Two Pieces

Edit 12 Nov. 2017: This post is outdated, in that I don’t identify as asexual. The orientation didn’t fit me, because I was battling another aspect of myself, and took my disinterest and lack of romantic attraction to guys as me being asexual. Truth is, I’m gay. #PLOTTWIST

There was a boy1 in 2014.

He made me realize a lot of things about myself and what I want in life, in a guy, and in myself.

I became obsessed with the idea of becoming his girlfriend, and whilst I’m not completely into astrology, I do feel like sometimes it might be right. I’m an Aries, he’s a Taurus. An Aries woman and Taurus man is a complicated relationship, and the gist of it is that the Taurus could very well be the Aries’ undoing.

And that he was.

In June, I finally agreed to hang out with him. It wasn’t a date, but I think he thought it was, especially since he called it such a few times thereafter. We saw the latest Godzilla movie, and it was pretty good, I guess, but blah. I don’t like a lot of physical contact. It was supposed to be us hanging out as friends. At first, I felt as if I might be demisexual, but I wasn’t sure. And I didn’t voice it to anyone but an extremely close friend. He wanted to hold hands, but I so obviously didn’t.

Later, he wanted me to meet his friends. It might have been around July or so, I’m not sure. I didn’t care to go out drinking or be all couple-y, because the most I knew about him was that he loves Texas and never wants to leave, loves country music, is confused by homonyms, and liked me. He knew about my MDD and PTSD and Aspieness, but I don’t think he understood…

And he wanted to kiss me. This was made very known. And I? As the text messages increased, shirtless photos began to surface and more requests were made, I found myself trapped in this box of a guy who had made assumptions about who I was as a person, likely from how he thought all women were expected to be, and I hated it. I hated that he thought he knew me well when he didn’t know me at all. I hated how he sent me shirtless photos, because I don’t enjoy seeing people I know without clothes. A shirtless Zac Efron is great, but a shirtless guy I know in reality isn’t. Homonyms are confusing, but I pride myself in using great grammar as much as I can and where I can and hate abbreviating in text messages. Many times I wanted to reply, “What about my cute?” in response to his “Your cute” text message.

And he wanted to kiss me. And he wanted me to come over and spend the night. And I? I didn’t want any of that. I was instantly turned off. And I felt like maybe I wasn’t good enough, because he wanted and expected all these things so many people in relationships want and expect from people, and I couldn’t give him any of that. When asked, “Wait, do you not like kissing?” in a judgmental-like circumstance, what the hell am I supposed to say? “I want to wait”, short for “I don’t want to do it because it’s weird, so I want to wait until I absolutely feel comfortable”, doesn’t seem to fit as a viable answer in a world where most people seem to want to have sex.

These are the days of those stupid pictures and statuses floating around Facebook that contain something along the lines of how people need to find someone who’s into PDA, because if they’re not, they obviously don’t truly care. Rather than play tonsil hockey with someone and not know when the hell I’m supposed to breathe, I’d rather cuddle someone so hard — and that’s it.

When Papa died, everything was so different, much like it was when Mama Lois passed away. I wanted and needed space, but I also needed someone I could trust and who understood me that could help me process this loss, because I was kind of lost. All around me were people crying and sad and reminiscing about him, and I didn’t want to be around that for the same reason I cannot bear to watch the news: I am like a sponge, absorbing everyone’s emotions and feeling them completely.2

Knowing what I want has become a powerful tool that I use for myself. In that much needed space, I eventually stopped text messaging that guy altogether, which I do feel slightly horrible for, but believe it was for the best. I lost sight of who I was and wanted to be and what I wanted to do because I found myself wrapped up in what someone else wanted and expected of me. I became unhappy and annoyed because this person didn’t truly understand me or who I was or what I found to be important.

For example, he didn’t know what HTML/CSS/PHP stood for or what it was, even after I told him multiple times. After a while, it became this thing that ate at me, because I need someone who gets me, and in order to fully understand me, that someone needs to understand what exactly I do.

I need to carry on a conversation with them. I need them to keep me focused, not try to pull me away from what I’m doing and try to convince me that partying/staying out all night is more important. Yes, if I want a night off and to waste the night away, I don’t mind going out and bowling until after midnight, like I did with Bri in 2013.

That guy and I were two totally different pieces colliding and causing a crash. I got lost and panicked, so I pretended to be something I wasn’t again. I was judged for the way I eat/what I do due to my allergies and eating disorder. For the record, the reason I get so happy about a salad is because I’m allergic to everything in it: salad dressing (vinegar (yeast-forming), probably yeast, dairy/lactose), lettuce (mold), cheese (dairy/lactose, mold), chicken (leftover, thus mold-forming, or from a can, thus preserved)… I shred fresh carrots, so that’s probably okay, but meh. What’s more, what the hell is so wrong about having a salad? Can I not have that without someone implying that something must be wrong?

Is it really the end of the world if I don’t want something to drink or to have popcorn to snack on whilst watching the movie? Movie popcorn is great and all, but considering I had it nonstop for the previous week, I’m not interested in indulging in any more popcorn.3

I became okay with not wanting these things. I was tired of pretending. I am tired of pretending. I’m a grey-A, and I’m okay with that. I still like men, and I want to eventually get married, but I probably won’t have sex in my life unless under dire desire, and I want to adopt children, because I don’t want to personally experience the birthing process.

But I’m pretty sure, and I am really tired of people having this black-and-white thinking about relationships and truly believing/thinking/feeling/etc. that one day I’ll “grow out of it” and change my mind.

This is me, and I’m not ashamed. I’m sick of feeling like I should be ashamed just because I truly feel a certain way.

Also, coming out is terribly difficult and gives me an uncanny feeling, so if you could just refrain from being disrespectful, that would be great. I’ve dropped hints in the past, and I joke about it (it has created great laughs in the past). I’m just tired of being terrified of people finding out, but I’m also tired of it being some sort of a secret.

This post was inspired by Georgie’s post on what she wants.

  1. Saying “guy” didn’t have as much charm to it.
  2. I think this factor contributed to my major depression that caused me to burst in 2012.
  3. And for the record, the popcorn I get is mostly allergy-free, which is a good thing for me.

Sorry, but comments are closed on this post.

Comments on this post

Crystal’s gravatar

It all sounds pretty natural to me. I don’t mean to sound harsh, but I don’t think there is anything wrong with either of you. You’re just different. I am sorry though that it hurt you. I guess I’m a bit of a masochist. I can’t find it in me to regret knowing even the most terrible people. I like even the bitter flavor of love lost. I will say, my husband is a scientist, and doesn’t like to kiss unless we’re being intimate. He thinks about kissing scientifically. After reading this, maybe I’ll lighten up with him. I’m not nearly as open about my sexuality. I don’t think of it as a secret, but I don’t see it as something I need to share with anyone I’m not sleeping with. Still, I give you all the credit for bravely opening up. I’d hug you if I could. 🙂

Liz’s gravatar

I didn’t originally plan to come out, but the post kind of flowed really well for this, and the words just worked. I’d been meaning to post something about it, because it’s this thing that really bothers me in the annoying sense. I guess I’m so public about it and feel the need to be simply because I’m really, really exhausted from hearing all about how I need to be watched like a hawk because I’m going to go off and get pregnant, unmarried, because that’s what my mom did. It’s kind of really hilarious that my family seriously thinks that way, because I’m actually the furthest away from doing that without their prodding.

I also published this, because I looked into it, and there’s not a lot of help about coming out as any asexual-related orientation, and where there is, people don’t really understand, e.g. they don’t understand how kissing can’t just be “just because”. This also isn’t all of it, as some close friends of mine do know further details, but it’s the gist, and now I can talk about it if I want to instead of repeating over and over again how I’m pretty sure it’s not just a phase. 😀

…as well as to potentially find anyone else out there like me, because Facebook groups don’t do any good if I’m not a fan of Facebook to begin with. :p

Thanks :3

Crystal’s gravatar

I think all parents worry about that. Correctly or not. I’m sure I’m already worried over nothing with my son. I get it, though, my experience was a bit different. I’ve always been a very private person. So I’m glad when others share, because I feel like I can open up a little and share my experience. Just not on that particular subject, accept to encourage you, and let you know that you may be different, but you’re perfectly normal. That’s why we have friends to talk to. But then I voluntarily never went to my parents for anything, lol. They were fairly understanding people. But I had other family that pressured me in the other direction I guess.

Liz’s gravatar

Ah, I see. My family is full of double standards. My cousins can even go on road trips with their SOs, but if I even want to go hang out with a friend who is male, there is a lot of freaking out. I’m also the oldest. What’s more, I mentioned my cousin Shane once with some context of how we slept in the same bed together, and so many freaked out. Like, my other cousins can do what they want. With me, it’s always been: “You’ll get your high school diploma, then get a car, then go to college, then get a job, then graduate college, then get a house, then get a boyfriend, then get married, then have kids.” Unintentionally, this post coincided with my previous post, because it’s literally how my whole life and the way people see me was shaped. My parents don’t worry, though… I think my stepmother worries whether I’ll actually find someone, as I “show no interest in the idea” whatsoever, and my mom and lard are out of the picture. My dad just wants me with someone who makes me happy…and he’s never been too protective over who I’m with, as he does trust me. The protection is beyond the worries when I’m reminded that my mom had me at seventeen and all that jazz. 🙁

Of course, I’ve not talked to family about this. Only Charlise knows, but that’s just because it came up so randomly one day.

Crystal’s gravatar

Ya, it seems excessive. Honestly I only have a high tolerance after being beaten down. I’m the oldest too, but I’ve always just done whatever I wanted to. That only became an issue for me when a couple people tried to pressure me into coming out (as their assumption). I dismissed them though because I simply feel strongly about my privacy. As far as a sense of community or others like me, it’s enough for me to know that others share a general struggle. 🙂

Georgie’s gravatar

Liz, Liz, Liz… Liz. I just want to give you a hug right now. I know you wrote this after reading my post, but honestly, I feel like this has sparked me to write about something else that has got me a bit fired up.

I am sorry for your experience with this boy, whether you saw it coming or not. Recently (and also not-so-recently) some things have come up in my life that are almost in line with yours. I am furious that this guy took advantage of you. By not understanding you, your personality, and what makes you different and unique, he was a complete asshole. It’s obvious he just wanted something from you and wanted something because you were probably vulnerable and you would probably give in.

You were strong not to. I know you might believe you have not been strong in the past. But you were turned off and you stayed true to yourself. That is what I am so proud of.

I am just so angry that someone could treat you like that. You really are strong, because I personally gave into and fell for some people’s stupid tricks. It’s a sad world and there are going to be lots of people who you will want nothing to do with. The fact that this boy took no interest in your hobbies and what you were passionate about was just rude, and that he wanted something else instead was so selfish and insulting.

You are fine and beautiful just the way you are. It is okay not to want to be involved with men or even like them. It is okay to say that out loud and tell people what you want and what you don’t want. Not being afraid is the half of it.

Stay true to yourself, girl. <3

Chester’s gravatar

If someone likes you, he really wouldn’t force you to do things you don’t want. He shall be willing to wait when you think things are on the right track already. Don’t worry Liz, soon enough, everything on that matter will fall into place. Someone will finally come who would understand and probably help you with all the emotional distress you’re absorbing right now. Here, have a virtual hug from me. >:)<

Christa’s gravatar

Just read this and it was beautiful. I’m sorry you had to go through a forced experience that made you feel uncomfortable and unnatural in your own skin. That guy was harassing you, and I am sorry you had to go through it. I read your comment to Georgie, and as for support groups and a like-minded community — I’d recommend parts of Tumblr. There are many people who identify as asexual, or have had similar experiences that I’ve read on there. While I cannot identify with the same experience you’ve gone through and the frustration you must have felt — I hope that with this post, you’ve found some sort of peace about the situation. I will forward this list of asexual umbrella identified people if you wish to make more a-identified friends: http://alreadylost.tumblr.com/post/106090898142/never-ending-list-of-bloggers-who-are-under-the

Thank you for the beautiful post about yourself.

Clarisse’s gravatar

This was so beautifully written. Sad, but well-written.

There’s so much I could say, but I’ll try to keep this comment short.

Honestly, though, I don’t think anyone should force anybody to do anything or move forward any faster than they want to. Period. This has nothing to do with anyone’s sexuality.

I’m just glad you didn’t let him force you into anything you weren’t comfortable with. Don’t stop standing up for yourself. You have no reason to feel ashamed of who you are. 🙂

cantaloupe’s gravatar

I agree with the comment above that you guys were just different. You will one day find someone who is more similar to you and it will all work out just fine! It takes time to find that person. I thought my last boyfriend was that person and I put up with a lot of shit and changed who I was because I wanted to make him happy. It did not end well. And now that I’m with someone that I can be myself around, it’s amazingly freeing. I’m not asexual, but everyone deals with this on some level. Deals with finding someone who fits their quirks, I mean. Each person has needs, whether it’s in terms of level of sex or level of talking about books or level of cleanliness or level of whatever.

The point is that I can’t wait for you to find that person! Just keep being you and don’t sacrifice that for anyone or anything!

Robin’s gravatar

Very interesting post. Just wanted to let you know that I do read; I just don’t always know what to say in a comment. I deleted my Twitter (due to people mostly re-posting the same stuff from Facebook), but will re-follow you if I make another one!

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