Too tired to scream and shout to let it all out

I’ve had a bad past couple of days. I can’t think clearly, I can’t get my brain to cooperate with my actions in the right way, and I’m tired. I’m so tired. For a while I was doing things okay, but now I don’t know what the hell I am doing or why all of a sudden things have changed and forced me to fall back down again. Metrocare Services is all the way in downtown Dallas, so I’m back to the search board for someone. I guess it’s fine, because they were rather quick and to the point and came off as rude anyway.

Tears have surfaced my cheeks more lately as well, and the lens on my glasses contain some water spots from where my tears have dried. I’ve noticed that when I finally start to feel as though I am doing a good job at at least one thing that I’m going to be knocked down harder and by two things instead. With the tax refund I should be getting soon, I plan to use it for a haircut and perhaps one online class from the local college. I don’t plan to get a degree. It’s not something that is stressed much on this side of the family, and I would rather take specific classes that can increase said skills I’d like to heighten than receive a degree for something I’m not too interested in pursuing. I want to go far with Abuse Aloud, and I feel as though I can. For the past decade, I have been trying to create some sort of awareness website for abuse. So many adults shut me down and told me that “Hear the Children” was a dumb idea. I think that AA is louder, and those that link to it and whatnot help me make it stronger. Thank you.

I do believe that AA can happen. I believe I can succeed in it. I don’t want to personally help victims; I just want to spread awareness. I actually don’t like people in general; it says so on my Twitter account.

I don’t make long-term goals anymore. I make short-term ones. For me, each morning I wake up is equivalent to an achieved goal, because surviving the previous day without letting depression win is a goal to me — it is something that takes a lot of hard work to do, and it exhausts me.

I don’t care what others want for me anymore; I want what I want for myself, and what I want is to not feel like an outcast/failure.

[spoiler]It’s not all just family that made me feel this way.[/spoiler]

P.S. I shared my chicken enchiladas recipe on Amanda’s site! I’ll link you guys to the .PDF later.

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Comments on this post

Robin’s gravatar

I think it is a great idea to take specific classes rather than trying to get a degree. Most degrees are designed to get money out of you by making you take classes you don’t need (for example, an accounting class that was part of my Marketing degree required the passing of two math classes).

Carrie’s gravatar

I’m pretty tired lately too.. I think I know what has come over me 🙂

Don’t cry.. you crying makes me sad. I hate crying. I don’t like when my tears get a hold of my glasses 🙁 The tear stains.

Have a happy week!

Liv’s gravatar

I hope you do take AA to a new level. I plan on working on Stop Abuse of A/C this summer.

Sometimes you don’t really need a degree for certain things, not that I would go down that path. Only today I learned that one of my friends who disappeared from school is now working on her own as a freelancer. I actually know another person who dropped out of school because it can only get you so far. He now works at Squarespace.

Of course I say things but do another, so degree, here I come.

Jessica’s gravatar

I hope you get enough rest and relaxation. I am not sure if you are physically or mentally tired, but I hope you feel better soon so you can go out and do amazing things. I am also planning on getting a haircut too! But I usually delay it until I have to go impress people or something. I was looking over that Coursera site you mentioned before, is it preferable to take an online class from a local college instead of using that site? It seems you get “recognition” from Coursera, but I guess it’s nothing like that recognition you get from taking an actual course from a college. Which course were you interested in taking?

Good luck with Abuse Aloud! If you truly want it and believe in it, it worth the effort no matter what people say and I think you are going to accomplish great things!

Liza’s gravatar

@Jessica, I haven’t thought too far ahead yet, therefore I don’t know yet.

Georgie’s gravatar

I loved your recipe! Even though I don’t eat chicken anymore, I can find vegetarian/pescetarian-friendly alternatives 🙂

Even though you’re not getting a degree I am honestly so proud of you for choosing to take an online class. There are many good ones out there if you look. I took a couple of web-design related ones, and watched a couple of free lectures. With your spare time and being at home and not really cooped up in an institute, I am sure you’ll learn a lot. 🙂 🙂 Don’t forget there’s always the realm of self-teaching if it doesn’t work out <3

And the haircut sounds like a lovely idea. Sometimes change is what we need to get ourselves up and over bridges.

Long-term goals… I have to say… I don't like them anymore. I'm not sure when I stopped making them. I think that short-term goals matter a heck of a lot more to me. Besides, if long-term goals were really important, I think we'd all be making them short-term goals, don't you think? 🙂

xx

Liza’s gravatar

@Georgie, Some people do include fish! I think it’s tilapia that is used in place of the chicken or something.

For the self-teaching, yeah. :3 I’m self-teaching myself CSS3, and then I plan on either HTML5 or jQuery. 🙂 In the process, I am continuing to learn about PHP and how to code various scripts and whatnot… Like PHP and MySQL together. I’m playing with TCG stuff, but I’d like to eventually transform what I’m doing into a small online game that teaches people how to code. 😀

Lydia’s gravatar

Hey hi, yeap, taking short courses would be better then degree. I’m currently in my first sem of degree, and trust me – I’m starting to suffer already. Firstly, I regret choosing the course I’m pursuing, and secondly (as an only child who had always been with the family) I’m not emotionally prepared. If I had another chance, I would have been doing some short courses, or maybe having a part time job. 🙂 All the best.

Hope everything will be better soon. 🙂 I totally understand what you’re going through because I’m currently in that situation too. But don’t worry. There will always be a rainbow after a bad rain (Oh, I love this phrase, /hehe )
And all the best with AA! ^^;

Have a great day, and God bless.
#A beautiful site you have here.

Mija’s gravatar

Ah you live in Texas as well!? These days I think people succeed more with experience vs a degree. I did get a degree but at an art institute instead of a normal 4 year college. I think some universities just try to keep you there forever.

Whatever you do decide on doing, I hope it works out!! I am cheering for you and sending you good vibes along the way!

Stephanie’s gravatar

Someday, when you’re more recovered, you will be able to set long term goals. Currently, I think your only long term goal should be to get to a state where you can make other long term goals again! I hope that you are able to make Abuse Aloud more widely publicized in the future.

When I was younger, I would have agreed that “Hear the Children” was a good idea. However, as I’ve grown up, I’ve realized that a lot of the things I used to say were complete garbage and really shouldn’t be taken seriously and therefore disagree with your idea. BUT, I had a normal upbringing with wonderful and supportive parents, which is nothing at all like your own upbringing. My parents did not take me 100% seriously, but they did give me attention that you didn’t get. So perhaps your “hear the children” idea could become part of Abuse Aloud. (But please talk to a psychologist about everything I just wrote before using it.)