The television is on, the rain is tapping at the window and the laptop keys are being hit quickly but every once in a while. Sounds are audible, but some still hide themselves from me. Some things are bigger than they appear through my eyes. My eyes have been acting so crazy lately, too – nothing an eye doctor can fix, though.
I can’t smile – I can’t even force myself to. I feel like it’s so pointless. I’m hallucinating. I’m not shy or antisocial or a stuck up/snobby bitch. It’s called depression and it hurts like Hell. I don’t want to talk about my freaking feelings. I’m saying what I feel most of the time, but it isn’t even intentional a lot of times. That’s really hard for me. If I talk, I’m going to say the wrong thing. If I reply to your comment(s), even the tiniest bit will probably tick me off even more right now. I don’t want to be told what to do or what I should do or that I’m freaking ‘okay’ or that I will be ‘okay’ or whatever the Hell it is you’re going to say to me because you probably, most likely, just really don’t understand and this entire thing has been building up ever since August of last year, and YES I am gonna get help this Tuesday – I’m counting down – so don’t you freaking tell me I need to get freaking help. YOU didn’t HAVE to read my blog, so unless you’re going to keep your two cents to yourself, DON’T COMMENT MY BLOG until I have SOME KIND OF CONTROL of my emotions.
I’m tired of Mimi telling me that she can see I’m ‘happier’. That’s just a reminder of how well I can hide my unhappiness and how bad people actually know me. I want someone who knows me – someone who gets me, someone who sees the real me and who can see my emotions – not what someone wants to see out of me. It’s like I’m this person that everybody tries to take a piece of – like I’m a personality stock people take a piece of, as in a piece of what they want to take from me – as in that personality piece.
People wanna know my feelings, so…
I feel empty.
I feel lost.
I feel invisible.
I feel voiceless.
I feel soundless.
I feel worthless
I feel ugly.
I feel broken.