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For the love of Todd (may he RIP)

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Sunday evening, I learned Todd, my cat, died. My grandmother couldn’t will herself to tell me, which I’m not too pleased about, but there’s nothing I can do about that now. I considered asking earlier, but I was scared. What upsets me most, though, is that I thought he was alive this whole time since I visited him in the days before the GFAF Expo this year. Because I thought he was alive, I have been praying for him every time I prayed for food/in general, in addition to every time I thought about him.

I feel deceived and betrayed because Todd was literally my child, but that’s not what this post is about.

On a cool, winter day on the new farm, Todd rubs against an old orange crate
On a cool, winter day on the new farm, Todd rubs against an old orange (or red?) crate. (Thanksgiving 2013)

He lived on Mimi’s new farm, because I couldn’t bring him to suburbia with me since Grandmama’s not too big on house pets. Deep down, I was more depressed over this in the beginning, but I soon accepted the fact that he was raised on a farm and would have missed the ability to roam around as he pleased, the hustle and bustle of the farm, and playing with the many [small] bugs and amphibians that just…accidentally become dead after he sinks a paw into it.

Todd in a basket
Todd in a basket, which he got in despite it containing inanimate objects (2011)

So I tried to visit as frequently as I could, both physically and mentally, because he was my baby. I adopted Todd, the runt, during 2010, the beginning of a dark time in my life. I saw him every single day until I moved out in 2012, one of my darkest years. There was a long period of time during those years that I was like, “I have to stay alive, because who would feed Todd? Who would change his litter box? And someone would decide to cut off his tail. I can’t kill myself. I just…have to try to push through and hope I’ll escape everything one day.”

He was my rock, and he had to be put down the 14th of September, 2016 due to his inability to walk. Through my research, I found many of his symptoms fitting in with chronic kidney disease and/or hyperthyroidism, though cancer sticks out more now. The vet ran tests and tests, and even gave him antibiotics, but nothing worked. Todd was a full-fledged druggie in his later days; Mimi wanted to make sure he wasn’t in pain.

Todd standing proud on a post in the backyard of the old farm
Todd standing proud on a post in the backyard of the old farm. (13 April, 2011)

On the old farm, there were the dogs, Hank and Annie, neither of whom he cared for. There were horses that could squish him in one step. There were coyotes and wolves and foxes in the woods at night, and then sometimes in the daytime during the winter, looking for food, or during the hot Texas heat, looking for a trough full of water.

But he climbed up high and stood proud, and he literally ruled the farm. The predators had nothing on him.

I wasn’t hoping for it, but…I had a feeling my visit with him a few weeks ago would probably be the last. I already said I would be okay with him being put down. I didn’t want him to be in pain and having to push through life for my own selfishness/selfish gain, because I loved him too much. He didn’t deserve to have to continue living miserably. He was weak and fragile and frail, and I loved on him and made peace with the fact that that visit might be my last with him.

Some more pictures I have of Todd. I don’t have a lot of high-quality ones because the originals are on my hard drive. :s

Todd with my great grandmother, Mama Lois
Todd with my great grandmother, Mama Lois (7 August, 2010)
Todd in a tree
After freaking out because I’d let him outside (like he wanted) despite my fear of him getting hurt (#overbearingcatmom), I find him just…sitting in a tree. He doesn’t even meow—he just…sits there, until finally, I think I’ve lost him. Then he meows. (13 March, 2011)
Todd standing on a post, looking down, in the backyard
Todd standing on a post, looking down, in the backyard (13 April, 2011)

Rest in peace, you sweet, adventurous, dark grey domestic short-haired tabby. ❤️

January 2010—September 14, 2016

Todd was put down the 14th. I found out yesterday. He was only six years old, which is young for a cat, but I think something was wrong with his kidneys because it's often hard to figure out because it's so internal and the vet couldn't figure out what was wrong. I still remember the day my mom and I took him and his sister (Savannah) home from Forney. They were curious, but not enough to explore on their own. I kept getting clawed from their fright, so I found a big enough pouch with PUL lining I could put them in. Todd kept looking at me, and I kept telling him how cute he was. I knew I wanted the runt from the start. Everyone teased me over his tail, but I always fought them back. It was staying, even though his tail looked like a fishhook. There was no way I was inflicting pain upon an animal just because I thought he looked weird, especially when I thought he looked perfect. He was born that way. I didn't need to change a thing about him. He was perfectly made for me, and I'm glad I got him because he became my best friend, because I loved him for who he was, and because if anyone else in the family had had him they'd've cut his tail off. #cats #catstagram

A post shared by jane lawson (@gotjane) on

14 Responses

Author’s gravatar

It’s always really saddening when a beloved cat (or any other pet) pass away. I had a hard time accepting the fact that my cats were gone and I did what I could to help them. I tried focusing on the good where I knew I fed them plenty of quality food and spent quality time with them. :’)

Todd looks like a sweetheart, even as a kitten! I love how adventurous he was, especially with just chilling on top of the tree! He looks like he’s the king of the forest XD. I love how his toes look like they’re painted :’).

I admire the love you have for Todd. Don’t let that disappear! *hugs* 🙂

Author’s gravatar

Oh no, I’m so sorry to hear about Todd 🙁 He’s such a cute and beautiful cat! I love that photo of him standing proud. I’m glad he was there for you during your darkest times. It’s amazing how much pets do for you and how much they become family. I hope you’re doing ok *hugs*

Author’s gravatar

Rest in peace, Todd. </3 I'm so sorry for your loss.

Author’s gravatar

I hate losing animals 🙁 May he r.i.p

Author’s gravatar

I’m so sorry to hear about Todd, Liz. May he rest in peace. Todd gave you purpose, and I’m sure because of you he had a great life, despite the short length. <3

Author’s gravatar

? I don’t really know what I can say in response to this post but I felt so sad and heartbroken for you when I heard the news. I know how much he meant to you and I’m sure that going back on these photos was really rough.

High-quality or not, the photos are precious ❤️

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