so liza’s broken.

I’m not doing it for attention, and I’m definitely not making it up in my head. Do you honestly think I would intentionally put all of thoughts in my head? These horrible, cruel and negative thoughts in my head that make me hurt so much and make me scared to be alone? I’m scared to be alone because I’m afraid of hurting myself. I’m afraid I’ll hurt myself if I’m left alone to my own thoughts for too long. And people think I’m doing this for attention. scoffs

I’ve got people who want me to quit doing what I always do on occasion, Twitter telling me I don’t exist and I just need to vent – I’m not trying to annoy people. I’m actually not at all trying to aggravate/annoy people.

Yesterday I almost broke down whilst shopping at the Walmart I work at with my siblings standing there, just being themselves. But I lacked patience, and I couldn’t at all stabilize myself. I just couldn’t quit shaking, and I could quit sounding like a bitch and all frustrated and whatnot – not without crying. My mom was getting to me so much. Crying for no reason. Crying because I feel sorry for myself. Crying because I feel so trapped. Crying because I feel so hopeless. Crying because I keep thinking I’m just a lost cause.

I just want to isolate myself from everything in the world. I almost gave Virginia, the cashier/a fellow coworker, the wrong amount of change (well, at first I really did), and that would have made her drawer low. I felt horrible. I could hardly concentrate on anything. And what about today? Today was the exact same thing.

I stayed home from work today; Bebe (my aunt) called in sick for me. I couldn’t quit crying. My laptop sat on my bed in front of me, my knees were simply cradled against my chest with my arms wrapped around them and tears rolled down my cheeks as I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. I feel like I’m this horrible person – like everyone is thinking these horrible things about me – and I can’t get better. I’m so tired of feeling this way. I hurt so much, and I just wish there was some shot I could take and be done with feeling this way forever.

I’m broken, and I can’t seem to fix myself.

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Comments on this post

Tina’s gravatar

Oh Liz, I hope you’re ok. I just want to hug you and tell you NOTHING IS YOUR FAULT. I don’t want to tell you how you should feel, but don’t take things like people complaining about Tumblr/Twitter-synch (block’em and keep doing it!).

I had a short depression when I was 15-16 and it was because I had almost no one close to me and my parents were being overbearing and strict I couldn’t be social like everybody else and it made it hard to connect with others. Like with you, I thought that everybody thought horrible things about me and would fake their personas. I just felt that it was worthless to try to reach out to others and everything by me was hateful and disgusting. 🙁 I also used to be bullied a lot. Why can’t I be like everybody else, why don’t they understand me and so on. I also got flamed/spammed by my own classmates on my blog, so I didn’t trust people. The “professionals” teachers/school doctor didn’t help much either. 🙁 I’d cry/sound like a bitch because everyone just pissed me off.

It took a sea, two planes and a long train ride, a complete change in my life/environment, before life got lighter. I’m more pleased by myself than I have ever been before.

I’m not saying you should do the same, but what I’m trying to say is, things get better please don’t feel hopeless even when you’re in the darkest and lowest state 🙁 It might feel like you’re alone but you’re really not! People read your tweets/blog posts and know your feelings, what you are doing is not futile 🙁

I hope you’ll get better. hugs

Deanna’s gravatar

Are you still going to therapy for help? I think this is something that you need someone else to help you get through. It’s not going to be an instant thing, but you will get better. I’m so sorry that you have people out there that that don’t understand what it’s like to have depression and think it’s something that is easily fixed. Although I know it’s hard, you need to do your best to not let their comments affect you.

Patricia’s gravatar

I have had several bouts of severe depression over my many years – usually they were right before making a big change in my life.
This last round was caused by adrenal fatigue and has been all chemically related in my body…
I do think it is vital to talk to someone…does your job come with insurance?
I write a blog called WiseEars.com It is my Professional Listening service – and I would offer you a free session in exchange for a testimonial on my start up?
I am a trained counselor and have worked in the field for dozens of years…
By the way, I have changed my diet and wow what a difference in my body and mood…I found out I was intolerant of dairy products

Also on Patriciswisdom I have a great post or two about ANTS (Automatic Negative Thinking)
FYI
just an offer – I came over from your great comment on SARA’s short story

[…] I couldn’t quit crying. My laptop sat on my bed in front of me, my knees were simply cradled against my chest with my arms wrapped around them and tears rolled down my cheeks as I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. I feel like I’m this horrible person – like everyone is thinking these horrible things about me – and I can’t get better. I’m so tired of feeling this way. I hurt so much, and I just wish there was some shot I could take and be done with feeling this way forever. – so liza’s broken. […]