wreck this me
I’m sort of unhappy with myself again. I was already unhappy with myself, but that became the new norm for me, so I just grew used to it. This is that deep, unhappy feeling. I still haven’t gotten any medication, either. I needed to have gone last week whilst still near Terrell but I was getting ready to come here, so I didn’t have the time. I also didn’t know if I would have the money for it AND the medication prescription AND gas to get myself here. I made a mistake; I see that now. I’m also paying for that mistake now. And then I remembered I was put back on birth control, and I’m down to just today’s dose, and I feel worse than I should. I mean, I really hate this feeling. I feel so emotional that I want to cry because I feel so emotional, and then I want to cry because I feel this way. I wonder if it’s possible for her to prescribe me antidepressants, or something along those lines. Can OB/GYN’s do that?
All of this crap goes back to the day my brother Isaac said to me, “What have you accomplished in your life? Nothing.” I always go back to that day – that hour – when he asked me something I didn’t need to be asked. I didn’t need to be asked said question because I couldn’t handle said question. Just because a person is thinking something and/or knows it’s true (whether it is or isn’t) doesn’t mean that person needs to ask the question or say it aloud, especially if lusting to downgrade the other. It’s not that it’s not fair, it’s that it’s lust and envy and not right. It’s a bad, evil, negative thing the person is doing to the other. Of all the harmful things he’s done to me in my lifetime, that hour was the worst. I felt so empty. I was destroyed. I posted the entry about 20 minutes after it happened. The 31st of October was my dad’s birthday.
I’m having trouble with conversing here. 🙁
- I know more about my interests, so talking about things I’m not interested in is difficult because I know very little about it.
- I stutter a lot, especially when the main focal point is me.
- It isn’t until I actually say something out loud that I realize just how wrong something can sound.
- I say a lot of things that are not socially acceptable, or environmentally acceptable – especially in awkward situations – and I am often misunderstood, portrayed as rude and/or gotten onto for that.
It’s really hard. :L I’m currently looking into getting on some medication for my depression since it just keeps getting worse. I’ve been taking two Vitamin D3 5000 i.u.’s, and it’s not helping at all. I just feel so groggy and pointless and lifeless and zombie-like all of the time. I also don’t enjoy the fact that I am not working; I know people don’t understand this because they accuse me of “not trying” [to find a job]1. Honestly, I enjoyed how I was having money come in every two weeks, and it sucks to not have that anymore. I could be saving up for the new phone that I want, but instead I’m having to worry about my health and force myself to eat.
- The fact that a certain someone humiliated me at said workplace didn’t help anything that was going on. ↩