fault these stupid thoughts from the past keep popping into my head. I hate them. I don’t choose for them to magically appear inside my mind like they do – shit lard did, crap my mom denies, junk Cody did and said. I want to stop feeling like a major lost cause. I’m so sick of fighting this mess because every time I do, it hits me even harder when it comes back.

I’m so sick of the pressure and the stress. I have the pressure to get better, the stress of money, the pressure to get a job (it may be invisible in conversations, but it’s there, and it’s inferred), the pressure of my chest hurting because of stress, the stress of my crap load of problems, the pressure to be normal, the pressure to have a regular sleeping schedule (between being in pain and feeling like this, I even sleep through the loudest alarm; messy sleeping’s apparently a part of depression and PTSD), the pressure from everyone counting on me… The list goes on, and it’s not stopping. I just want to control one piece of it.

Cuts burn. I didn’t cut per se, but scraping skin would be in that category, right? It’s nothing too visible, and I regretted it soon after I did it, so I stopped. This was recently, though. I needed to control it; I needed it to stop. Although, if you think that’s bad, I haven’t been completely without self-harm lately. From not eating because I feel like it will somehow make me happier with myself (I can’t help it; it’s complicated) to tearing the skin off my lips until it burns (it became a nice little habit, to be honest), this has been carrying on for months.

I just want people to stop pressuring me. I know what works for me. I just need help, but any counselor/therapist/etc. I don’t trust and can’t open up to because of past situations.

I feel like no one understands that.

Because of this, I feel like a lost cause.

Like, what the hell did I ever do wrong to have to go through all of this?

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Comments on this post

Amanda’s gravatar

Are you okay? Please email me, even if it’s just an outlet to vent.

Also, my physiotherapist recently gave me some “shaking exercises” to do (this is, in conjunction with having a shrink). They were originally designed for PTSD, but basically they help release adrenalin (and stress) by making you shake, which will help improve sleep. Let me know if you’d like a copy of this.

Stephanie’s gravatar

Life’s not fair, and you’ve done nothing wrong. But you were dumped in a terrible spot, and you want out of it.

But there is hope, right? I believe that you mentioned that you got on your dad’s health insurance, which means that there is hope for the ovarian cysts. (I know that you don’t like people telling you what to do, but I think we both agree that you need to see a more competent doctor who’ll do more than prescribe birth control pills this time around.)

I believe that there is hope for everything else too. This situation won’t magically fix itself, though. But if you were strong enough to live through all those years of abuse, I honestly believe that you are strong enough to climb out of this hellhole.

Karen’s gravatar

I find nothing wrong with waiting for the perfect one. In fact, I dislike people who date around. I find that immature and wrong in general.
To be honest, whenever I see people I know on facebook changing their status to “in a relationship”, i make a silent bet on how long their relationship would last. And, i usually bet on less than half a year.

In fact, I applaud you in waiting. It shows that you have the maturity to know what guy you want. Call me old fashion, but I think at this age (im 21), its time to settle down with your mr-forever-after. Not partying without a hoot about the future.

I really hope you gain control of your life back. The feeling of watching everything spin out of control and you cant do anything but just sit and cry. Thats the worst. I may not be in the same position as you, but I felt like that before. And you can’t do anything but just wait and hope that it either get better or see that its going downhill. The stress of not knowing/not being able to do anything.

If you need someone to talk to, you can always email me. 🙂 We can talk about stuffs which may take your mind off matters or maybe discuss on how we can solve the problems. (I dish out great advice that I don’t follow – because I know no balls).

Stay strong!