Year 5

I have been depressed for at least five consecutive years.

I have began new years depressed at least five times, consecutively.

But I didn’t know it, and I didn’t want to know it, yet somehow it still caught up with me, even in what I thought were my happiest moments.

I often find myself so jealous of other people who have blogged about their depression and were depressed for a lesser amount time and can say they’ve beat it. They beat depression — their three-year time span of it — and they’re just done. Finished. Goodbye, depression!

It’s so frustrating, because each year I’m more and more upset with how I can’t seem to get an adequately strong grasp on it and turn it around and mess it up instead.

I have a hunger food cannot solve.
I long for a relationship another cannot give me.
I long for an understanding family will not give.
I dream for an acceptance shame will not allow.
Everything I want and try my hardest to obtain is connected; if one falls, the other falls, and if one doesn’t happen on time, the other doesn’t happen on time — and it repeats.

Glory and gore really do go hand in hand.

I’m just tired of depression. I’m tired of everyone thinking I’m lazy and like I need to do blank instead. It’s in the past, but it isn’t over.

It’s not over because I’m still suffering. As if I even needed a reason to still be depressed, it also isn’t over because I’m still being harassed.

But overall, I’m just tired. I’m so tired of these feelings. I’m so tired of society’s ignorance on the matter and their need to keep it hushed.

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Comments on this post

Hiro’s gravatar

The people who have “beat it” so quickly probably had incidental depression instead of chronic, I think… Something triggered it (like a traumatic event, death in the family, bullying, etc.), and after the emotions and events were resolved, they were able to move on… Though, of course, that is my assumption.
I was diagnosed with clinical depression in 7th grade, which was… I guess about 12 years ago. The diagnosis changed to Bipolar Disorder in 10th grade, because I had a year where I was in a manic phase (so I guess I wasn’t too depressed during freshman year of high school). But the manic pretty soon wore off and I was down in ditches. I’ve also been medicated since 7th grade, and the medication for bipolar disorder always kept me just slightly depressed, so I don’t even know what the subsequent depressions were… The medication or myself.
After my brain surgery, my brain completely scrambled itself around, and I stopped taking medication for bipolar. And surprisingly, other than really strong bouts of depression (but very fleeting… only a week or two long at the longest, I think) where I want to die (usually it’s triggered by something, so I’m more prone to think that it’s an aggravated anxiety attack), I think I’m not “depressed” anymore. But I really don’t know if this is what “normal” people feel, or if I’m just doing better than what I used to do, so I’m just assuming that my depression is “gone” for now (12 years later). But in my case, because my brain was scrambled up, it’s really not a good indication of how other people would go through depression. :/
I’m sorry you have to struggle through this terrible condition, and I really hope there will be a way to alleviate at least a little bit of the symptoms somehow.

Darnielle’s gravatar

This is going to sound awful, but whenever someone goes public about overcoming depression, it actually makes it worse for people who are still battling. Not only does it make you feel bad that these people have done it in a relatively short amount of time, those who don’t understand depression see all these success stories and start believing that the people with depression in their lives should be just like the success stories.

Just like cancer doesn’t affect people in the same way, depression is different for everyone sufferer. People need to realise this, because understanding is such a helpful part of the recovery process.

I can’t say I know exactly how you feel because NO ONE can ever say that, but I battled chronic clinical depression for 13 years, and I now still experience seasonal depression, so the longevity thing is something I can relate to.

I hope you’re able to find some kind of peace soon.

Cassie’s gravatar

I almost didn’t leave a comment because everyone else’s seemed so long and thought out. And I don’t think I have anything too profound to say other than I understand. It does seem that many people get over depression very quickly. Which is great for them but hard for the rest of us to watch.

I have been struggling with severe depression my entire life. Before I knew what “mental illness” was, and even before I remember. My first attempt was when I was seven years old. In my entire life, I’ve only had one short break (about a week) and it might have actually been mania. And, during that time, according to the Hamilton my depression was still “severe.”

There are not many of us who know what it’s like to suffer for so long… but there are others out there. And, it’s difficult to find those who are willing to support us when we are this way. It’s difficult for them to see us hurting, and after years of saying the same thing over and over it gets boring. And we know it does because we’re so sick of it ourselves. But there are some people who will stick by your side no matter what you’re going through. While there may not be as many, these are the people you need to weed out and befriend.

I know how hard it is to hope for better days. I know it feels like quicksand has taken you, and there’s no way out. And I’m sure you’re sick and tired and being sick and tired. But all I know to say is to find something you’re interested in and distract yourself with it. Find some friends who will stay by your side no matter what. And, the most difficult (if possible), hope.

I wish you the best of luck.

(I’m sorry if I assumed something that wasn’t true.)

Agent Q’s gravatar

Societal stigma and ignorance regarding this matter are frustrating. I wish I could come up with an effective way to combat that problem, be it from a public health perspective or a clinical approach. The fact that it is different for everyone makes things all the more difficult. However, that’s also a telling sign to not rely on mere anecdotes to generalize ways to “resolve” it. There is something deeper within, as well as external forces that trigger these tendencies.

I feel like saying “get better soon” oversimplifies and even dismisses what you’re going through. Makes me wonder what IS the appropriate well-wishing gesture in situation like this? I like Darnielle’s phrase, “find some kind of peace.” You’re a strong person.

Ffion’s gravatar

I can’t begin to imagine how you feel, but sending you hugs and hoping you manage to find a way out eventually.

Stay strong <3 I think you're very brave for writing about your depression in such an open way… I freak out about sharing way less personal stuff, I don't think I could write out my inner world like you do… I deeply admire and respect you for that.

*hugs*