wreck this me

I’m sort of unhappy with myself again. I was already unhappy with myself, but that became the new norm for me, so I just grew used to it. This is that deep, unhappy feeling. I still haven’t gotten any medication, either. I needed to have gone last week whilst still near Terrell but I was getting ready to come here, so I didn’t have the time. I also didn’t know if I would have the money for it AND the medication prescription AND gas to get myself here. I made a mistake; I see that now. I’m also paying for that mistake now. And then I remembered I was put back on birth control, and I’m down to just today’s dose, and I feel worse than I should. I mean, I really hate this feeling. I feel so emotional that I want to cry because I feel so emotional, and then I want to cry because I feel this way. I wonder if it’s possible for her to prescribe me antidepressants, or something along those lines. Can OB/GYN’s do that?

All of this crap goes back to the day my brother Isaac said to me, “What have you accomplished in your life? Nothing.” I always go back to that day – that hour – when he asked me something I didn’t need to be asked. I didn’t need to be asked said question because I couldn’t handle said question. Just because a person is thinking something and/or knows it’s true (whether it is or isn’t) doesn’t mean that person needs to ask the question or say it aloud, especially if lusting to downgrade the other. It’s not that it’s not fair, it’s that it’s lust and envy and not right. It’s a bad, evil, negative thing the person is doing to the other. Of all the harmful things he’s done to me in my lifetime, that hour was the worst. I felt so empty. I was destroyed. I posted the entry about 20 minutes after it happened. The 31st of October was my dad’s birthday.

I’m having trouble with conversing here. 🙁

  • I know more about my interests, so talking about things I’m not interested in is difficult because I know very little about it.
  • I stutter a lot, especially when the main focal point is me.
  • It isn’t until I actually say something out loud that I realize just how wrong something can sound.
  • I say a lot of things that are not socially acceptable, or environmentally acceptable – especially in awkward situations – and I am often misunderstood, portrayed as rude and/or gotten onto for that.

It’s really hard. :L I’m currently looking into getting on some medication for my depression since it just keeps getting worse. I’ve been taking two Vitamin D3 5000 i.u.’s, and it’s not helping at all. I just feel so groggy and pointless and lifeless and zombie-like all of the time. I also don’t enjoy the fact that I am not working; I know people don’t understand this because they accuse me of “not trying” [to find a job]1. Honestly, I enjoyed how I was having money come in every two weeks, and it sucks to not have that anymore. I could be saving up for the new phone that I want, but instead I’m having to worry about my health and force myself to eat.

  1. The fact that a certain someone humiliated me at said workplace didn’t help anything that was going on.

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Comments on this post

Stephanie’s gravatar

Your family are bullies. They don’t think that you’re accomplishing anything, and they also know that you know that you’re not accomplishing anything of interest to them. But since I’m an outsider to all this, I’ll make a list of everything you accomplished I can think of quickly, so that next time they ask, you are just a bit better armed.

First off, on the web end, you’ve done a lot:
1) You taught yourself HTML, CSS, and some PHP and have successfully learned to make a decent WordPress theme.
2) You’ve managed you own hosting services at dehlu.org
3) You’ve learned how to use a URL shortener, WordPress, and administer forums and TCG games.
4) You’ve learned how to set up surveys (and make people take them).

For non-web related things:
1) You’ve gotten yourself out of a toxic environment (your old place).
2) You completed a semester of community college.
3) You’ve shown that you can hold down a job and be successful at it. You quit for your own personal reasons, and not because you got fired or laid off.
4) You’ve become an Avon representative and are making some money from that.
5) You got yourself Internet service in the middle of nowhere.
6) You saved enough money for you to be able to leave work without disastrous consequences. Believe it or not, I don’t believe that most Americans can accomplish this.

Sadly, only psychiatrists and a few psychologists can prescribe antidepressants. Let’s hope that things get better for you!

tiff’s gravatar

Oy, reading this entry was a bit tough for me as I do not like to hear about other people having depression. =( But that’s reality and I really hope that describing your feelings and venting through blogging will help you, I know that it helps me a lot when I’m feeling pretty shitty. People are listening. Hang in there <3

Hyeoni’s gravatar

I just read what your brother said to you. He was pretty mean to you…not very understanding. But I also can see how he was trying to give you some “tough love.” It happens in families all the time. You think you are giving them helpful advice, or “motivate them” by pointing at things that their not doing right. For an example, my brother is overweight, and all of my family would say how fat he is and how he gained more weight in front of him…in the hopes that this would help motivate him to lose weight. And then I read a book how this actually works against that person and just shuns them out of the source of negativity. It wasn’t that my family was being intentionally rude or hated him, they were deep down concerned and tried to help him in a way they thought would help. Help him the only way they could. They’re flaw is that they just don’t know how personally hurtful it is. They will probably never understand. Then it’s personally up to you, to be the more wiser and forgiving so that you don’t harbor any resent toward him.

In another perspective, if a person doesn’t care about you, they would not bother you with critiques. People who constantly nags, critique, and judge…are the ones who did not give up on you, and still care for you. Otherwise, they would just leave you alone. I’ve realized this a couple years ago, and with every passing year, my understanding grows more. But not without after going through many hardships starting from when I was young up until my high school years. I resented my step mom for a long time. But as you get older…you see their true intentions and you slowly forgive and eventually it’s the thing of the past.

So I hope that this piece of adage and anecdote helps you to see your brother in a new light, and hope that this can help clear the negativity and resentment you feel towards your brother.

But I am not completely disregarding your feelings because I have been where you’ve been before. And sometimes run into it a couple of times, and it is hard to think in a new perspective until that wound inflicted has slightly healed. But just keep what I told you in mind so that you can hurt less. Power of the mind is more powerful than you think.

Do something that makes you happy. Watch a comedy or movie that evokes happy/warm feelings in you. This works the best for me personally. Make yourself take a walk outside, with music headphones and take deep breaths of fresh air. You might just feel some light shining. If there is sunlight outside, make yourself go out into it. And start dreaming and thinking of the things you want to do, what you envision yourself doing in the future. Hope you can feel better soon.

Lixin’s gravatar

I was shocked when I read what your brother said to you. I don’t know you but I’m certain you have done a lot in your life, done a lot of things that are worth the respect from others, things that need to be recognised. My own brother sometimes says such things to me but I know he only does it to spur me on. Perhaps you could look at what your brother said from a different angle and do even more to show him what you’re capable of. I know it’s so hard trying and trying again to prove yourself- but don’t give up!

Carrie’s gravatar

Uh oh – have you ever thought about asking for free prescriptions? I’m not sure what meds they offer but it may be something really affordable or free.

My fiancee struggles with extreme depression and sometimes I do too. I used to be more of a panic/nervous wreck/& or an anxiety freak but some things have gotten a little better.

I hope all goes great for you soon 🙂

Liza’s gravatar

It’s all the way in Canton. The psychiatric place that does the free stuff is in Canton, and therefore I cannot do that.

Nana’s gravatar

That really sounds like a toxic environment. I know it’s hard, but you must believe in yourself. I think it will help if you think about the stuff you have accomplished and write it all down. I am 100% sure that there is a bajillion things you can list, but I think it is important to write it down so you can look back on it in times like these. Because what you have done does matter. As long as you have taken advantage of the resources around you, you have accomplished so much more than a lot of other people can say. Judging just by the fact that you are a blogger with your own domain, you have learned how to use this and that is a feat that you should not ignore. People PAY to learn this and you have learned this all by yourself. That is an undeniable accomplishment.

Justin’s gravatar

This blog alone is evidence that you’ve accomplished something. I mean, look at all of us lovely commenters, being positively effected with each new post you write. Don’t let these bullies bring you down. You seem like a very awesome person. I’m sorry that you’re going through all these emotions. I’ve been at that place once, and it got better. I’m sure it’ll get better for you too. And hey, at least all these emotions seem to have helped you better understand yourself.

Bonnie’s gravatar

I’m sorry to hear that you’re in such a difficult position right now x.x Sometimes I go through these emotions too, but for me they’re phases when I feel extremely emotional. Emotions can really just get the best of people sometimes, and there is absolute no way to handle it. I know it’s hard, emotionally and physically but you got to stay positive and not let issues bring you down further in depression. Blogging will definitely ease the pain, continue to try in life because there is a brighter light on the other side and I know you’ll accomplish whatever you deserve! Keep your head up high 🙂

Rachel’s gravatar

I think Stephanie is right. Just because your family thinks you haven’t accomplished anything doesn’t mean you haven’t. You’ve had your own personal victories, and it shouldn’t even matter whether your family thinks those are victories because they matter to you, and that’s all that counts. Getting on some TV show or earning a million bucks are not the only measures of accomplishment, even if it might seem like it sometimes. I know it can be extremely difficult to think positively when depressed (I’ve been there), but I think it might help if you try to live for only yourself and not try to live up to anyone else’s expectations. I obviously can’t know how you feel, though, so forgive me if I’m totally off base. :/

Jenny’s gravatar

Families are supposed to be supportive, not tear you down like that. I just read what your brother said, and he seems like a total bully/[insert mean word here]. Who is he to tell you that you’ve accomplished nothing? This blog and the very fact that people are commenting here with supportive messages are accomplishments in itself. If your family doesn’t recognize your talent, that’s really their loss.

I hope you can feel better soon, hang in there!

Latrina’s gravatar

I struggled with depression or depression-like-symptoms (anxiety, panic attacks) for years. I finally had to get medication and was on it for a good two years before I weened myself off. I decided to get off because eventually they didn’t help anymore… and I noticed I didn’t need them. It’s definitely worth looking in to — the medication I was on didn’t make me feel weird at all… it just leveled me out, I guess. Kept me from freaking out about things or worrying.

Health is important — it controls everything about us. Without, we would be unmotivated and sad. And those two things never lead to anything good. I would definitely look into… or other ways to help. Yoga, mediation?? These are things that has greatly helped me.

I hope things start to look up for you! <3

Clarisse’s gravatar

That was so inconsiderate of him to ask, and even more inconsiderate and mean of him to say, to state as if it’s fact.

His asking you that just made you think and believe that you’re unaccomplished, which is obviously not a good thing. It made you doubt yourself.

It’s so easy for anyone to say that he/she is disappointed in himself/herself, especially when surrounded with such negativity. Don’t let yourself believe that what your brother said was true, because, the moment you believed that, you started to fill yourself with your own negativity, telling yourself why it should be true. With your family’s negativity and your own negativity going on and on like that, positivity doesn’t have a fighting chance, does it?

I sometimes feel unaccomplished, honestly, simply because I haven’t gotten any medals, trophies or anything, or recognition as somebody who is “accomplished”.

But you can’t quantify accomplishments. There’s no way of measuring how much you have accomplished. That’s what makes it so easy to just feel like you’re a failure when you’re told that you are, because, forms of success are oftentimes not concrete.

Not everything can be understood objectively; I learned that the hard way.

Please don’t beat yourself up and let yourself feel unaccomplished, because I’m sure you’re not. Reading the comments, a lot of us have witnessed plenty of accomplishments from you, and I’m sure most of us if not all of us don’t even know you outside of the Internet.

I really hope you feel better soon. Always remember that we’re here for you in case you need anyone to talk to! 🙂

Nancy’s gravatar

Unhappiness is temporary; don’t make it permanent now. There’s always a way to make things work out again :).

You’re just letting a statement haunt you too much. You don’t realize how much you’ve accomplished, your brother doesn’t know you enough to even make that statement legit. You have a whole life ahead of you to have this miniscule pebble stopping you.

Of course, I may not understand the full situation, but things will get better. It only depends on you to make things better. Like other people said, you accomplished plentiful of things to even feel this way!

Cyber Quest is basically a 24 hour quiz where we answer as many questions possible that relates to computer defense :)!

Skipping meals suck :X. I know for a fact that I suffer from skipping meals -__-. But you just gotta do what you gotta do :D.

Take care ;D!

Liza’s gravatar

I’m not letting it haunt me; it is not a choice. I’m not choosing to feel or be or anything unhappy or sad, etc. My entire past haunts me, as so many bad things have happened that I can only remember those bad things. It isn’t a choice, and I cannot explain it. The things that happen when you’re younger stick with you, and my entire childhood consisted of at least one person in my so-called “family” wanting me dead.