The Beat of My Heart
I came across an interesting blog. I really like the concept of it, but it’s also kind of not fair. I wasn’t expecting the “never trust a girl who” link to be a tag to more posts; I simply expected it to be one long list of “…girl who”‘s that guys should not go for. I’ve been single for three years. I also have bad luck when it comes to guys (and it’s so frustrating how much bad luck I have).
I believe in fairy tales, but to an extent. I believed in them when I was younger because it made love easier – it made it seem possible. But I still don’t really even know what it is. Call me rude, but I think that if a guy has to/cannot tolerate what I do in my worst/best/etc. hour(s), then he doesn’t deserve me.
I mean, yeah, I know it sounds stuck up, but seriously. I’ve been wronged by a parental figure and most of my exes, so I personally think and believe that I deserve a man who will treat me right.
I invented The Chase, as I call it. Chris was like a puppy, though, so it didn’t work on him. It’s neither a game nor a test; it’s more of a “watch”. It’s the period where I literally show my true self yet they still pester me with PDA or they don’t, or they invade my privacy by wanting to look through my phone/over my shoulder whilst I text message or they don’t. I guess it’s like they’re with me, but it’s not official. I got with Chris because I thought he’d change – that he’d understand – but he didn’t.
I want a guy who will be there for me and be okay with all of my flaws and my inability to be perfect no matter how hard I try to be perfect. I want a guy who will understand me – or at least try to – and have an open mind. I want a guy who can be my best friend before he becomes my boyfriend – because maybe then he’ll be able to understand me better.
I’ve learned where I went wrong in my past relationships when my last one ended almost three years ago. I need to learn how to say no and hope I guy will stay there and be my friend and whatnot instead of trying to rush through everything. I want a guy who will be okay with me loving cats and animals and such and wanting to [maybe] someday live on a farm again – and still be okay and happy and in love with me whether I am able to have kids biologically. I want a guy who won’t put me down/make me feel uncomfortable/etc.
A guy who will be patient and kind with me, a guy who will understand me/try to understand me, a guy who ignores my flaws and still thinks I’m beautiful, a guy who will allow me to be me – it’s not exactly “want”‘s, though; I need a guy like this. And not in the “I’m Liza, and I’m needy” kind of way. This is the type of guy that I need. These are the type of qualities I need to look for. But I’m done looking. I’d rather he just came to me. If a guy approaches me when I’m being myself and not what people say women need to be like/do/etc. to “get the guy”, then he deserves a chance.
I should be able to go without makeup (allergic or not) and have a bad hair day and be in my pajamas/clothes I want to be in and him still think I’m pretty.
And I really wish/hope this won’t make me look weak.
It’s just something that I want; it’s just something that I need. Why should I have to change my entire personality? What if something that may seem like a “test” happens when it’s merely coincidental? I have bad luck; it’s not my fault.
2018 edit: BTdubs, I’m a lesbian.