I have realized it doesn’t matter what I say anymore. If I express myself and my thoughts and my feelings, then I am wrong. Those of you talking behind my back who think things I listed out in the blog following my collaboration of thoughts really didn’t get it. I was not talking about you – but thank you for letting me know I am that much more alone.
I’ve been sitting here staring at this screen practically all day long. I feel one hundred times more pointless than I did before. I feel like I really don’t matter anymore; I feel like all help and hope and everything is just … lost. I’m lost. I’m lost and tired and in pain all of the time. I have a lot going on right now. I can’t word things right, I can’t think right… And to be quite honest, more than half of the time I can’t help wondering what my life would be like if I didn’t exist anymore. It wouldn’t change much. The planets would continue to turn, birds would continue to soar in the wind… But I often find myself wondering what people would do. And then I remember that I’ll most likely never know what they would do, and all I think about after that is that it wouldn’t phase them. It wouldn’t matter to them. Because most of the time nowadays, people only say good things about people when it’s too late.
An hour ago I deleted a video I was trying to make that lasted for two hours and merely consisted of me just staring at the screen, thinking and all of that other jazz. I’m not going to explain myself, and I don’t have anything to say. Unless you have experienced anything like this or are going through it yourself, you can’t understand what is going on. You don’t know how alone I feel twenty-four-seven – even though there are people all around me, practically twenty-four-seven. I can’t even dance as much as I want to and/or sing at the top of my lungs songs from my [“Broken”] playlist that usually bring me up a bit because too much moving is strenuousness exercise, which makes my lower side/lower back area begin to hurt, and singing takes too much breathing – and breathing hurts, too. I can’t form mental pictures/thoughts like I used too, therefore calling me to not be able to do most art-related things. It really sucks. Picture yourself thinking “tree” and writing the word “crayon” instead. That is how bad it is. It is not something I can just “fix”.
I’m sick and tired of people telling me I need to be in the hospital if I am “this bad”. Really? Again, you don’t even know what the hell is going on with me. It is people like you who make people like me feel like their life is pointless one hundred million times more than they were already feeling. That’s pretty much the same thing as saying, “Hey, you’re crazy and hopeless, and you need to be locked up,” just because you’re so annoyed with me that I am blogging about it. Blogging helps because it has always helped. And no, I won’t even attempt explaining that, because I am quite certain I am going to fail at that again, too.
Let’s just recap some crap:
- I am not intentionally trying to be rude. This “rudeness” is not a factor of how I was raised, etc., it’s not something I can fix ASAP. I can try to, but again:
- You don’t know the entire story/everything that is going on, and you won’t for a very long time.
- My memory is shot.
- I’m working on getting help. It just takes time.
- You need to quit being a freaking cyberbully.
- When/If you ever get attacked by people, don’t expect me to stand up for you/defend you/etc. I’m going to stay out of it.
- I’m starting to believe it’s not possible for me to ever get better. Things people are saying to/about me aren’t helping matters at all.
- “Thinking positive” doesn’t always help. It’s not a simple thing, what is wrong with me. It’s much more difficult than reverse psychology. I tried that, anyway, from April 2011 to January 2012. It didn’t work, so I quit. It made everything worse, and I felt as though I was lying to myself.
- I now see what Stephanie meant about the self harm as far as biting my lips go… I have some Chapstick, I am using that… Hopefully the skin will continue growing back. Just a warning: Removing the top layer of skin from your lips causes your lips to turn black in various places – and I am guessing this is because in some places you chewed deeper than intended?
- I lied. Only when I am in pain does it hurt to eat. Sometimes I just don’t want to. It’s easier to not eat, because then I don’t feel like I’m getting fatter.
- I miss Vicky. I am starting to think she’s never coming back to the blogging world. 🙁
- I am really hoping this drive to Oklahoma for the family reunion and spending some time with Bri will help me, even if just for a day.
- My memory is shot. Typos, repeating myself… all that jazz is most likely going to happen. Rereading what I’ve posted already and coming across typos and such just frustrates me even more and makes me feel twice as depressed. I’ve tried my hardest throught this post to find the errors. Oh, look. One there. Screw it.
If your intention was to make me feel even more shittier than I already felt, thanks. Really.
“because now I hate me, too“
It was aimed at people who comment but don’t really have blogs/blog/etc. Just random people that comment every now and then. Next time, you should fffffff ask.