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What. is. even. the point anymore?

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I have realized it doesn’t matter what I say anymore. If I express myself and my thoughts and my feelings, then I am wrong. Those of you talking behind my back who think things I listed out in the blog following my collaboration of thoughts really didn’t get it. I was not talking about you – but thank you for letting me know I am that much more alone.

I’ve been sitting here staring at this screen practically all day long. I feel one hundred times more pointless than I did before. I feel like I really don’t matter anymore; I feel like all help and hope and everything is just … lost. I’m lost. I’m lost and tired and in pain all of the time. I have a lot going on right now. I can’t word things right, I can’t think right… And to be quite honest, more than half of the time I can’t help wondering what my life would be like if I didn’t exist anymore. It wouldn’t change much. The planets would continue to turn, birds would continue to soar in the wind… But I often find myself wondering what people would do. And then I remember that I’ll most likely never know what they would do, and all I think about after that is that it wouldn’t phase them. It wouldn’t matter to them. Because most of the time nowadays, people only say good things about people when it’s too late.

An hour ago I deleted a video I was trying to make that lasted for two hours and merely consisted of me just staring at the screen, thinking and all of that other jazz. I’m not going to explain myself, and I don’t have anything to say. Unless you have experienced anything like this or are going through it yourself, you can’t understand what is going on. You don’t know how alone I feel twenty-four-seven – even though there are people all around me, practically twenty-four-seven. I can’t even dance as much as I want to and/or sing at the top of my lungs songs from my [“Broken”] playlist that usually bring me up a bit because too much moving is strenuousness exercise, which makes my lower side/lower back area begin to hurt, and singing takes too much breathing – and breathing hurts, too. I can’t form mental pictures/thoughts like I used too, therefore calling me to not be able to do most art-related things. It really sucks. Picture yourself thinking “tree” and writing the word “crayon” instead. That is how bad it is. It is not something I can just “fix”.

I’m sick and tired of people telling me I need to be in the hospital if I am “this bad”. Really? Again, you don’t even know what the hell is going on with me. It is people like you who make people like me feel like their life is pointless one hundred million times more than they were already feeling. That’s pretty much the same thing as saying, “Hey, you’re crazy and hopeless, and you need to be locked up,” just because you’re so annoyed with me that I am blogging about it. Blogging helps because it has always helped. And no, I won’t even attempt explaining that, because I am quite certain I am going to fail at that again, too.

Let’s just recap some crap:

  • I am not intentionally trying to be rude. This “rudeness” is not a factor of how I was raised, etc., it’s not something I can fix ASAP. I can try to, but again:
  • You don’t know the entire story/everything that is going on, and you won’t for a very long time.
  • My memory is shot.
  • I’m working on getting help. It just takes time.
  • You need to quit being a freaking cyberbully.
  • When/If you ever get attacked by people, don’t expect me to stand up for you/defend you/etc. I’m going to stay out of it.
  • I’m starting to believe it’s not possible for me to ever get better. Things people are saying to/about me aren’t helping matters at all.
  • “Thinking positive” doesn’t always help. It’s not a simple thing, what is wrong with me. It’s much more difficult than reverse psychology. I tried that, anyway, from April 2011 to January 2012. It didn’t work, so I quit. It made everything worse, and I felt as though I was lying to myself.
  • I now see what Stephanie meant about the self harm as far as biting my lips go…  I have some Chapstick, I am using that… Hopefully the skin will continue growing back. Just a warning: Removing the top layer of skin from your lips causes your lips to turn black in various places – and I am guessing this is because in some places you chewed deeper than intended?
  • I lied. Only when I am in pain does it hurt to eat. Sometimes I just don’t want to. It’s easier to not eat, because then I don’t feel like I’m getting fatter.
  • I miss Vicky. I am starting to think she’s never coming back to the blogging world. 🙁
  • I am really hoping this drive to Oklahoma for the family reunion and spending some time with Bri will help me, even if just for a day.
  • My memory is shot. Typos, repeating myself… all that jazz is most likely going to happen. Rereading what I’ve posted already and coming across typos and such just frustrates me even more and makes me feel twice as depressed. I’ve tried my hardest throught this post to find the errors. Oh, look. One there. Screw it.

If your intention was to make me feel even more shittier than I already felt, thanks. Really.

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Because in general, I try to receive as little attention as possible. Looks like that’s one more thing I’ve failed at. Oh, goody.

because now I hate me, too

Think before you post.

It was aimed at people who comment but don’t really have blogs/blog/etc. Just random people that comment every now and then. Next time, you should fffffff ask.

5 Responses

Author’s gravatar

Wow… I’m not going to jump into the middle of all that drama… but wow to those tweets… it’s like they didn’t even care if you saw them. But anyway, I’m sorry that you’re going through a tough time right now. I’ve been in a really shitty place myself recently, so I kinda understand what you’re going through. It WILL get better. And if you ever feel like you’re alone, I’ll gladly be your friend. Tweet at me some time. I’ll chat it up with you so much I’ll make you wish you were alone… haha. But yeah, big hug … and sometimes staring at the screen for hours can be therapeutic lol

Author’s gravatar

There were very few, if any, typos in that post, by the way! ^.^

Author’s gravatar

Liza, I’m so sorry that so many people have been so bad to you. I cannot even begin to imagine all that you are going through in your life right now. I will, however, say this: if you don’t think you have purpose in life and that no one will miss you, make it so YOU will miss you. I have battled depression on and off for four years now, and one of the major difficulties I have come across is feeling like I have no purpose and that there is no point to life. I have come to realize that all that really matters to me is being happy, and I can find happiness in little things like getting comments on a blog post (even if they’re not positive, at least the person read what I have to say), knitting, or eating a delicious salad. I don’t need to leave some huge impact on the world for me to feel satisfied (although it would be nice!), and even if no one misses me when I die, I don’t think I will mind because I live for myself and no one else. I’m not sure what I’m saying is making sense and I don’t know if it’s as relatable to you as I would hope, but I hope you can find some comfort in it. Please stay strong and do the best that you can to make yourself happy. <3

Author’s gravatar

Oh god, Liza. Where do I even begin with this? First of all, though, I want to say that I understand you. Okay, no, I definitely don’t understand your whole situation and I’m not sure how you’ll react to my comment (hopefully you won’t be annoyed by it, but /)>///<() but I do understand the purpose of that post that was referred to, about not liking when people comment a certain way. I certainly get annoyed when people's responses irk me, but I think that's just because I expect things and I don't get them. I think it's because we're all different people, so we all expect different things–but we respond differently, too. Yes, of course you won’t be happy with every comment you get, and people who don’t see this should try to understand this–because, geez, they’ve certainly been mean to you because they don’t like what you’ve posted. It’s a whole load of hypocritical BS, if you want my input :

I do want you to feel better about this–and, again, hoping that you won’t get annoyed by my comment! Only trying to be myself here, haha–because I definitely think you have the right and ability to express yourself and your thoughts and your feelings. Like, who cares if you’re wrong? This is your place, right? You’re allowed to express your emotions, how “wrong” or “dumb” they are, because hello, every human being in the world is going to have “wrong” and “dumb” emotions. Anyone calling you out on it isn’t looking at the stake in their own eye. And girl, if you feel alone /hugs. It’s only a virtual hug, over the internet, but if you ever need someone to talk to, feel free to talk to me.

You aren’t pointless. I’m not God or anyone really important in the world, but when I say this, I really do mean it. You’re not. Without a doubt, everyone has thought, “What would it be like if I didn’t exist?” and everyone has probably reached the same conclusion as you–nothing would change. But why not look at the people you’ve impacted, the people you’ve interacted with? There are people who love you, Liza, even if you don’t know it–family, friends, admirers from afar, acquaintances on the internet (like me!)–people who would lose something if they didn’t have you in their life. It may not seem like much reading it in that one sentence, but trust me, with the amount of people you’ve influenced in the past, and are in the present, and definitely will in the future, you’ll give something to everyone. Everyone gives something to everyone, I like to think, and without a single being, everything would be much different.

Ah shit to your health situation though. I definitely can’t relate on that, but I’ll be praying for you and I’ll be hoping that you’ll live through it–that you’ll make it through. (In a less “I hope you don’t die” sense because that’s a bit morbid, but in a more “I hope you’re strong enough to mentally make it through” and all that.) I really… I just hope you will find a way to be happy. Just, screw all the people who judge you and tell you what to do and think they know your life. I don’t know yours, even though this comment is certainly jumping to mental conclusions. Blogging is indeed therapeutic, and I think if something, anything makes you happy, you should just keep on doing it–fuck the rest.

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