I’m not doing it for attention, and I’m definitely not making it up in my head. Do you honestly think I would intentionally put all of thoughts in my head? These horrible, cruel and negative thoughts in my head that make me hurt so much and make me scared to be alone? I’m scared to be alone because I’m afraid of hurting myself. I’m afraid I’ll hurt myself if I’m left alone to my own thoughts for too long. And people think I’m doing this for attention. scoffs
I’ve got people who want me to quit doing what I always do on occasion, Twitter telling me I don’t exist and I just need to vent – I’m not trying to annoy people. I’m actually not at all trying to aggravate/annoy people.
Yesterday I almost broke down whilst shopping at the Walmart I work at with my siblings standing there, just being themselves. But I lacked patience, and I couldn’t at all stabilize myself. I just couldn’t quit shaking, and I could quit sounding like a bitch and all frustrated and whatnot – not without crying. My mom was getting to me so much. Crying for no reason. Crying because I feel sorry for myself. Crying because I feel so trapped. Crying because I feel so hopeless. Crying because I keep thinking I’m just a lost cause.
I just want to isolate myself from everything in the world. I almost gave Virginia, the cashier/a fellow coworker, the wrong amount of change (well, at first I really did), and that would have made her drawer low. I felt horrible. I could hardly concentrate on anything. And what about today? Today was the exact same thing.
I stayed home from work today; Bebe (my aunt) called in sick for me. I couldn’t quit crying. My laptop sat on my bed in front of me, my knees were simply cradled against my chest with my arms wrapped around them and tears rolled down my cheeks as I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. I feel like I’m this horrible person – like everyone is thinking these horrible things about me – and I can’t get better. I’m so tired of feeling this way. I hurt so much, and I just wish there was some shot I could take and be done with feeling this way forever.
I’m broken, and I can’t seem to fix myself.